because she hated herself.
britney shaved her head because she fucking hated herself. she might not hate herself today but she absolutely did on the day she decided to go bald.
yesterday was dangerous. if i had a comb and some clippers by my nightstand last night, i'd be a hairless hairdresser today. but today is a completely different story. i actually like my hair today. i think it's pretty fly...
so what's with the schizophrenia?
there was a lot of self-loathing goin on yesterday. my self-induced hatred had everything to do with me eating an entire box of girl scout cookies the night before. fuck you caramel delights. you ruin my life. so anyway, i hated myself yesterday because i was a bloated fat cow of a person and when i looked in the mirror i wanted to cry. "change your hair tina. that will fix everything. shave your head and start over. bitch."
but yesterday my food was healthy and clean and i drank lots of water and so TODAY when i look in the mirror i like what i see. and an added bonus is i'm having a good hair day. i see a lesson in this. caring for myself and not abusing myself with food is an act of self-love. there's so much more goin on here than just wanting to be thin and hot. my insides dictate my outsides - it's not the other way around. protein and veggies goin in and voila! lovely feelings of self coming out.
what does your self-love look like?
happy eating!xo
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
whole grain? or a whole lot of bull shit?
it seems like the new craze is eating whole grain to help you lose weight but just because a product says it is whole grain doesn't mean it's actually a good choice.
i've picked up products that claim to have oh-so-many grams of whole grain but the first ingredient is whole grain wheat FLOUR and there are only 1-2 grams of fiber per serving. if a product is made from flour, that means it's highly processed and all the good stuff has been stripped out. and if it has less than 3 grams of fiber per serving then you can be absolutely certain that you are eating shit.
a little tip: when choosing your grains, look for products with lots of fiber (at least 3 grams per serving). don't fall into the "whole grain" trap. **you can lose weight by eating a white bagel OR 2 slices of whole grain bread with 6+ grams of fiber BUT the fiberful bread will last longer in your system and you will be able to hold out longer until your next meal.
happy eating! xo
i've picked up products that claim to have oh-so-many grams of whole grain but the first ingredient is whole grain wheat FLOUR and there are only 1-2 grams of fiber per serving. if a product is made from flour, that means it's highly processed and all the good stuff has been stripped out. and if it has less than 3 grams of fiber per serving then you can be absolutely certain that you are eating shit.
a little tip: when choosing your grains, look for products with lots of fiber (at least 3 grams per serving). don't fall into the "whole grain" trap. **you can lose weight by eating a white bagel OR 2 slices of whole grain bread with 6+ grams of fiber BUT the fiberful bread will last longer in your system and you will be able to hold out longer until your next meal.
happy eating! xo
Saturday, January 14, 2012
getting out of muffin top denial
you're never gonna believe this...did you know that muffins are worse for you than doughnuts? YES. they are.
here's some WAWA stats:
a boston creme donut has 310 calories and 15 grams of fat.
a plain old lovely glazed cake donut has 450 calories and 24 grams of fat.
a blueberry muffin contains 610 mother fucking calories and 30 grams of fat.
chew on that.
here's some WAWA stats:
a boston creme donut has 310 calories and 15 grams of fat.
a plain old lovely glazed cake donut has 450 calories and 24 grams of fat.
a blueberry muffin contains 610 mother fucking calories and 30 grams of fat.
chew on that.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
to all the fat heads out there
i haven't blogged in almost a year! gah! i think i stopped because i was really struggling with my food and was super pissed off about it...i believed i had nothing to offer anyone so why blog? i felt like a fraud...
but i see it differently now. i'm not perfect and it's ok. just because every once in a while i house an entire pie doesn't mean i can't help other people or at least share my experience. being a fat head is a lonely place. whether you're 5 pounds overweight or 100 pounds...it fucking sucks. it helps to talk about it...it helps me feel like a human being when i can share the things that bring me shame and someone else says they understand.
i wanna talk about being a fat head....i'm not fat anymore but i still have fat head. it's never gonna go away. when i look in the mirror i see fat, fat, and more fat. i have no idea what i really look like. i'm surprised if someone says they think i'm thin. i'm surprised when someone looks at me and says "i think a small would fit you"....i'm like "WHAT?!?!?!" i don't walk around and grumble about being fat because i'm fishing for compliments...i really really struggle with it and believe i'm still a large human being......
there is hope though....when i'm eating well and only using food as fuel for my body, i actually start to see clearly. i can look in the mirror and see that i'm not some enormous fucking cow-type-creature. one of the greatest blessings of eating well is feeling good in my skin. all the sacrifice is worth it when i can experience that kind of peace.
happy eating in 2012! xo
but i see it differently now. i'm not perfect and it's ok. just because every once in a while i house an entire pie doesn't mean i can't help other people or at least share my experience. being a fat head is a lonely place. whether you're 5 pounds overweight or 100 pounds...it fucking sucks. it helps to talk about it...it helps me feel like a human being when i can share the things that bring me shame and someone else says they understand.
i wanna talk about being a fat head....i'm not fat anymore but i still have fat head. it's never gonna go away. when i look in the mirror i see fat, fat, and more fat. i have no idea what i really look like. i'm surprised if someone says they think i'm thin. i'm surprised when someone looks at me and says "i think a small would fit you"....i'm like "WHAT?!?!?!" i don't walk around and grumble about being fat because i'm fishing for compliments...i really really struggle with it and believe i'm still a large human being......
there is hope though....when i'm eating well and only using food as fuel for my body, i actually start to see clearly. i can look in the mirror and see that i'm not some enormous fucking cow-type-creature. one of the greatest blessings of eating well is feeling good in my skin. all the sacrifice is worth it when i can experience that kind of peace.
happy eating in 2012! xo
Friday, February 4, 2011
kate moss is my hero...unfortunately
shit's been weird lately. i've been grieving a lot and processing some sick thoughts.
somewhere along the line, i picked up the view that skinny is better. not only is not being fat better, but if you line up 2 women and they're both skinny, the skinnier one is better. where did i get this delusional thinking? living in the U.S. for 31 years and flipping through victoria's secret magazines probably has something to do with it. sooooo when i do p90x and change my body, gain 5 pounds, and have to go up a pant size, i kinda feel like it's the end of the world.
if i were talking with someone else that had these thoughts, i would tell them they're beautiful and it's not about the numbers and it's how you feel, not how you look and curvy women are beautiful, and blah blah blah but that's just not how i feel about myself.
i've always wanted to be petite. i remember having these thoughts even in elementary school. i compared my "fat" self to my classmates all the time and always felt less than. as an adult, i admire women that are bony and slender with no curves. i don't even know why!! it haunts me and makes me hate myself because i am none of those things. i'm not petite and i'm not skinny. i'm an average women who wears an average pant size, with average muscle tone and who's just an average weight.
i've been in therapy, i've done the 12 steps, i've walked with God. and yet i'm still fucked up in the head and hatin on my own self. someone kill me because this is not how i want to spend the rest of my life...wishing i were something else. it makes it impossible to have any joy and i am definitely wasting my youthful days. i don't wanna be 65 years old and look back only to realize i was a pretty amazing woman and i wasted it.
so what the fuck am i gonna do about it? honestly, i don't know. i guess i have to do that thing where you replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. so when i think to myself, "tina, you're so fat and gross" i'll say "no, you're a beautiful, capable, strong woman!".......oh gag me.
happy eating! xo
somewhere along the line, i picked up the view that skinny is better. not only is not being fat better, but if you line up 2 women and they're both skinny, the skinnier one is better. where did i get this delusional thinking? living in the U.S. for 31 years and flipping through victoria's secret magazines probably has something to do with it. sooooo when i do p90x and change my body, gain 5 pounds, and have to go up a pant size, i kinda feel like it's the end of the world.
if i were talking with someone else that had these thoughts, i would tell them they're beautiful and it's not about the numbers and it's how you feel, not how you look and curvy women are beautiful, and blah blah blah but that's just not how i feel about myself.
i've always wanted to be petite. i remember having these thoughts even in elementary school. i compared my "fat" self to my classmates all the time and always felt less than. as an adult, i admire women that are bony and slender with no curves. i don't even know why!! it haunts me and makes me hate myself because i am none of those things. i'm not petite and i'm not skinny. i'm an average women who wears an average pant size, with average muscle tone and who's just an average weight.
i've been in therapy, i've done the 12 steps, i've walked with God. and yet i'm still fucked up in the head and hatin on my own self. someone kill me because this is not how i want to spend the rest of my life...wishing i were something else. it makes it impossible to have any joy and i am definitely wasting my youthful days. i don't wanna be 65 years old and look back only to realize i was a pretty amazing woman and i wasted it.
so what the fuck am i gonna do about it? honestly, i don't know. i guess i have to do that thing where you replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. so when i think to myself, "tina, you're so fat and gross" i'll say "no, you're a beautiful, capable, strong woman!".......oh gag me.
happy eating! xo
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
a small victory on this long journey
so there was pizza in my face last night. and it looked like the best pizza that was ever created by man. it had that thick crust and all the pieces were square and loaded with shit. i watched everyone eat it and felt strong in my conviction to stay away....pizza doesn't help people reach weight loss/fitness goals does it? um...no.
about two hours later, after a mega-stressful evening, that pizza was literally all over me. it was fucking talking to me...whispering dirty things in my ear like a temptress....that little whore! it's not an imaginary thing for me...when i get stressed, i LITERALLY feel like i'm starving to death and i need to house some food or i'm gonna die. somehow by the grace of God, i did not touch it and i came home exhausted and went to bed.
weighed in this morning....
lost two pounds. YEEHAAAAAA!
so for real, let's revisit what would have happened if i ate that pizza....
i would say to myself "you're up late, and this is stressful, you deserve it". i would eat a slice. then it would turn into two slices. i would want more but wouldn't want everyone to think i was a pig so i'd only eat those two and stop at wawa on the way home to finish the job...whatever struck my fancy, i would have eaten. 6,000 calories later - sleepy time. i'd wake up today all hungover from carb overload and i'd have some major moon face. have you ever experienced moon face? it's when your face is twice it's size because of all the salt and sugar.
it's highly possible that i would have weighed in just to torture myself and the scale would have been up 3 pounds. i would feel like the biggest, fattest, ugliest, piece of shit on the planet and walking through today would be awful.
that is why i feel truly victorious today. i got through stress without turning to food and the payoff is invaluable. today is a new day with new stresses but i don't have to eat over any of them. i can if i want to, but i don't have to.
happy eating! xo
about two hours later, after a mega-stressful evening, that pizza was literally all over me. it was fucking talking to me...whispering dirty things in my ear like a temptress....that little whore! it's not an imaginary thing for me...when i get stressed, i LITERALLY feel like i'm starving to death and i need to house some food or i'm gonna die. somehow by the grace of God, i did not touch it and i came home exhausted and went to bed.
weighed in this morning....
lost two pounds. YEEHAAAAAA!
so for real, let's revisit what would have happened if i ate that pizza....
i would say to myself "you're up late, and this is stressful, you deserve it". i would eat a slice. then it would turn into two slices. i would want more but wouldn't want everyone to think i was a pig so i'd only eat those two and stop at wawa on the way home to finish the job...whatever struck my fancy, i would have eaten. 6,000 calories later - sleepy time. i'd wake up today all hungover from carb overload and i'd have some major moon face. have you ever experienced moon face? it's when your face is twice it's size because of all the salt and sugar.
it's highly possible that i would have weighed in just to torture myself and the scale would have been up 3 pounds. i would feel like the biggest, fattest, ugliest, piece of shit on the planet and walking through today would be awful.
that is why i feel truly victorious today. i got through stress without turning to food and the payoff is invaluable. today is a new day with new stresses but i don't have to eat over any of them. i can if i want to, but i don't have to.
happy eating! xo
Sunday, January 23, 2011
some shite i'm learning...
there is no "i'll start tomorrow"...
"ima wait til sunday because it's the beginning of the week"
"i can't start today, it's the 29th of the month. i'll start on the 1st"
"i have this dinner to go to in 4 days so why start now? i'll just wait til after that"
"i haven't worked out in two weeks and i'm going on vacation next week so why even bother THIS week?"
blah blah blah.
i'm just realizing more and more that it comes down to what i want for myself TODAY. am i gonna be a total waste today or am i gonna take care of myself? my body is like a well-oiled machine and i feel excellent when i'm eating well, working out, drinking water, getting rest, etc...some days i just wanna check out and do a little zombie-eating (eating to numb out and escape) and i ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS regret it. it's just not worth it. i like to wake up and feel good. i like to get dressed and feel good. i like to look in the mirror and not wanna vomit. i like to not envy every skinny girl i see because i feel so gross about me.
my mom made a pineapple upside down cake last night and today is my lazy sunday and of course i want my lazy sunday to include cake for breakfast. but if i eat it then this whole day is gonna feel like shit. i'm a food addict, i can't have cake for breakfast and move on. i'm so sensitive to that shit. eating cake today doesn't line up with my goals so just for today, i'm gonna pass. here's to another bottle of water...
happy eating! xo
"ima wait til sunday because it's the beginning of the week"
"i can't start today, it's the 29th of the month. i'll start on the 1st"
"i have this dinner to go to in 4 days so why start now? i'll just wait til after that"
"i haven't worked out in two weeks and i'm going on vacation next week so why even bother THIS week?"
blah blah blah.
i'm just realizing more and more that it comes down to what i want for myself TODAY. am i gonna be a total waste today or am i gonna take care of myself? my body is like a well-oiled machine and i feel excellent when i'm eating well, working out, drinking water, getting rest, etc...some days i just wanna check out and do a little zombie-eating (eating to numb out and escape) and i ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS regret it. it's just not worth it. i like to wake up and feel good. i like to get dressed and feel good. i like to look in the mirror and not wanna vomit. i like to not envy every skinny girl i see because i feel so gross about me.
my mom made a pineapple upside down cake last night and today is my lazy sunday and of course i want my lazy sunday to include cake for breakfast. but if i eat it then this whole day is gonna feel like shit. i'm a food addict, i can't have cake for breakfast and move on. i'm so sensitive to that shit. eating cake today doesn't line up with my goals so just for today, i'm gonna pass. here's to another bottle of water...
happy eating! xo
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