how does lonely equal cheese?? i mean, for real!?

my mom is in arizona, ryan is at work, i'm tired and alone and i can't stop thinking about housin a block of cheese. it's amazing to me how my hunger mechanism gets all screwy....like how does some negative emotion actually make me think i truly need more food??? i didn't work out yet today and i ate all my veggies and it's just not really physically possible that i'd need to eat anything else........but the cheese is calling me...it's creamy and salty and fatty and i fucking love it.

BUT it's just not an option for me tonight. maybe "normal" people out there can say "i had a long week, who cares - i can get back on the wagon tomorrow!" there is no such thing for a food addict. once the door is open to using food for emotional reasons, it's all over for me. food is simply fuel so i can live my life. that's how it has to be. i don't eat for fun, for feelings, for celebration, for loneliness....

my freedom from compulsive eating is sooooooo worth it. i'm gonna stick it out tonight because these feelings are temporary. ryan will be home in 2 hours and tomorrow is another day with a whole new food plan and a whole new set of feelings that i have to learn to live with and deal with WITHOUT stuffing my fucking face.

XO happy eating!

birthday funk

while everyone else had birthday fun, i was PISSED. oh man...it was so hard today. all the things i used to totally HOUSE down were in the classroom...subs, doritos, cup cakes, sheet cake, brownies...ugh. i had to leave the room a lot and sit in the cafeteria by myself because i couldn't stand looking at it and smelling it and watching other people eat it...

imagine a crack addict watching someone else smoke it....that's how i feel about food. icky icky. totally not fun. i fantasize about diving into an enormous cake and eating my way out...swimming in it...using the frosting as a pillow.

but i made it through the day without losing my abstinence and i didn't give in to the temptation to throw away my freedom from compulsive eating. i am grateful right now that i am NOT 230 pounds and i am healthy and happy. food is not worth it.

happy eating! XO

friday food fun

it's my instructor's birthday tomorrow. so there's gonna be cake and doritos and sugary soda and FUCK.

this is what i'm gonna eat while everyone else gets fat...no offense..

7oz yogurt, 1/4 cup milk, 1/4 cup oatmeal, 1 cup black berries, 2 tbsp 1/2 and 1/2

2oz cheese, 1oz crackers, 2 cups carrots, 2 tbsp dressing, 2 tbsp 1/2 and 1/2

OR if my good friend leah makes this strawberry thing i can actually eat, i'm gonna plan to add a fruit (strawberries) and oatmeal and cream...

dinner...let's see...

big fat salad, 4oz steak, 2 tbsp dressing, 1/4 cup oatmeal

we'll see how this party goes tomorrow! good times.
happy eating! XO

um. bad day.

i feel so fattylicious today, i hate it. i feel ugly and bloated and chubby and ICK! i have not lost my abstinence, so i don't know why i feel like this. i guess it's not worth obsessing about...we all have fat days, right?

this is what i plan to eat tomorrow:

3oz soynuts, 2 oz dried currants, 1/2 cup milk, 2 tbsp half and half, 1/4 cup oatmeal

1/4 cup oatmeal, 2oz cheese, 2 cups eggplant, 1/2 cup marinara sauce, 2 tbsp dressing, 2 tbsp 1/2 and 1/2, 2 oz dates

4oz steak, 1 cup lettuce, 1 cup mushroom and onion, 2 tbsp dressing, 1/4 cup oatmeal

i've been obsessed with cinnamon oatmeal...it's like dessert 3 times a day. woot!

happy eating! XO

to die for eggplant

sooooo i'm ending my strike against cooking - it all started with that damn sauteed mushroom and onion salad!

being with my mom has made taking the time to create meals WAY more enjoyable for me. tonight we made the most BOMB-ASS eggplant you could ever eat in your whole life and it worked with my food plan. check it -

slice an eggplant into coins. you don't need to skin it. in fact, don't.
have a bowl of egg whites and a bowl of grated parm cheese
dip the eggplant into the egg and then dredge through the cheese

using a non-stick pan - it has to be non-stick or your eggplant will suck ass - fry up your coins until the cheese browns and gets crispy. it works best on a low heat so the eggplant has time to cook. another tip - let the coins settle for a bit in the pan before moving and flipping so the cheese has time to mold to the coin.

we tried 3 different dipping sauces and they all were totally delish. marinara sauce has a traditional eggplant parm taste. ketchup (sugar-free for us food nutt cases) makes it taste like french fries or some totally fattening-ass fried food you'd get at a bar. and blue cheese or ranch just makes it taste fucking awesome. woot!

give it a go...it's worth the effort. and it's really filling...i kinda feel like i might vomit. good times.

XO happy eating

dang it: new blog

i thought i could rename my blog but i had to create a whole new one. bummer. i'll have to let my followers know....i only have 5 so it shouldn't be hard. :)