day 7 and moving forward

here it is. day 7. i've had a million day sevens. but this time i'm actually doing something differently.

repentance literally means turning around and going in the opposite direction. so if something isn't working but you keeping doing the same shit, what's that called? INSANITY. i've been insane for a while now with food and it hasn't really shown on the ouside. unless you are intuitive and have noticed that i'm in a bad mood ALL THE TIME, you really wouldn't know that i've been a wreck. i wonder how many other people out there are a wreck but nobody notices....hmm....

it's not just about the weight. i gained 9 pounds back. not the end of the world. but what about waking up every day with a sense of dread? being a bitchy wife? never wanting to be touched because i feel like a cow? hating everyone i interact with because really, i hate myself? wanting to hide in bed all day and doing so unless absolutely necessary to leave? or NOT hiding in bed all day and going through the motions of life but not enjoying it at all? that's even worse!!!

so that's where i was but not where i'm going. today is day 7 of not only being on the wagon, but it's day 7 of my new life - my life being committed to spiritual principles again, being an active, live member of my family, salon, and school and being of service to God and my fellows. how 'bout it? let's see where this road takes me. this new road to freedom.

happy eating! xo

i'm on the boat. my boat is red. what color is yours?

up until like, what?...4 days ago? i can't remember...i was drowning. people were throwing me lifesavers but i'd only hold on for a little until i thought i could swim on my own again. so finally i got tired of keeping myself just above water and decided to hop in the first boat i saw. the boat was red. and it's probably the safest boat i've ever been in.

my red boat looks like this:

1. no sugar or flour ever. no matter what.
2. work a full 12-step program
3. call people in my group every day. at least 3. and it only counts if i reach someone.
4. write for 15 minutes a day. every day.
5. give up artificial sweeteners completely. weigh and measure everything. no matter what.
6. if i want to eat something not on my plan, i have to call the captain of the ship (my sponsor) or she'll kick me out of the boat and make me find a new one.
7. i have to commit my food and talk to my sponsor daily.
8. experience true freedom and sanity and happiness and actually like being alive

this seems like a really fucking intense boat right? well here are some other boats i've been in...

purple boat: do whatever i want and gain all the weight back that i've lost and want to kill myself

green boat: work a half-ass program and gain some of my weight back AND become an insane crazy lunatic and lose my relationship with God and become a horrible wife, daughter, coworker, employee, friend, sister, and hate waking up in the morning and feel a sense of dread every day.

i like the red boat the best. i have to work really hard but it's what i gotta do to stay sane, happy, joyous, and free.

happy eating! xo

i might not die of cancer afterall

my new sponsor says no artificial sweeteners. not even stevia. nothing in my coffee. no soda. no diet tea. no sugar-free condiments. nothing in my oatmeal. no gum.

hmm...you'd think i'd want to kill myself but i'm actually excited. why? because i need these boundaries or i will always lean toward hurting myself. i lack the ability to say no to things that give me pleasure. artificial sweeteners give me a little jolt. i look forward to them. i mean let's be honest - it's just like sugar. the only difference is it's chemicals so i get a little sugar jolt AND i get to die of cancer. so i'm kinda stoked that someone else out there cares more about my health than i do.

so i'm sippin my coffee right now with nothing in it. kinda wanna throw up. BUT i know i will get used to it. my taste buds will adjust and i will learn to like it. i officially start my new food plan today that my new sponsor tailored toward me. praise the good Lord in heaven that i don't have to start over with the 30 day detox. here's my plan for today:

breakfast: 3 tbsp oatbran, banana, 1 cup milk/1 oz cheese, 1 tsp butter
snack: 1oz cheese, 1 apple
lunch: 4oz turkey, 1 pc bread, 1 tsp mayo, 2 cups broccoli
snack: 1pc bread, 1oz cheese, mustard
dinner: 4oz eggs, 1 tsp mayo, 2 tbsp dressing, 2 cups cauli, 1 pc bread

happy eating! xo

on planet tina, 2 tbsp is really 1/4 cup. so i've decided to move.

i weigh and measure my food. if you know me, you know this. i do it because i have to. not because i'm some diet saint or because i like it. if i don't do it, my head spins and i start thinking about more more more. it sounds crazy but weighing and measuring my food is not a straight jacket for me. it is the key to my freedom.

i weigh 144.5 today. about 2 weeks ago, i was 139. you might think "that's normal! everybody's weight fluctuates!" but i'm hear to tell you, it's not normal for me. i consistently put these 5 pounds back on because i weigh and measure MY WAY. a heaping tablespoon is always in order in my house. eyeballing my food never works because i always eyeball BIG. not to mention the binges. i can seriously HOUSE some food. i can easily take in about 5,000 calories in one day without blinking an eye.

so. i got myself a sponsor again and i will call her to committ my food in 45 minutes. i am afraid. i am so used to doing this program MY WAY...when i want, how i want and i'm prepared to do whatever she says. it makes me sick with anxiety.

but i must do this because i am not free. do you know what it's like to taste freedom? freedom to really LIVE? to enjoy life? to be excited about the littlest things? praising God for the cool breeze? loving the most annoying people? having amazing patience and grace to give others? have you ever had that? i've tasted it and lost it. and i want it back.

i'm not making any big promises. all i'm saying is that in 45 minutes, i'm gonna call my new sponsor and committ my food. and i'm gonna stay in this day and only do what's right in front of my face.

happy eating! xo

fat head is almost worse than actually being fat...or NOT

i don't know what i look like. it's a shame. supposedly i'm decent looking. i know this because every time i go to wawa, men stumble over the food displays just to get a glimpse. now, i'm not being a cocky bitch...this is my life. it's kinda creepy and annoying but my mom says to enjoy it because when i'm 59, no one will even notice me...unless i dress like a skanky middle-aged woman and walk around with my wrinkled tits hanging out...BTW, which is better? being a skanky 60 year old or being a 60 year old who wears winnie the pooh sweatshirts with a turtle neck underneath??

moving on...

so i have fat head. when i look in the mirror, i see fat. not that my head is fat but that i am still enormous!! i wish i could leave my body and watch myself walk down the street. i wonder what i'd see?? it's frustrating because i have worked really hard to get where i am and i still don't realize WHO i am and what i'm capable of.

i think i've talked about this before. sorry if i'm being redundant, but this is my life. i am never satisfied. i am rarely content with myself. but i will step back and look at the big picture...i've lost approximately 100 pounds. i enjoy being creative with my style and i like waking up in the morning. i feel good. i am healthy. i have goals and i meet them. i have dreams and i strive for them. i'm nowhere near where i want to be, but i'm pretty damn proud of myself.

happy eating! xo

grains, grains, are good for your heart...they make you fart?

this detox shit has got to go. 4 days left until my triathalon and i'm sooooo over it. today i added a grain to fuel my workout and then i ate one afterward to help my body recover.

and now i feel fat.

this is maddening sometimes. either i feel like a cow or i'm starving to death. how can i find balance?

happy eating! xo

muffin tops and camel toe are AWESOME.

have you ever seen a woman with a little extra fun around the middle and in order to make her pants NOT accentuate the flab, she hikes her pants up as high as she can totally introducing us all to her fabulous camel toe? yes, i have seen it and i'm gonna tell you a little secret....it potentially could happen to me. yes, i could be one of those women and it scares me half to death.

i envy women who have itty bitty waste lines and large apple bottoms...you will always look good in your clothes no matter what. the shape is sexy and attractive. but someone like me?!!? when i gain weight, i get it right around the middle and my ass stays tiny so i look like a walking ball on stilts. can you picture it? a large ball....on stilts...walking....yes.

today is great. i am wearing my low rise jeans right where they're supposed to be and they don't have to be cranked up my hoo-ha in order to look good. one more reason to stick to my food plan.

happy eating! xo

like a punch in the face

it just hit me tonight. i feel a little obsessive about getting some food in me. i want crackers or bread or potatoes or something...but it really just hit me, and i want to record it, one piece of bread isn't gonna make a difference. 1 grain at each meal isn't gonna fix this. my hunger goes deeper. i want three loaves of bread not 3 slices!! i could totally "give in" and eat more food but it's not gonna do me any good. i need to learn to live my life and NOT fill my belly every time i feel the need!!!

i feel like i don't make sense. i need to go to bed. but i don't want to forget this...i'll rewrite it tomorrow.

i have the coolest pants. and i'm wearing them.

i have this pair of pants from express...actually, i have a few pairs from express that i LOVE LOVE LOVE. they are a size 4 and they require no bull shit. you can't have your period and wear these bitches. so i'm wearing them right now and they fit.

i feel fabulously beautiful.

today is day 11 of my detox and i kinda wanna jump off a bridge a little. just a little. my body is drained and tired and i feel like a smoked a little something...but i didn't. so i'm just gonna stay in the day and do another one no matter how shitty i feel. i will reach my goal. i WILL reach my goal!

happy eating! xo

4 pounds of unneccessary flab around my middle GONE!

so i weighed in this morning and my detox is paying off. to get back to my goal, i need to drop 6 more pounds. i really really really hope i can do it. i've been wrestling with these last few for MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!! it seems i always get stuck right here and give up. i don't wanna give up this time. i've worked too hard to be unhappy and to have clothes in my closet that make me feel like a sausage.

so let's break it down into something i can handle. all i have to do is stay on my detox plan today, work out after school, and drink lots of water. i can do this.

today's food plan - day 10:

3oz pork chop, 1/2 cup milk, 3/4 cup cherries

10oz cauliflower, 6oz carrots, 4oz turkey pepperoni

6oz salad, 16oz squash, 2 tbsp dressing, 4oz beef

happy eating! xo

just like the parting of the red sea, i shit you not

miracles do happen. for realz. it's a miracle that i didn't say fuck it today and eat shit i'm not supposed to eat. temptation was high for a few reasons:

1. i worked out super hard yesterday. i'm always hungrier the day after a tough work out.
2. i got sick late morning. a migraine sent me home from school and being sick is a huge trigger for me. somehow my sick head says food will make it all better.
3. i had a really lame dinner planned. 2oz cheese and raw carrots. GAG.
4. i'm legitimately hungry right now. my stomach hurts.

but i'm not giving in. why? because it's not worth it!!!! i have a goal i'm aiming for! i want to lose the 8 pounds i gained and i want to stop this roller coaster madness that food takes me on when i allow the door to open even just a smidge. so i'm going to bed hungry but abstinent. it's truly a miracle.

happy eating! xo

day 9 here we come

soooo i'm on day 9 of my detox...no grains and limited fats...basically protein and veggies only.

it's amazing how little food we really need. i feel humbled by this whole thing. despite some of the great freedoms i experience with food and with my body, food is still a very important thing in my life...always gotta make sure i have my food packed, "oh my gosh, i gotta eat every 4 hours or i'll fucking die!" i am experiencing the same "wow factor" that i experienced the first time i detoxed 3 years ago...food is fuel, and you don't need a whole lot.

most days are a struggle for me not to put more food in my mouth than i need. i always think i'm hungry but i'm discovering that it's only emotional. i am definitely a stress eater...an emotional eater...so when things come up throughout my day that are hard (even just boredom) i automatically think "i'm hungry!" but i'm really not! this food plan is teaching me that food is for fuel only and while i can enjoy my meals and eat the things i like, it's still always gotta come down to this:

i eat to fuel my body so i can live. period.

happy eating! xo