shit's been weird lately. i've been grieving a lot and processing some sick thoughts.
somewhere along the line, i picked up the view that skinny is better. not only is not being fat better, but if you line up 2 women and they're both skinny, the skinnier one is better. where did i get this delusional thinking? living in the U.S. for 31 years and flipping through victoria's secret magazines probably has something to do with it. sooooo when i do p90x and change my body, gain 5 pounds, and have to go up a pant size, i kinda feel like it's the end of the world.
if i were talking with someone else that had these thoughts, i would tell them they're beautiful and it's not about the numbers and it's how you feel, not how you look and curvy women are beautiful, and blah blah blah but that's just not how i feel about myself.
i've always wanted to be petite. i remember having these thoughts even in elementary school. i compared my "fat" self to my classmates all the time and always felt less than. as an adult, i admire women that are bony and slender with no curves. i don't even know why!! it haunts me and makes me hate myself because i am none of those things. i'm not petite and i'm not skinny. i'm an average women who wears an average pant size, with average muscle tone and who's just an average weight.
i've been in therapy, i've done the 12 steps, i've walked with God. and yet i'm still fucked up in the head and hatin on my own self. someone kill me because this is not how i want to spend the rest of my life...wishing i were something else. it makes it impossible to have any joy and i am definitely wasting my youthful days. i don't wanna be 65 years old and look back only to realize i was a pretty amazing woman and i wasted it.
so what the fuck am i gonna do about it? honestly, i don't know. i guess i have to do that thing where you replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. so when i think to myself, "tina, you're so fat and gross" i'll say "no, you're a beautiful, capable, strong woman!".......oh gag me.
happy eating! xo
