i know why britney shaved her head.

because she hated herself.

britney shaved her head because she fucking hated herself. she might not hate herself today but she absolutely did on the day she decided to go bald.

yesterday was dangerous. if i had a comb and some clippers by my nightstand last night, i'd be a hairless hairdresser today. but today is a completely different story. i actually like my hair today. i think it's pretty fly...

so what's with the schizophrenia?

there was a lot of self-loathing goin on yesterday. my self-induced hatred had everything to do with me eating an entire box of girl scout cookies the night before. fuck you caramel delights. you ruin my life. so anyway, i hated myself yesterday because i was a bloated fat cow of a person and when i looked in the mirror i wanted to cry. "change your hair tina. that will fix everything. shave your head and start over. bitch."

but yesterday my food was healthy and clean and i drank lots of water and so TODAY when i look in the mirror i like what i see. and an added bonus is i'm having a good hair day. i see a lesson in this. caring for myself and not abusing myself with food is an act of self-love. there's so much more goin on here than just wanting to be thin and hot. my insides dictate my outsides - it's not the other way around. protein and veggies goin in and voila! lovely feelings of self coming out.

what does your self-love look like?

happy eating!xo

whole grain? or a whole lot of bull shit?

it seems like the new craze is eating whole grain to help you lose weight but just because a product says it is whole grain doesn't mean it's actually a good choice.

i've picked up products that claim to have oh-so-many grams of whole grain but the first ingredient is whole grain wheat FLOUR and there are only 1-2 grams of fiber per serving. if a product is made from flour, that means it's highly processed and all the good stuff has been stripped out. and if it has less than 3 grams of fiber per serving then you can be absolutely certain that you are eating shit.

a little tip: when choosing your grains, look for products with lots of fiber (at least 3 grams per serving). don't fall into the "whole grain" trap. **you can lose weight by eating a white bagel OR 2 slices of whole grain bread with 6+ grams of fiber BUT the fiberful bread will last longer in your system and you will be able to hold out longer until your next meal.

happy eating! xo

getting out of muffin top denial

you're never gonna believe this...did you know that muffins are worse for you than doughnuts? YES. they are.

here's some WAWA stats:

a boston creme donut has 310 calories and 15 grams of fat.
a plain old lovely glazed cake donut has 450 calories and 24 grams of fat.

a blueberry muffin contains 610 mother fucking calories and 30 grams of fat.

chew on that.

to all the fat heads out there

i haven't blogged in almost a year! gah! i think i stopped because i was really struggling with my food and was super pissed off about it...i believed i had nothing to offer anyone so why blog? i felt like a fraud...

but i see it differently now. i'm not perfect and it's ok. just because every once in a while i house an entire pie doesn't mean i can't help other people or at least share my experience. being a fat head is a lonely place. whether you're 5 pounds overweight or 100 pounds...it fucking sucks. it helps to talk about it...it helps me feel like a human being when i can share the things that bring me shame and someone else says they understand.

i wanna talk about being a fat head....i'm not fat anymore but i still have fat head. it's never gonna go away. when i look in the mirror i see fat, fat, and more fat. i have no idea what i really look like. i'm surprised if someone says they think i'm thin. i'm surprised when someone looks at me and says "i think a small would fit you"....i'm like "WHAT?!?!?!" i don't walk around and grumble about being fat because i'm fishing for compliments...i really really struggle with it and believe i'm still a large human being......

there is hope though....when i'm eating well and only using food as fuel for my body, i actually start to see clearly. i can look in the mirror and see that i'm not some enormous fucking cow-type-creature. one of the greatest blessings of eating well is feeling good in my skin. all the sacrifice is worth it when i can experience that kind of peace.

happy eating in 2012! xo

kate moss is my hero...unfortunately

shit's been weird lately. i've been grieving a lot and processing some sick thoughts.

somewhere along the line, i picked up the view that skinny is better. not only is not being fat better, but if you line up 2 women and they're both skinny, the skinnier one is better. where did i get this delusional thinking? living in the U.S. for 31 years and flipping through victoria's secret magazines probably has something to do with it. sooooo when i do p90x and change my body, gain 5 pounds, and have to go up a pant size, i kinda feel like it's the end of the world.

if i were talking with someone else that had these thoughts, i would tell them they're beautiful and it's not about the numbers and it's how you feel, not how you look and curvy women are beautiful, and blah blah blah but that's just not how i feel about myself.

i've always wanted to be petite. i remember having these thoughts even in elementary school. i compared my "fat" self to my classmates all the time and always felt less than. as an adult, i admire women that are bony and slender with no curves. i don't even know why!! it haunts me and makes me hate myself because i am none of those things. i'm not petite and i'm not skinny. i'm an average women who wears an average pant size, with average muscle tone and who's just an average weight.

i've been in therapy, i've done the 12 steps, i've walked with God. and yet i'm still fucked up in the head and hatin on my own self. someone kill me because this is not how i want to spend the rest of my life...wishing i were something else. it makes it impossible to have any joy and i am definitely wasting my youthful days. i don't wanna be 65 years old and look back only to realize i was a pretty amazing woman and i wasted it.

so what the fuck am i gonna do about it? honestly, i don't know. i guess i have to do that thing where you replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. so when i think to myself, "tina, you're so fat and gross" i'll say "no, you're a beautiful, capable, strong woman!".......oh gag me.

happy eating! xo

a small victory on this long journey

so there was pizza in my face last night. and it looked like the best pizza that was ever created by man. it had that thick crust and all the pieces were square and loaded with shit. i watched everyone eat it and felt strong in my conviction to stay away....pizza doesn't help people reach weight loss/fitness goals does it? um...no.

about two hours later, after a mega-stressful evening, that pizza was literally all over me. it was fucking talking to me...whispering dirty things in my ear like a temptress....that little whore! it's not an imaginary thing for me...when i get stressed, i LITERALLY feel like i'm starving to death and i need to house some food or i'm gonna die. somehow by the grace of God, i did not touch it and i came home exhausted and went to bed.

weighed in this morning....

lost two pounds. YEEHAAAAAA!

so for real, let's revisit what would have happened if i ate that pizza....
i would say to myself "you're up late, and this is stressful, you deserve it". i would eat a slice. then it would turn into two slices. i would want more but wouldn't want everyone to think i was a pig so i'd only eat those two and stop at wawa on the way home to finish the job...whatever struck my fancy, i would have eaten. 6,000 calories later - sleepy time. i'd wake up today all hungover from carb overload and i'd have some major moon face. have you ever experienced moon face? it's when your face is twice it's size because of all the salt and sugar.

it's highly possible that i would have weighed in just to torture myself and the scale would have been up 3 pounds. i would feel like the biggest, fattest, ugliest, piece of shit on the planet and walking through today would be awful.

that is why i feel truly victorious today. i got through stress without turning to food and the payoff is invaluable. today is a new day with new stresses but i don't have to eat over any of them. i can if i want to, but i don't have to.

happy eating! xo

some shite i'm learning...

there is no "i'll start tomorrow"...

"ima wait til sunday because it's the beginning of the week"

"i can't start today, it's the 29th of the month. i'll start on the 1st"

"i have this dinner to go to in 4 days so why start now? i'll just wait til after that"

"i haven't worked out in two weeks and i'm going on vacation next week so why even bother THIS week?"

blah blah blah.

i'm just realizing more and more that it comes down to what i want for myself TODAY. am i gonna be a total waste today or am i gonna take care of myself? my body is like a well-oiled machine and i feel excellent when i'm eating well, working out, drinking water, getting rest, etc...some days i just wanna check out and do a little zombie-eating (eating to numb out and escape) and i ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS regret it. it's just not worth it. i like to wake up and feel good. i like to get dressed and feel good. i like to look in the mirror and not wanna vomit. i like to not envy every skinny girl i see because i feel so gross about me.

my mom made a pineapple upside down cake last night and today is my lazy sunday and of course i want my lazy sunday to include cake for breakfast. but if i eat it then this whole day is gonna feel like shit. i'm a food addict, i can't have cake for breakfast and move on. i'm so sensitive to that shit. eating cake today doesn't line up with my goals so just for today, i'm gonna pass. here's to another bottle of water...

happy eating! xo

life is at me. i want cookies.

i'm feeling a lot of stuff today i don't like. anxiety, powerlessness, self-loathing, fear of the unknown, fear of failure...and somehow that makes me feel so hungry i could eat a house. or a horse. a cow. moo.

so i've processed some of these feelings over the last 6 hours, talked about them with my friends and husband, cried and screamed, ate my vegetables, and drank some water and the urgency to stuff my face has passed. thank God.

there's always a reason to eat. always something that's uncomfortable in life and i have to learn to just walk through it...the alternative is a miserable miserable existence as an obese, insane person. i have the same illness that those 500 pound people on biggest loser have. i have what it takes to get there EASY. so it's really one day at a time of not turning to food to cope.

there is hope for me because tomorrow i could potentially wake up and feel amazing. these troubles will absolutely work themselves out and i didn't have to harm myself in the proccess. being abstinent and on the wagon means i can walk through my life that is full of the same awesome stuff and the same shit that everyone else has but i don't have to be fat while doing it. AND i have energy and i feel good about myself. i have confidence. i'm strong. my creative talent can flow. that's a good thing. it's totally worth it...i go to bed with a good feeling.

happy eating! xo

i heart wagons

today marks 1 full week (since christmas) of eating well and treating my body like the awesome machine it is and i feel GREAT. the reason i'm excited about it being a week is because it takes me that long to start feeling normal after i fuck off with my food. i don't eat like the average american that gains 1 pound over the holiday season. i eat like every kind of barn yard animal you can think of.

so yeah, that's pretty much it. i'm on the wagon and i feel good. i'm sitting here with no guilt or shame or remorse about my eating and i don't feel like a huge stuffed sausage. i'm not in "crave" mode because i haven't eaten the shit that triggers me. i've lost a pound of the shit i put on. and i don't totally loathe myself. woot!

it's the new year and i do have some goals...no cliche resolutions, just goals that i can aspire to do. i'd like to get back into running and run a half marathon in the spring. never did one of those yet. i'd like to do another warrior's dash in the fall. i'm planning to participate in a polar plunge in february. i will become a licensed cosmetologist after i pass my state board exam. i want to start saving money after i pay off some of my debts to my family. maybe i'll read a book or two. i haven't read in so long. i want to continue bringing models in to work so i can keep learning and practicing how to do beautiful hair...

so much to do, no time to be sittin around eating!!

you feel like what you shove down your throat

you are what you eat?? hmmmm....what does that really mean? i guess if i eat doughnuts, i will turn into an enormous, jelly-filled fatty? i think it means a little more than that..

i've had some good days and bad days over the last 4 months since i started p90x. it really is an EXTREME fitness program and i noticed that when my food turned to shit, I absolutely turned to shit as well. talk about shlubbin through a workout and wanting to die. if i ate crap for two days and then tried doing whatever crazy shit tony horton was doin, not only did i feel and look like a stuffed sausage in my workout clothes, but i could hardly get through the 50-minute workout.

someone said to me a few months ago "it's pretty awesome that you have the ability to work and go to school and do p90x." i kinda shrugged it off at the time, but today i do appreciate what an awesome thing it is to have the kind of energy to do all that. i need the right balance of the right foods to really LIVE an amazing life.

once again i am reminded that i don't just stay away from junk food because i want to be thin. i stay away because it really is poison and it doesn't help me get everything i want out of my life. i'm not making any big new year's resolutions. i'm starting with right now. today. this moment. i want to feel good in my skin. it's so rewarding to make sacrifices and go through life feeling amazing. it really is worth it.

happy eating! xo

just a wee bit plump

it's all my mom's fault. that's all i'm gonna say. she should be the executive chef of some 5-star restaurant. i swear to God she can take a pile of shit and turn it into gold...the edible kind.

so i'm not gonna lie. i planned it. i planned to join in with the rest of america and become a gluttonous pig on the eve and the day of christmas. so it's been two days now since i had to get my stomach pumped just kidding and i'm back on track. i'm starting to wonder if it's possible that i'm a little more "normal" than i once thought. it's true that once i start, i can't stop and once i start eating crap, that's all i wanna eat and i eat over stress and emotions...but isn't the rest of the world a little bit like that too?

i don't know. who cares. it's exhausting trying to figure this all out. for certain there are two kinds of people:

people type 1: food is just fuel and it's not a big deal
people type 2: food is fuel and fun and a stress-reliever and a boredom-fixer and an emotion-drowner

and then there's a spectrum for people type 2 that goes from functional-people type 2 all the way to OMG kill me i'm a food addict. i definitely think i'm on the people type 2 spectrum but perhaps i'm not such a fucking weirdo like i thought. i'm just pretty astonished to find myself able to make the choice today to not eat shit. i really do have that choice and i didn't always feel that way. i am grateful for the freedom i have even if it's not perfect. i've come so far. it's a God-given miracle.

happy eating! xo

the all potato diet

i'm on this kick and i need to share it 'cause it's soooooooooooo damn good.

baked potatoes with hummus. OMG.

bake your potato, cut it up, pour calorie-free spray butter all over it (don't be shy - there's nothing in it but toxic, cancer-causing chemicals) and then plop a few tablespoons of your favorite hummus on top with a little salt and pepper.

nom nom nom

it comes to about 200 calories and not a whole lot of fat. i think the key is the spray butter (i can't believe it's not butter or olivio) because potatoes are so dry. without it, your little meal won't be as good. if you use regular butter or margarine, then you're loading up the fat and cals. this totally beats french fries or using ranch dressing or whatever else. it's fucking delicious.

one at breakfast, one for lunch, and a sensible dinner. you're on your way to gettin that ass back in your pants.

happy eating! xo

a million reasons to stuff my face

it's christmas time!
it's christmas eve!
it's christmas day!
it's christmas day leftovers.
it's new year's eve!
it's new year's day!
it's new year's day leftovers.
it's someone's birthday!
it's a wedding!
it's friday night!
it's saturday night!
it's a lousy, rainy monday.
it's a boring, slumpy wednesday.
it's a stressful day at work.
it's a lethargic lazy sunday.
i'm bored.
i'm tired and crabby.
i'm lonely.
i miss my husband.
i got in a fight with my husband.
i graduated!
i hate my job.
my boss is a dick.
i got a raise!
my car broke.
i'm broke.
it's a church potluck!
i'm breathing!
it's valentine's day!
it's easter!
it's the first memorial day picnic!
it's another summer picnic!
it's july 4th!
it's my birthday!
we're on vacation!
it's our anniversary!
it's labor day!
it's halloween!
it's halloween leftovers.
it's thanksgiving!
it's thanksgiving leftovers.
IT'S FUCKING CHRISTMAS TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so many excuses. so many "good" reasons. i find that almost every day i can come up with a reason to eat. God i wish i were normal. what would it be like if i were? if i just didn't care about food. the great obsession of every compulsive eater: to eat like normal people.

so what's that one good reason i don't?
when i'm in the food, it's all i got. i lose everything. my self-confidence. self-esteem. my sanity. my love of self. my love of others. my ability to be a blessing to others. my motivation and drive to really LIVE. my peace. ... my world shrinks and the only thing left is me and the food. such a lonely place. it's just not worth it today.

just for today, i'm not gonna eat. tomorrow is another day full of a whole new set of temptations and choices. but right at this moment, my resolve is high to be abstinent and just say no thank you.

happy eating! xo

tis the season to be a fat ass

it's so funny how it is with food. it's everywhere. imagine being a drug addict and walking into work every day to a smorgasbord of crack and heroine on the table in the breakroom. or a sex addict going to a work christmas party and the party is catered by fucking hustler magazine. no food, just porn. that's my life EVERY DAY. i walk into work and there's SHIT every where! OMG it makes me crazy and it's even worse now because it's christmas.

christmas is a time of giving, a time of joy, a time of being with one's family, AND A TIME OF BEING A FUCKING HUGE COW.

i'm a little pissed off. can ya tell?

it's just frustrating because food gives me warm fuzzys just like everyone else but everyone else can stop after a few bites. or even if everyone else can't stop after a few bites and they over indulge, they can at least stop the next day. they can have their fun and get back on the wagon whenever they want.

well i can't. i've tried. OMG have i tried. i have literally said to myself, "just eat these two cookies, tina. a normal person will eat two cookies and move on". and i absolutely cannot. there is no way around it. i am not normal. i feel like i say the same old shit in this blog but i need to remind myself all the time that i am not like other people. for whatever reason. who knows why, and who cares.

so back to the christmas issue................... cookies. fucking kill me now i love christmas cookies and i am telling myself every day that i can make my own enormous tin full of cookies and eat them all by myself, but just not today. i can eat them tomorrow. tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow....God help my poor soul.

how the fuck did i get in prison AGAIN?

i feel like a hypocrite with this blog anymore...who am i to write about this shit? i'm not free at all. i'm so fucked it's not even funny. i mean, i guess i'm a little bit free. i have moments where i come out of the cage and walk around and enjoy the outside but then i inevitably go back in the creepy, ugly, dingy, depressing, lonely cage and it's hard to come out once i go back in.

if i'm not eating it (cage), i'm thinking about eating it (cage), and if i'm not thinking about eating it, i'm obsessing about my body and how imperfect it is (cage)...when i'm not obsessing about my body or eating or thinking about eating, i'm free (outside the cage) and that happens so rarely anymore.

maybe i need to clarify my goal because it changes all the time. would i feel more free from this madness if i knew what i wanted from my day? i tend to live in the following:

goal 1: sometimes i want to be super strict and really whip myself. like eat only carrots and plain oatmeal. and water.

goal 2: other times i want to stay on the wagon but maybe at least once that day i want to drag my face in the dirt while the wagon is moving. like for the most part eat carrots and oatmeal and water but also throw in some nice meal my mom made like turkey pot pie that sits all warm and cozy in my belly.

goal 3: and then there's the other times where i say fuck that wagon and i jump off and land so easily and conveniently at the wawa tasty cake section. because it can be just sooo fucking tiring to give a shit ALL THE TIME.

oh wow, how interesting...i just re-read this post to try and come to a conclusion (and look for spelling errors) and i realized something...i'm so focused on the food when it's not really about the food at all. how do i forget this? the food is a symptom of a deeper problem...where is my spiritual life? i am so self-centered, i can't see anything else. is there something i'm afraid to see?...hmmmm...food for thought...haha food for thought. get it? haha that's some funny shit.

happy eating! xo

where i'm at these days...

i've been struggling a lot, hence not posting at all. i don't like to post when i don't feel good about my food because i'm ashamed. but i think i'm starting to have a shift in thinking which may actually help me relax a little...

so i'm a true food addict and i will always struggle with it. that will never change. i am not normal, i can't have just one when it comes to sugar. sugar is like crack to me. there is no such thing as 1 cookie. no way in hell. BUT i've been realizing that maybe i don't have to be perfect and when my food gets a little messy, maybe i don't have to freak out. i have always freaked out in the past because i was so afraid of going back to who i was...the 230 pound person that wanted to die. i am realizing that i am a strong person and i am not a victim and i do have choices today just like everyone else. if i make a wrong choice about my food (just like everyone else on the planet) it doesn't have to be the end of the world.

the other cool thing is that i'm realizing that maybe i can just accept myself right where i am. who cares if i'm a size 6 instead of a 4? who cares if i'm not the skinniest person in the room? who cares if i have imperfections?

i think other people see me as a whole person and they just love me for who i am and i hope to see myself that way someday. what if i could see "tina". just tina...the whole picture...not tina with stretch marks. or tina with a little belly that sticks out after she eats. or tina with a puffy face in the morning. tina with too many freckles and beauty marks....what if i could look at tina and just see an amazing, beautiful, loving woman who is silly and funky and imperfect? it would be great if i could see just tina and not tina + everything that is "wrong" that needs to be fixed.

i kinda feel a little sad...sad that i waste so much time trying to make me be better. maybe i'm okay just the way i am...

XO

simulating shit

i've found a few foods that help me look forward to my meals but i still stay healthy and "on the wagon"

butternut squash + sugar free ketchup = french fries

grilled tofu + spices of your choosing = cheese

egg nog tea + sweetener + milk = egg nog

oatbran + spray butter + sweetener and cinnamon = baked good

plain fage greek yogurt = eating sour cream by the spoonful

plain fage yogurt + strawberry polaner all fruit spread = icecream

coffee + fat free half and half + sweetener = dessert

canned pumpkin + egg whites and milk + cinnamon, sweetener, and sugar free maple syrup = pumpkin pie

these are just a few ideas. but i think the key is getting your head straight. if you're grumpy and pissy about having to eat healthy and get rid of the junk, you won't enjoy these foods. but if you're grateful and you realize that it's a choice to eat well and take care of yourself, you will look forward to these little perks.

happy eating! xo

halloween, thanksgiving, christmas, and every day in between

this time of year is so hard. each holiday brings special, traditional foods that i always looked forward to.

halloween: reeses peanut butter cups, every type of candy created by man
thanksgiving: warm biscuits, pumpkin spice lattes, apple pie with ice cream, ginger snaps
christmas: egg nog, egg nog, egg nog, egg nog, lox and bagels, cranberry muffins, christmas cookies, glazed ham, chocolate

ok so now that i've tortured myself... actually it's kind of freeing to just get it out there. this is all the shit that makes me CRAAAAAAZZZZY. once i start, i can't stop and when i can't stop, i turn into a lunatic. so the goal is to get through all these holidays and every day in between without picking up the shit that makes me fat and crazy. if i don't ever start the ball rolling, i won't go plumeting downhill to sure and certain death.

halloween: check.
thanksgiving: on deck.

happy eating! xo

back in the madness

this food thing has me wooped. i can't say no anymore. it has such power over me. i swore yesterday that i was gonna be abstinent. i packed my food and had a plan and by 2:30pm i was eating cookies.

"what's the big deal? it's not heroine." someone said to me.

"maybe you should give yourself a free day each week. this happens because you deprive yourself." someone else said to me.

fuck that shit, you totally don't get it. once i start, i can't stop. sometimes i just want someone to say "dude, i totally get it. this must be hard and i can see why you're freaking out."

food is my drug. i use it for EVERYTHING. can i get through this day by turning to God instead of food? i need a miracle.

happy eating! XO

4 pounds heavier and stronger than ever

gag. i know i'm gaining muscle but COME ON!!!!!!!!!! i wanted to do p90x and SLIM DOWN. damnit damnit damnit. seriously, i wish i were a dude. i feel like guys don't get all jacked up about the numbers. maybe they do about how much they bench press but not how much they weigh.

ok so halfway through p90x and i've ganined 4 pounds and my clothes fit the same. i can see some minor differences but i'm still not ripped.

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i've also gotten 2 more sponsors since my last one that had to let me go and it's really tough. they all have a different way of doing things and they all think i should be eating different things. it is very scary to me and frustrating.

so i kinda suck right now. but it's okay to suck sometimes, right?

happy eating! xo