back in the madness

this food thing has me wooped. i can't say no anymore. it has such power over me. i swore yesterday that i was gonna be abstinent. i packed my food and had a plan and by 2:30pm i was eating cookies.

"what's the big deal? it's not heroine." someone said to me.

"maybe you should give yourself a free day each week. this happens because you deprive yourself." someone else said to me.

fuck that shit, you totally don't get it. once i start, i can't stop. sometimes i just want someone to say "dude, i totally get it. this must be hard and i can see why you're freaking out."

food is my drug. i use it for EVERYTHING. can i get through this day by turning to God instead of food? i need a miracle.

happy eating! XO

4 pounds heavier and stronger than ever

gag. i know i'm gaining muscle but COME ON!!!!!!!!!! i wanted to do p90x and SLIM DOWN. damnit damnit damnit. seriously, i wish i were a dude. i feel like guys don't get all jacked up about the numbers. maybe they do about how much they bench press but not how much they weigh.

ok so halfway through p90x and i've ganined 4 pounds and my clothes fit the same. i can see some minor differences but i'm still not ripped.

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i've also gotten 2 more sponsors since my last one that had to let me go and it's really tough. they all have a different way of doing things and they all think i should be eating different things. it is very scary to me and frustrating.

so i kinda suck right now. but it's okay to suck sometimes, right?

happy eating! xo