simulating shit

i've found a few foods that help me look forward to my meals but i still stay healthy and "on the wagon"

butternut squash + sugar free ketchup = french fries

grilled tofu + spices of your choosing = cheese

egg nog tea + sweetener + milk = egg nog

oatbran + spray butter + sweetener and cinnamon = baked good

plain fage greek yogurt = eating sour cream by the spoonful

plain fage yogurt + strawberry polaner all fruit spread = icecream

coffee + fat free half and half + sweetener = dessert

canned pumpkin + egg whites and milk + cinnamon, sweetener, and sugar free maple syrup = pumpkin pie

these are just a few ideas. but i think the key is getting your head straight. if you're grumpy and pissy about having to eat healthy and get rid of the junk, you won't enjoy these foods. but if you're grateful and you realize that it's a choice to eat well and take care of yourself, you will look forward to these little perks.

happy eating! xo

halloween, thanksgiving, christmas, and every day in between

this time of year is so hard. each holiday brings special, traditional foods that i always looked forward to.

halloween: reeses peanut butter cups, every type of candy created by man
thanksgiving: warm biscuits, pumpkin spice lattes, apple pie with ice cream, ginger snaps
christmas: egg nog, egg nog, egg nog, egg nog, lox and bagels, cranberry muffins, christmas cookies, glazed ham, chocolate

ok so now that i've tortured myself... actually it's kind of freeing to just get it out there. this is all the shit that makes me CRAAAAAAZZZZY. once i start, i can't stop and when i can't stop, i turn into a lunatic. so the goal is to get through all these holidays and every day in between without picking up the shit that makes me fat and crazy. if i don't ever start the ball rolling, i won't go plumeting downhill to sure and certain death.

halloween: check.
thanksgiving: on deck.

happy eating! xo

back in the madness

this food thing has me wooped. i can't say no anymore. it has such power over me. i swore yesterday that i was gonna be abstinent. i packed my food and had a plan and by 2:30pm i was eating cookies.

"what's the big deal? it's not heroine." someone said to me.

"maybe you should give yourself a free day each week. this happens because you deprive yourself." someone else said to me.

fuck that shit, you totally don't get it. once i start, i can't stop. sometimes i just want someone to say "dude, i totally get it. this must be hard and i can see why you're freaking out."

food is my drug. i use it for EVERYTHING. can i get through this day by turning to God instead of food? i need a miracle.

happy eating! XO

4 pounds heavier and stronger than ever

gag. i know i'm gaining muscle but COME ON!!!!!!!!!! i wanted to do p90x and SLIM DOWN. damnit damnit damnit. seriously, i wish i were a dude. i feel like guys don't get all jacked up about the numbers. maybe they do about how much they bench press but not how much they weigh.

ok so halfway through p90x and i've ganined 4 pounds and my clothes fit the same. i can see some minor differences but i'm still not ripped.

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i've also gotten 2 more sponsors since my last one that had to let me go and it's really tough. they all have a different way of doing things and they all think i should be eating different things. it is very scary to me and frustrating.

so i kinda suck right now. but it's okay to suck sometimes, right?

happy eating! xo

alone in the abyss

i'm swimmin in the great ocean with a school of fish but i'm sort of in the back ready to get swept away and scarfed down by an enormous shark.

that's how i feel since i lost my sponsor. it's amazing how quickly shit can go down. one minute i got someone to be accountable to and the next minute - not so much. and now i'm playing with the following thoughts:

1. screw it. let's eat!
2. haha i'm not going to meetings for a whole week!
3. woohoo! i'm not writing every day for 15 minutes!!
4. yeehaaaa! no outreach calls to strange people i don't really like!
5. hmm...i think i can have a little extra protein....maybe another grain or two...OR MAYBE I CAN JUST EAT A WHOLE TUB OF BEN AND JERRY'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's so annoying. my food addiction is like that shark stalking me from behind - ready to grab me when i fall behind just a little.

i need to find a new sponsor and continue doing what i know works, but damnit, i don't want to. i find it to be very very difficult to begin working with a new person. it's painful and uncomfortable. but if i don't work the steps, my next binge is inevitable.

staying in the moment...working it one minute at a time.

happy eating! xo

rebellion and willfulness only brings disappointment

i weighed in today. 145. um. wow. kinda pissed off right now. i started back into abstinence at 145. started p90x at 142...

i am experiencing rage.

perhaps you're thinking... "oh, tina, stop it! you're beautiful!" or "everybody's weight fluctuates" or "you're gaining muscle"

F---k that, man!!! F---K THAT!!!

all i know is i have been working my ASS off and this is extremely frustrating. so i tried on a pair of tight pants that i can only wear on really "good" days...like when i'm not menstruating and it's not humid etc and i can hardly button them and i feel like a stuffed sausage. so that's how i know that something is wrong. i know you can't go by the scale, you have to go by your clothes and so this is real, hard evidence.

OMG i'm so angry, i can't even make this post humorous.

ok so what am i gonna do about it? what kinds of things have i been doing that are hindering my progress??

1. i do not always weigh and measure with care. i continue to want to "eyeball" my food and i always eyeball BIG.
2. i make poor food choices. i eat a lot of cheese instead of lean meat like fish or chicken. i eat mayo and ranch dressing instead of olive oil.
3. i eat a lot of salt on my veggies. i need to ween myself off a little...i really tend to go overboard.

so can i make those slight adjustments today? absolutely. i have become willing to because i only hurt myself when i don't follow directions and when i make a decision based off of angry, self-pity ridden feelings (i.e. "i've given up so much already, i deserve to eat extra salt, a little extra fat, and cheese instead of chicken".

here we go. happy eating. xo

30 days is the landmark anniversary in any recovery group

i've been on the wagon for 30 days. i don't remember the last time i got that many days together. for real! i'd always lose it after 2-3 weeks...then for a while, it got really bad and i was screwing around with my food every few days! yikes! little slips always turned into binges...

so here i am. one whole month in the bag. how do i feel?

um....i feel nothing. i feel like the last 29 days is irrelevant and i have to focus on my recovery today. today is a new day with new challenges and my abstinence is not guaranteed today - not at all! i could easily stray from what i know works.

so here's to a brand new day - just like day 1.

happy eating! xo