tis the season to be a fat ass

it's so funny how it is with food. it's everywhere. imagine being a drug addict and walking into work every day to a smorgasbord of crack and heroine on the table in the breakroom. or a sex addict going to a work christmas party and the party is catered by fucking hustler magazine. no food, just porn. that's my life EVERY DAY. i walk into work and there's SHIT every where! OMG it makes me crazy and it's even worse now because it's christmas.

christmas is a time of giving, a time of joy, a time of being with one's family, AND A TIME OF BEING A FUCKING HUGE COW.

i'm a little pissed off. can ya tell?

it's just frustrating because food gives me warm fuzzys just like everyone else but everyone else can stop after a few bites. or even if everyone else can't stop after a few bites and they over indulge, they can at least stop the next day. they can have their fun and get back on the wagon whenever they want.

well i can't. i've tried. OMG have i tried. i have literally said to myself, "just eat these two cookies, tina. a normal person will eat two cookies and move on". and i absolutely cannot. there is no way around it. i am not normal. i feel like i say the same old shit in this blog but i need to remind myself all the time that i am not like other people. for whatever reason. who knows why, and who cares.

so back to the christmas issue................... cookies. fucking kill me now i love christmas cookies and i am telling myself every day that i can make my own enormous tin full of cookies and eat them all by myself, but just not today. i can eat them tomorrow. tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow....God help my poor soul.

how the fuck did i get in prison AGAIN?

i feel like a hypocrite with this blog anymore...who am i to write about this shit? i'm not free at all. i'm so fucked it's not even funny. i mean, i guess i'm a little bit free. i have moments where i come out of the cage and walk around and enjoy the outside but then i inevitably go back in the creepy, ugly, dingy, depressing, lonely cage and it's hard to come out once i go back in.

if i'm not eating it (cage), i'm thinking about eating it (cage), and if i'm not thinking about eating it, i'm obsessing about my body and how imperfect it is (cage)...when i'm not obsessing about my body or eating or thinking about eating, i'm free (outside the cage) and that happens so rarely anymore.

maybe i need to clarify my goal because it changes all the time. would i feel more free from this madness if i knew what i wanted from my day? i tend to live in the following:

goal 1: sometimes i want to be super strict and really whip myself. like eat only carrots and plain oatmeal. and water.

goal 2: other times i want to stay on the wagon but maybe at least once that day i want to drag my face in the dirt while the wagon is moving. like for the most part eat carrots and oatmeal and water but also throw in some nice meal my mom made like turkey pot pie that sits all warm and cozy in my belly.

goal 3: and then there's the other times where i say fuck that wagon and i jump off and land so easily and conveniently at the wawa tasty cake section. because it can be just sooo fucking tiring to give a shit ALL THE TIME.

oh wow, how interesting...i just re-read this post to try and come to a conclusion (and look for spelling errors) and i realized something...i'm so focused on the food when it's not really about the food at all. how do i forget this? the food is a symptom of a deeper problem...where is my spiritual life? i am so self-centered, i can't see anything else. is there something i'm afraid to see?...hmmmm...food for thought...haha food for thought. get it? haha that's some funny shit.

happy eating! xo

where i'm at these days...

i've been struggling a lot, hence not posting at all. i don't like to post when i don't feel good about my food because i'm ashamed. but i think i'm starting to have a shift in thinking which may actually help me relax a little...

so i'm a true food addict and i will always struggle with it. that will never change. i am not normal, i can't have just one when it comes to sugar. sugar is like crack to me. there is no such thing as 1 cookie. no way in hell. BUT i've been realizing that maybe i don't have to be perfect and when my food gets a little messy, maybe i don't have to freak out. i have always freaked out in the past because i was so afraid of going back to who i was...the 230 pound person that wanted to die. i am realizing that i am a strong person and i am not a victim and i do have choices today just like everyone else. if i make a wrong choice about my food (just like everyone else on the planet) it doesn't have to be the end of the world.

the other cool thing is that i'm realizing that maybe i can just accept myself right where i am. who cares if i'm a size 6 instead of a 4? who cares if i'm not the skinniest person in the room? who cares if i have imperfections?

i think other people see me as a whole person and they just love me for who i am and i hope to see myself that way someday. what if i could see "tina". just tina...the whole picture...not tina with stretch marks. or tina with a little belly that sticks out after she eats. or tina with a puffy face in the morning. tina with too many freckles and beauty marks....what if i could look at tina and just see an amazing, beautiful, loving woman who is silly and funky and imperfect? it would be great if i could see just tina and not tina + everything that is "wrong" that needs to be fixed.

i kinda feel a little sad...sad that i waste so much time trying to make me be better. maybe i'm okay just the way i am...

XO

simulating shit

i've found a few foods that help me look forward to my meals but i still stay healthy and "on the wagon"

butternut squash + sugar free ketchup = french fries

grilled tofu + spices of your choosing = cheese

egg nog tea + sweetener + milk = egg nog

oatbran + spray butter + sweetener and cinnamon = baked good

plain fage greek yogurt = eating sour cream by the spoonful

plain fage yogurt + strawberry polaner all fruit spread = icecream

coffee + fat free half and half + sweetener = dessert

canned pumpkin + egg whites and milk + cinnamon, sweetener, and sugar free maple syrup = pumpkin pie

these are just a few ideas. but i think the key is getting your head straight. if you're grumpy and pissy about having to eat healthy and get rid of the junk, you won't enjoy these foods. but if you're grateful and you realize that it's a choice to eat well and take care of yourself, you will look forward to these little perks.

happy eating! xo

halloween, thanksgiving, christmas, and every day in between

this time of year is so hard. each holiday brings special, traditional foods that i always looked forward to.

halloween: reeses peanut butter cups, every type of candy created by man
thanksgiving: warm biscuits, pumpkin spice lattes, apple pie with ice cream, ginger snaps
christmas: egg nog, egg nog, egg nog, egg nog, lox and bagels, cranberry muffins, christmas cookies, glazed ham, chocolate

ok so now that i've tortured myself... actually it's kind of freeing to just get it out there. this is all the shit that makes me CRAAAAAAZZZZY. once i start, i can't stop and when i can't stop, i turn into a lunatic. so the goal is to get through all these holidays and every day in between without picking up the shit that makes me fat and crazy. if i don't ever start the ball rolling, i won't go plumeting downhill to sure and certain death.

halloween: check.
thanksgiving: on deck.

happy eating! xo

back in the madness

this food thing has me wooped. i can't say no anymore. it has such power over me. i swore yesterday that i was gonna be abstinent. i packed my food and had a plan and by 2:30pm i was eating cookies.

"what's the big deal? it's not heroine." someone said to me.

"maybe you should give yourself a free day each week. this happens because you deprive yourself." someone else said to me.

fuck that shit, you totally don't get it. once i start, i can't stop. sometimes i just want someone to say "dude, i totally get it. this must be hard and i can see why you're freaking out."

food is my drug. i use it for EVERYTHING. can i get through this day by turning to God instead of food? i need a miracle.

happy eating! XO

4 pounds heavier and stronger than ever

gag. i know i'm gaining muscle but COME ON!!!!!!!!!! i wanted to do p90x and SLIM DOWN. damnit damnit damnit. seriously, i wish i were a dude. i feel like guys don't get all jacked up about the numbers. maybe they do about how much they bench press but not how much they weigh.

ok so halfway through p90x and i've ganined 4 pounds and my clothes fit the same. i can see some minor differences but i'm still not ripped.

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i've also gotten 2 more sponsors since my last one that had to let me go and it's really tough. they all have a different way of doing things and they all think i should be eating different things. it is very scary to me and frustrating.

so i kinda suck right now. but it's okay to suck sometimes, right?

happy eating! xo