life is at me. i want cookies.

i'm feeling a lot of stuff today i don't like. anxiety, powerlessness, self-loathing, fear of the unknown, fear of failure...and somehow that makes me feel so hungry i could eat a house. or a horse. a cow. moo.

so i've processed some of these feelings over the last 6 hours, talked about them with my friends and husband, cried and screamed, ate my vegetables, and drank some water and the urgency to stuff my face has passed. thank God.

there's always a reason to eat. always something that's uncomfortable in life and i have to learn to just walk through it...the alternative is a miserable miserable existence as an obese, insane person. i have the same illness that those 500 pound people on biggest loser have. i have what it takes to get there EASY. so it's really one day at a time of not turning to food to cope.

there is hope for me because tomorrow i could potentially wake up and feel amazing. these troubles will absolutely work themselves out and i didn't have to harm myself in the proccess. being abstinent and on the wagon means i can walk through my life that is full of the same awesome stuff and the same shit that everyone else has but i don't have to be fat while doing it. AND i have energy and i feel good about myself. i have confidence. i'm strong. my creative talent can flow. that's a good thing. it's totally worth it...i go to bed with a good feeling.

happy eating! xo

i heart wagons

today marks 1 full week (since christmas) of eating well and treating my body like the awesome machine it is and i feel GREAT. the reason i'm excited about it being a week is because it takes me that long to start feeling normal after i fuck off with my food. i don't eat like the average american that gains 1 pound over the holiday season. i eat like every kind of barn yard animal you can think of.

so yeah, that's pretty much it. i'm on the wagon and i feel good. i'm sitting here with no guilt or shame or remorse about my eating and i don't feel like a huge stuffed sausage. i'm not in "crave" mode because i haven't eaten the shit that triggers me. i've lost a pound of the shit i put on. and i don't totally loathe myself. woot!

it's the new year and i do have some goals...no cliche resolutions, just goals that i can aspire to do. i'd like to get back into running and run a half marathon in the spring. never did one of those yet. i'd like to do another warrior's dash in the fall. i'm planning to participate in a polar plunge in february. i will become a licensed cosmetologist after i pass my state board exam. i want to start saving money after i pay off some of my debts to my family. maybe i'll read a book or two. i haven't read in so long. i want to continue bringing models in to work so i can keep learning and practicing how to do beautiful hair...

so much to do, no time to be sittin around eating!!

you feel like what you shove down your throat

you are what you eat?? hmmmm....what does that really mean? i guess if i eat doughnuts, i will turn into an enormous, jelly-filled fatty? i think it means a little more than that..

i've had some good days and bad days over the last 4 months since i started p90x. it really is an EXTREME fitness program and i noticed that when my food turned to shit, I absolutely turned to shit as well. talk about shlubbin through a workout and wanting to die. if i ate crap for two days and then tried doing whatever crazy shit tony horton was doin, not only did i feel and look like a stuffed sausage in my workout clothes, but i could hardly get through the 50-minute workout.

someone said to me a few months ago "it's pretty awesome that you have the ability to work and go to school and do p90x." i kinda shrugged it off at the time, but today i do appreciate what an awesome thing it is to have the kind of energy to do all that. i need the right balance of the right foods to really LIVE an amazing life.

once again i am reminded that i don't just stay away from junk food because i want to be thin. i stay away because it really is poison and it doesn't help me get everything i want out of my life. i'm not making any big new year's resolutions. i'm starting with right now. today. this moment. i want to feel good in my skin. it's so rewarding to make sacrifices and go through life feeling amazing. it really is worth it.

happy eating! xo

just a wee bit plump

it's all my mom's fault. that's all i'm gonna say. she should be the executive chef of some 5-star restaurant. i swear to God she can take a pile of shit and turn it into gold...the edible kind.

so i'm not gonna lie. i planned it. i planned to join in with the rest of america and become a gluttonous pig on the eve and the day of christmas. so it's been two days now since i had to get my stomach pumped just kidding and i'm back on track. i'm starting to wonder if it's possible that i'm a little more "normal" than i once thought. it's true that once i start, i can't stop and once i start eating crap, that's all i wanna eat and i eat over stress and emotions...but isn't the rest of the world a little bit like that too?

i don't know. who cares. it's exhausting trying to figure this all out. for certain there are two kinds of people:

people type 1: food is just fuel and it's not a big deal
people type 2: food is fuel and fun and a stress-reliever and a boredom-fixer and an emotion-drowner

and then there's a spectrum for people type 2 that goes from functional-people type 2 all the way to OMG kill me i'm a food addict. i definitely think i'm on the people type 2 spectrum but perhaps i'm not such a fucking weirdo like i thought. i'm just pretty astonished to find myself able to make the choice today to not eat shit. i really do have that choice and i didn't always feel that way. i am grateful for the freedom i have even if it's not perfect. i've come so far. it's a God-given miracle.

happy eating! xo

the all potato diet

i'm on this kick and i need to share it 'cause it's soooooooooooo damn good.

baked potatoes with hummus. OMG.

bake your potato, cut it up, pour calorie-free spray butter all over it (don't be shy - there's nothing in it but toxic, cancer-causing chemicals) and then plop a few tablespoons of your favorite hummus on top with a little salt and pepper.

nom nom nom

it comes to about 200 calories and not a whole lot of fat. i think the key is the spray butter (i can't believe it's not butter or olivio) because potatoes are so dry. without it, your little meal won't be as good. if you use regular butter or margarine, then you're loading up the fat and cals. this totally beats french fries or using ranch dressing or whatever else. it's fucking delicious.

one at breakfast, one for lunch, and a sensible dinner. you're on your way to gettin that ass back in your pants.

happy eating! xo

a million reasons to stuff my face

it's christmas time!
it's christmas eve!
it's christmas day!
it's christmas day leftovers.
it's new year's eve!
it's new year's day!
it's new year's day leftovers.
it's someone's birthday!
it's a wedding!
it's friday night!
it's saturday night!
it's a lousy, rainy monday.
it's a boring, slumpy wednesday.
it's a stressful day at work.
it's a lethargic lazy sunday.
i'm bored.
i'm tired and crabby.
i'm lonely.
i miss my husband.
i got in a fight with my husband.
i graduated!
i hate my job.
my boss is a dick.
i got a raise!
my car broke.
i'm broke.
it's a church potluck!
i'm breathing!
it's valentine's day!
it's easter!
it's the first memorial day picnic!
it's another summer picnic!
it's july 4th!
it's my birthday!
we're on vacation!
it's our anniversary!
it's labor day!
it's halloween!
it's halloween leftovers.
it's thanksgiving!
it's thanksgiving leftovers.
IT'S FUCKING CHRISTMAS TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so many excuses. so many "good" reasons. i find that almost every day i can come up with a reason to eat. God i wish i were normal. what would it be like if i were? if i just didn't care about food. the great obsession of every compulsive eater: to eat like normal people.

so what's that one good reason i don't?
when i'm in the food, it's all i got. i lose everything. my self-confidence. self-esteem. my sanity. my love of self. my love of others. my ability to be a blessing to others. my motivation and drive to really LIVE. my peace. ... my world shrinks and the only thing left is me and the food. such a lonely place. it's just not worth it today.

just for today, i'm not gonna eat. tomorrow is another day full of a whole new set of temptations and choices. but right at this moment, my resolve is high to be abstinent and just say no thank you.

happy eating! xo

tis the season to be a fat ass

it's so funny how it is with food. it's everywhere. imagine being a drug addict and walking into work every day to a smorgasbord of crack and heroine on the table in the breakroom. or a sex addict going to a work christmas party and the party is catered by fucking hustler magazine. no food, just porn. that's my life EVERY DAY. i walk into work and there's SHIT every where! OMG it makes me crazy and it's even worse now because it's christmas.

christmas is a time of giving, a time of joy, a time of being with one's family, AND A TIME OF BEING A FUCKING HUGE COW.

i'm a little pissed off. can ya tell?

it's just frustrating because food gives me warm fuzzys just like everyone else but everyone else can stop after a few bites. or even if everyone else can't stop after a few bites and they over indulge, they can at least stop the next day. they can have their fun and get back on the wagon whenever they want.

well i can't. i've tried. OMG have i tried. i have literally said to myself, "just eat these two cookies, tina. a normal person will eat two cookies and move on". and i absolutely cannot. there is no way around it. i am not normal. i feel like i say the same old shit in this blog but i need to remind myself all the time that i am not like other people. for whatever reason. who knows why, and who cares.

so back to the christmas issue................... cookies. fucking kill me now i love christmas cookies and i am telling myself every day that i can make my own enormous tin full of cookies and eat them all by myself, but just not today. i can eat them tomorrow. tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow....God help my poor soul.