you are what you eat?? hmmmm....what does that really mean? i guess if i eat doughnuts, i will turn into an enormous, jelly-filled fatty? i think it means a little more than that..
i've had some good days and bad days over the last 4 months since i started p90x. it really is an EXTREME fitness program and i noticed that when my food turned to shit, I absolutely turned to shit as well. talk about shlubbin through a workout and wanting to die. if i ate crap for two days and then tried doing whatever crazy shit tony horton was doin, not only did i feel and look like a stuffed sausage in my workout clothes, but i could hardly get through the 50-minute workout.
someone said to me a few months ago "it's pretty awesome that you have the ability to work and go to school and do p90x." i kinda shrugged it off at the time, but today i do appreciate what an awesome thing it is to have the kind of energy to do all that. i need the right balance of the right foods to really LIVE an amazing life.
once again i am reminded that i don't just stay away from junk food because i want to be thin. i stay away because it really is poison and it doesn't help me get everything i want out of my life. i'm not making any big new year's resolutions. i'm starting with right now. today. this moment. i want to feel good in my skin. it's so rewarding to make sacrifices and go through life feeling amazing. it really is worth it.
happy eating! xo
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
just a wee bit plump
it's all my mom's fault. that's all i'm gonna say. she should be the executive chef of some 5-star restaurant. i swear to God she can take a pile of shit and turn it into gold...the edible kind.
so i'm not gonna lie. i planned it. i planned to join in with the rest of america and become a gluttonous pig on the eve and the day of christmas. so it's been two days now since i had to get my stomach pumped just kidding and i'm back on track. i'm starting to wonder if it's possible that i'm a little more "normal" than i once thought. it's true that once i start, i can't stop and once i start eating crap, that's all i wanna eat and i eat over stress and emotions...but isn't the rest of the world a little bit like that too?
i don't know. who cares. it's exhausting trying to figure this all out. for certain there are two kinds of people:
people type 1: food is just fuel and it's not a big deal
people type 2: food is fuel and fun and a stress-reliever and a boredom-fixer and an emotion-drowner
and then there's a spectrum for people type 2 that goes from functional-people type 2 all the way to OMG kill me i'm a food addict. i definitely think i'm on the people type 2 spectrum but perhaps i'm not such a fucking weirdo like i thought. i'm just pretty astonished to find myself able to make the choice today to not eat shit. i really do have that choice and i didn't always feel that way. i am grateful for the freedom i have even if it's not perfect. i've come so far. it's a God-given miracle.
happy eating! xo
so i'm not gonna lie. i planned it. i planned to join in with the rest of america and become a gluttonous pig on the eve and the day of christmas. so it's been two days now since i had to get my stomach pumped just kidding and i'm back on track. i'm starting to wonder if it's possible that i'm a little more "normal" than i once thought. it's true that once i start, i can't stop and once i start eating crap, that's all i wanna eat and i eat over stress and emotions...but isn't the rest of the world a little bit like that too?
i don't know. who cares. it's exhausting trying to figure this all out. for certain there are two kinds of people:
people type 1: food is just fuel and it's not a big deal
people type 2: food is fuel and fun and a stress-reliever and a boredom-fixer and an emotion-drowner
and then there's a spectrum for people type 2 that goes from functional-people type 2 all the way to OMG kill me i'm a food addict. i definitely think i'm on the people type 2 spectrum but perhaps i'm not such a fucking weirdo like i thought. i'm just pretty astonished to find myself able to make the choice today to not eat shit. i really do have that choice and i didn't always feel that way. i am grateful for the freedom i have even if it's not perfect. i've come so far. it's a God-given miracle.
happy eating! xo
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
the all potato diet
i'm on this kick and i need to share it 'cause it's soooooooooooo damn good.
baked potatoes with hummus. OMG.
bake your potato, cut it up, pour calorie-free spray butter all over it (don't be shy - there's nothing in it but toxic, cancer-causing chemicals) and then plop a few tablespoons of your favorite hummus on top with a little salt and pepper.
nom nom nom
it comes to about 200 calories and not a whole lot of fat. i think the key is the spray butter (i can't believe it's not butter or olivio) because potatoes are so dry. without it, your little meal won't be as good. if you use regular butter or margarine, then you're loading up the fat and cals. this totally beats french fries or using ranch dressing or whatever else. it's fucking delicious.
one at breakfast, one for lunch, and a sensible dinner. you're on your way to gettin that ass back in your pants.
happy eating! xo
baked potatoes with hummus. OMG.
bake your potato, cut it up, pour calorie-free spray butter all over it (don't be shy - there's nothing in it but toxic, cancer-causing chemicals) and then plop a few tablespoons of your favorite hummus on top with a little salt and pepper.
nom nom nom
it comes to about 200 calories and not a whole lot of fat. i think the key is the spray butter (i can't believe it's not butter or olivio) because potatoes are so dry. without it, your little meal won't be as good. if you use regular butter or margarine, then you're loading up the fat and cals. this totally beats french fries or using ranch dressing or whatever else. it's fucking delicious.
one at breakfast, one for lunch, and a sensible dinner. you're on your way to gettin that ass back in your pants.
happy eating! xo
Saturday, December 18, 2010
a million reasons to stuff my face
it's christmas time!
it's christmas eve!
it's christmas day!
it's christmas day leftovers.
it's new year's eve!
it's new year's day!
it's new year's day leftovers.
it's someone's birthday!
it's a wedding!
it's friday night!
it's saturday night!
it's a lousy, rainy monday.
it's a boring, slumpy wednesday.
it's a stressful day at work.
it's a lethargic lazy sunday.
i'm bored.
i'm tired and crabby.
i'm lonely.
i miss my husband.
i got in a fight with my husband.
i graduated!
i hate my job.
my boss is a dick.
i got a raise!
my car broke.
i'm broke.
it's a church potluck!
i'm breathing!
it's valentine's day!
it's easter!
it's the first memorial day picnic!
it's another summer picnic!
it's july 4th!
it's my birthday!
we're on vacation!
it's our anniversary!
it's labor day!
it's halloween!
it's halloween leftovers.
it's thanksgiving!
it's thanksgiving leftovers.
IT'S FUCKING CHRISTMAS TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so many excuses. so many "good" reasons. i find that almost every day i can come up with a reason to eat. God i wish i were normal. what would it be like if i were? if i just didn't care about food. the great obsession of every compulsive eater: to eat like normal people.
so what's that one good reason i don't?
when i'm in the food, it's all i got. i lose everything. my self-confidence. self-esteem. my sanity. my love of self. my love of others. my ability to be a blessing to others. my motivation and drive to really LIVE. my peace. ... my world shrinks and the only thing left is me and the food. such a lonely place. it's just not worth it today.
just for today, i'm not gonna eat. tomorrow is another day full of a whole new set of temptations and choices. but right at this moment, my resolve is high to be abstinent and just say no thank you.
happy eating! xo
it's christmas eve!
it's christmas day!
it's christmas day leftovers.
it's new year's eve!
it's new year's day!
it's new year's day leftovers.
it's someone's birthday!
it's a wedding!
it's friday night!
it's saturday night!
it's a lousy, rainy monday.
it's a boring, slumpy wednesday.
it's a stressful day at work.
it's a lethargic lazy sunday.
i'm bored.
i'm tired and crabby.
i'm lonely.
i miss my husband.
i got in a fight with my husband.
i graduated!
i hate my job.
my boss is a dick.
i got a raise!
my car broke.
i'm broke.
it's a church potluck!
i'm breathing!
it's valentine's day!
it's easter!
it's the first memorial day picnic!
it's another summer picnic!
it's july 4th!
it's my birthday!
we're on vacation!
it's our anniversary!
it's labor day!
it's halloween!
it's halloween leftovers.
it's thanksgiving!
it's thanksgiving leftovers.
IT'S FUCKING CHRISTMAS TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so many excuses. so many "good" reasons. i find that almost every day i can come up with a reason to eat. God i wish i were normal. what would it be like if i were? if i just didn't care about food. the great obsession of every compulsive eater: to eat like normal people.
so what's that one good reason i don't?
when i'm in the food, it's all i got. i lose everything. my self-confidence. self-esteem. my sanity. my love of self. my love of others. my ability to be a blessing to others. my motivation and drive to really LIVE. my peace. ... my world shrinks and the only thing left is me and the food. such a lonely place. it's just not worth it today.
just for today, i'm not gonna eat. tomorrow is another day full of a whole new set of temptations and choices. but right at this moment, my resolve is high to be abstinent and just say no thank you.
happy eating! xo
Thursday, December 16, 2010
tis the season to be a fat ass
it's so funny how it is with food. it's everywhere. imagine being a drug addict and walking into work every day to a smorgasbord of crack and heroine on the table in the breakroom. or a sex addict going to a work christmas party and the party is catered by fucking hustler magazine. no food, just porn. that's my life EVERY DAY. i walk into work and there's SHIT every where! OMG it makes me crazy and it's even worse now because it's christmas.
christmas is a time of giving, a time of joy, a time of being with one's family, AND A TIME OF BEING A FUCKING HUGE COW.
i'm a little pissed off. can ya tell?
it's just frustrating because food gives me warm fuzzys just like everyone else but everyone else can stop after a few bites. or even if everyone else can't stop after a few bites and they over indulge, they can at least stop the next day. they can have their fun and get back on the wagon whenever they want.
well i can't. i've tried. OMG have i tried. i have literally said to myself, "just eat these two cookies, tina. a normal person will eat two cookies and move on". and i absolutely cannot. there is no way around it. i am not normal. i feel like i say the same old shit in this blog but i need to remind myself all the time that i am not like other people. for whatever reason. who knows why, and who cares.
so back to the christmas issue................... cookies. fucking kill me now i love christmas cookies and i am telling myself every day that i can make my own enormous tin full of cookies and eat them all by myself, but just not today. i can eat them tomorrow. tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow....God help my poor soul.
christmas is a time of giving, a time of joy, a time of being with one's family, AND A TIME OF BEING A FUCKING HUGE COW.
i'm a little pissed off. can ya tell?
it's just frustrating because food gives me warm fuzzys just like everyone else but everyone else can stop after a few bites. or even if everyone else can't stop after a few bites and they over indulge, they can at least stop the next day. they can have their fun and get back on the wagon whenever they want.
well i can't. i've tried. OMG have i tried. i have literally said to myself, "just eat these two cookies, tina. a normal person will eat two cookies and move on". and i absolutely cannot. there is no way around it. i am not normal. i feel like i say the same old shit in this blog but i need to remind myself all the time that i am not like other people. for whatever reason. who knows why, and who cares.
so back to the christmas issue................... cookies. fucking kill me now i love christmas cookies and i am telling myself every day that i can make my own enormous tin full of cookies and eat them all by myself, but just not today. i can eat them tomorrow. tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow....God help my poor soul.
Monday, December 6, 2010
how the fuck did i get in prison AGAIN?
i feel like a hypocrite with this blog anymore...who am i to write about this shit? i'm not free at all. i'm so fucked it's not even funny. i mean, i guess i'm a little bit free. i have moments where i come out of the cage and walk around and enjoy the outside but then i inevitably go back in the creepy, ugly, dingy, depressing, lonely cage and it's hard to come out once i go back in.
if i'm not eating it (cage), i'm thinking about eating it (cage), and if i'm not thinking about eating it, i'm obsessing about my body and how imperfect it is (cage)...when i'm not obsessing about my body or eating or thinking about eating, i'm free (outside the cage) and that happens so rarely anymore.
maybe i need to clarify my goal because it changes all the time. would i feel more free from this madness if i knew what i wanted from my day? i tend to live in the following:
goal 1: sometimes i want to be super strict and really whip myself. like eat only carrots and plain oatmeal. and water.
goal 2: other times i want to stay on the wagon but maybe at least once that day i want to drag my face in the dirt while the wagon is moving. like for the most part eat carrots and oatmeal and water but also throw in some nice meal my mom made like turkey pot pie that sits all warm and cozy in my belly.
goal 3: and then there's the other times where i say fuck that wagon and i jump off and land so easily and conveniently at the wawa tasty cake section. because it can be just sooo fucking tiring to give a shit ALL THE TIME.
oh wow, how interesting...i just re-read this post to try and come to a conclusion (and look for spelling errors) and i realized something...i'm so focused on the food when it's not really about the food at all. how do i forget this? the food is a symptom of a deeper problem...where is my spiritual life? i am so self-centered, i can't see anything else. is there something i'm afraid to see?...hmmmm...food for thought...haha food for thought. get it? haha that's some funny shit.
happy eating! xo
if i'm not eating it (cage), i'm thinking about eating it (cage), and if i'm not thinking about eating it, i'm obsessing about my body and how imperfect it is (cage)...when i'm not obsessing about my body or eating or thinking about eating, i'm free (outside the cage) and that happens so rarely anymore.
maybe i need to clarify my goal because it changes all the time. would i feel more free from this madness if i knew what i wanted from my day? i tend to live in the following:
goal 1: sometimes i want to be super strict and really whip myself. like eat only carrots and plain oatmeal. and water.
goal 2: other times i want to stay on the wagon but maybe at least once that day i want to drag my face in the dirt while the wagon is moving. like for the most part eat carrots and oatmeal and water but also throw in some nice meal my mom made like turkey pot pie that sits all warm and cozy in my belly.
goal 3: and then there's the other times where i say fuck that wagon and i jump off and land so easily and conveniently at the wawa tasty cake section. because it can be just sooo fucking tiring to give a shit ALL THE TIME.
oh wow, how interesting...i just re-read this post to try and come to a conclusion (and look for spelling errors) and i realized something...i'm so focused on the food when it's not really about the food at all. how do i forget this? the food is a symptom of a deeper problem...where is my spiritual life? i am so self-centered, i can't see anything else. is there something i'm afraid to see?...hmmmm...food for thought...haha food for thought. get it? haha that's some funny shit.
happy eating! xo
Friday, December 3, 2010
where i'm at these days...
i've been struggling a lot, hence not posting at all. i don't like to post when i don't feel good about my food because i'm ashamed. but i think i'm starting to have a shift in thinking which may actually help me relax a little...
so i'm a true food addict and i will always struggle with it. that will never change. i am not normal, i can't have just one when it comes to sugar. sugar is like crack to me. there is no such thing as 1 cookie. no way in hell. BUT i've been realizing that maybe i don't have to be perfect and when my food gets a little messy, maybe i don't have to freak out. i have always freaked out in the past because i was so afraid of going back to who i was...the 230 pound person that wanted to die. i am realizing that i am a strong person and i am not a victim and i do have choices today just like everyone else. if i make a wrong choice about my food (just like everyone else on the planet) it doesn't have to be the end of the world.
the other cool thing is that i'm realizing that maybe i can just accept myself right where i am. who cares if i'm a size 6 instead of a 4? who cares if i'm not the skinniest person in the room? who cares if i have imperfections?
i think other people see me as a whole person and they just love me for who i am and i hope to see myself that way someday. what if i could see "tina". just tina...the whole picture...not tina with stretch marks. or tina with a little belly that sticks out after she eats. or tina with a puffy face in the morning. tina with too many freckles and beauty marks....what if i could look at tina and just see an amazing, beautiful, loving woman who is silly and funky and imperfect? it would be great if i could see just tina and not tina + everything that is "wrong" that needs to be fixed.
i kinda feel a little sad...sad that i waste so much time trying to make me be better. maybe i'm okay just the way i am...
XO
so i'm a true food addict and i will always struggle with it. that will never change. i am not normal, i can't have just one when it comes to sugar. sugar is like crack to me. there is no such thing as 1 cookie. no way in hell. BUT i've been realizing that maybe i don't have to be perfect and when my food gets a little messy, maybe i don't have to freak out. i have always freaked out in the past because i was so afraid of going back to who i was...the 230 pound person that wanted to die. i am realizing that i am a strong person and i am not a victim and i do have choices today just like everyone else. if i make a wrong choice about my food (just like everyone else on the planet) it doesn't have to be the end of the world.
the other cool thing is that i'm realizing that maybe i can just accept myself right where i am. who cares if i'm a size 6 instead of a 4? who cares if i'm not the skinniest person in the room? who cares if i have imperfections?
i think other people see me as a whole person and they just love me for who i am and i hope to see myself that way someday. what if i could see "tina". just tina...the whole picture...not tina with stretch marks. or tina with a little belly that sticks out after she eats. or tina with a puffy face in the morning. tina with too many freckles and beauty marks....what if i could look at tina and just see an amazing, beautiful, loving woman who is silly and funky and imperfect? it would be great if i could see just tina and not tina + everything that is "wrong" that needs to be fixed.
i kinda feel a little sad...sad that i waste so much time trying to make me be better. maybe i'm okay just the way i am...
XO
Sunday, November 14, 2010
simulating shit
i've found a few foods that help me look forward to my meals but i still stay healthy and "on the wagon"
butternut squash + sugar free ketchup = french fries
grilled tofu + spices of your choosing = cheese
egg nog tea + sweetener + milk = egg nog
oatbran + spray butter + sweetener and cinnamon = baked good
plain fage greek yogurt = eating sour cream by the spoonful
plain fage yogurt + strawberry polaner all fruit spread = icecream
coffee + fat free half and half + sweetener = dessert
canned pumpkin + egg whites and milk + cinnamon, sweetener, and sugar free maple syrup = pumpkin pie
these are just a few ideas. but i think the key is getting your head straight. if you're grumpy and pissy about having to eat healthy and get rid of the junk, you won't enjoy these foods. but if you're grateful and you realize that it's a choice to eat well and take care of yourself, you will look forward to these little perks.
happy eating! xo
butternut squash + sugar free ketchup = french fries
grilled tofu + spices of your choosing = cheese
egg nog tea + sweetener + milk = egg nog
oatbran + spray butter + sweetener and cinnamon = baked good
plain fage greek yogurt = eating sour cream by the spoonful
plain fage yogurt + strawberry polaner all fruit spread = icecream
coffee + fat free half and half + sweetener = dessert
canned pumpkin + egg whites and milk + cinnamon, sweetener, and sugar free maple syrup = pumpkin pie
these are just a few ideas. but i think the key is getting your head straight. if you're grumpy and pissy about having to eat healthy and get rid of the junk, you won't enjoy these foods. but if you're grateful and you realize that it's a choice to eat well and take care of yourself, you will look forward to these little perks.
happy eating! xo
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
halloween, thanksgiving, christmas, and every day in between
this time of year is so hard. each holiday brings special, traditional foods that i always looked forward to.
halloween: reeses peanut butter cups, every type of candy created by man
thanksgiving: warm biscuits, pumpkin spice lattes, apple pie with ice cream, ginger snaps
christmas: egg nog, egg nog, egg nog, egg nog, lox and bagels, cranberry muffins, christmas cookies, glazed ham, chocolate
ok so now that i've tortured myself... actually it's kind of freeing to just get it out there. this is all the shit that makes me CRAAAAAAZZZZY. once i start, i can't stop and when i can't stop, i turn into a lunatic. so the goal is to get through all these holidays and every day in between without picking up the shit that makes me fat and crazy. if i don't ever start the ball rolling, i won't go plumeting downhill to sure and certain death.
halloween: check.
thanksgiving: on deck.
happy eating! xo
halloween: reeses peanut butter cups, every type of candy created by man
thanksgiving: warm biscuits, pumpkin spice lattes, apple pie with ice cream, ginger snaps
christmas: egg nog, egg nog, egg nog, egg nog, lox and bagels, cranberry muffins, christmas cookies, glazed ham, chocolate
ok so now that i've tortured myself... actually it's kind of freeing to just get it out there. this is all the shit that makes me CRAAAAAAZZZZY. once i start, i can't stop and when i can't stop, i turn into a lunatic. so the goal is to get through all these holidays and every day in between without picking up the shit that makes me fat and crazy. if i don't ever start the ball rolling, i won't go plumeting downhill to sure and certain death.
halloween: check.
thanksgiving: on deck.
happy eating! xo
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
back in the madness
this food thing has me wooped. i can't say no anymore. it has such power over me. i swore yesterday that i was gonna be abstinent. i packed my food and had a plan and by 2:30pm i was eating cookies.
"what's the big deal? it's not heroine." someone said to me.
"maybe you should give yourself a free day each week. this happens because you deprive yourself." someone else said to me.
fuck that shit, you totally don't get it. once i start, i can't stop. sometimes i just want someone to say "dude, i totally get it. this must be hard and i can see why you're freaking out."
food is my drug. i use it for EVERYTHING. can i get through this day by turning to God instead of food? i need a miracle.
happy eating! XO
"what's the big deal? it's not heroine." someone said to me.
"maybe you should give yourself a free day each week. this happens because you deprive yourself." someone else said to me.
fuck that shit, you totally don't get it. once i start, i can't stop. sometimes i just want someone to say "dude, i totally get it. this must be hard and i can see why you're freaking out."
food is my drug. i use it for EVERYTHING. can i get through this day by turning to God instead of food? i need a miracle.
happy eating! XO
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
4 pounds heavier and stronger than ever
gag. i know i'm gaining muscle but COME ON!!!!!!!!!! i wanted to do p90x and SLIM DOWN. damnit damnit damnit. seriously, i wish i were a dude. i feel like guys don't get all jacked up about the numbers. maybe they do about how much they bench press but not how much they weigh.
ok so halfway through p90x and i've ganined 4 pounds and my clothes fit the same. i can see some minor differences but i'm still not ripped.
AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i've also gotten 2 more sponsors since my last one that had to let me go and it's really tough. they all have a different way of doing things and they all think i should be eating different things. it is very scary to me and frustrating.
so i kinda suck right now. but it's okay to suck sometimes, right?
happy eating! xo
ok so halfway through p90x and i've ganined 4 pounds and my clothes fit the same. i can see some minor differences but i'm still not ripped.
AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i've also gotten 2 more sponsors since my last one that had to let me go and it's really tough. they all have a different way of doing things and they all think i should be eating different things. it is very scary to me and frustrating.
so i kinda suck right now. but it's okay to suck sometimes, right?
happy eating! xo
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
alone in the abyss
i'm swimmin in the great ocean with a school of fish but i'm sort of in the back ready to get swept away and scarfed down by an enormous shark.
that's how i feel since i lost my sponsor. it's amazing how quickly shit can go down. one minute i got someone to be accountable to and the next minute - not so much. and now i'm playing with the following thoughts:
1. screw it. let's eat!
2. haha i'm not going to meetings for a whole week!
3. woohoo! i'm not writing every day for 15 minutes!!
4. yeehaaaa! no outreach calls to strange people i don't really like!
5. hmm...i think i can have a little extra protein....maybe another grain or two...OR MAYBE I CAN JUST EAT A WHOLE TUB OF BEN AND JERRY'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's so annoying. my food addiction is like that shark stalking me from behind - ready to grab me when i fall behind just a little.
i need to find a new sponsor and continue doing what i know works, but damnit, i don't want to. i find it to be very very difficult to begin working with a new person. it's painful and uncomfortable. but if i don't work the steps, my next binge is inevitable.
staying in the moment...working it one minute at a time.
happy eating! xo
that's how i feel since i lost my sponsor. it's amazing how quickly shit can go down. one minute i got someone to be accountable to and the next minute - not so much. and now i'm playing with the following thoughts:
1. screw it. let's eat!
2. haha i'm not going to meetings for a whole week!
3. woohoo! i'm not writing every day for 15 minutes!!
4. yeehaaaa! no outreach calls to strange people i don't really like!
5. hmm...i think i can have a little extra protein....maybe another grain or two...OR MAYBE I CAN JUST EAT A WHOLE TUB OF BEN AND JERRY'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's so annoying. my food addiction is like that shark stalking me from behind - ready to grab me when i fall behind just a little.
i need to find a new sponsor and continue doing what i know works, but damnit, i don't want to. i find it to be very very difficult to begin working with a new person. it's painful and uncomfortable. but if i don't work the steps, my next binge is inevitable.
staying in the moment...working it one minute at a time.
happy eating! xo
Sunday, September 26, 2010
rebellion and willfulness only brings disappointment
i weighed in today. 145. um. wow. kinda pissed off right now. i started back into abstinence at 145. started p90x at 142...
i am experiencing rage.
perhaps you're thinking... "oh, tina, stop it! you're beautiful!" or "everybody's weight fluctuates" or "you're gaining muscle"
F---k that, man!!! F---K THAT!!!
all i know is i have been working my ASS off and this is extremely frustrating. so i tried on a pair of tight pants that i can only wear on really "good" days...like when i'm not menstruating and it's not humid etc and i can hardly button them and i feel like a stuffed sausage. so that's how i know that something is wrong. i know you can't go by the scale, you have to go by your clothes and so this is real, hard evidence.
OMG i'm so angry, i can't even make this post humorous.
ok so what am i gonna do about it? what kinds of things have i been doing that are hindering my progress??
1. i do not always weigh and measure with care. i continue to want to "eyeball" my food and i always eyeball BIG.
2. i make poor food choices. i eat a lot of cheese instead of lean meat like fish or chicken. i eat mayo and ranch dressing instead of olive oil.
3. i eat a lot of salt on my veggies. i need to ween myself off a little...i really tend to go overboard.
so can i make those slight adjustments today? absolutely. i have become willing to because i only hurt myself when i don't follow directions and when i make a decision based off of angry, self-pity ridden feelings (i.e. "i've given up so much already, i deserve to eat extra salt, a little extra fat, and cheese instead of chicken".
here we go. happy eating. xo
i am experiencing rage.
perhaps you're thinking... "oh, tina, stop it! you're beautiful!" or "everybody's weight fluctuates" or "you're gaining muscle"
F---k that, man!!! F---K THAT!!!
all i know is i have been working my ASS off and this is extremely frustrating. so i tried on a pair of tight pants that i can only wear on really "good" days...like when i'm not menstruating and it's not humid etc and i can hardly button them and i feel like a stuffed sausage. so that's how i know that something is wrong. i know you can't go by the scale, you have to go by your clothes and so this is real, hard evidence.
OMG i'm so angry, i can't even make this post humorous.
ok so what am i gonna do about it? what kinds of things have i been doing that are hindering my progress??
1. i do not always weigh and measure with care. i continue to want to "eyeball" my food and i always eyeball BIG.
2. i make poor food choices. i eat a lot of cheese instead of lean meat like fish or chicken. i eat mayo and ranch dressing instead of olive oil.
3. i eat a lot of salt on my veggies. i need to ween myself off a little...i really tend to go overboard.
so can i make those slight adjustments today? absolutely. i have become willing to because i only hurt myself when i don't follow directions and when i make a decision based off of angry, self-pity ridden feelings (i.e. "i've given up so much already, i deserve to eat extra salt, a little extra fat, and cheese instead of chicken".
here we go. happy eating. xo
Monday, September 20, 2010
30 days is the landmark anniversary in any recovery group
i've been on the wagon for 30 days. i don't remember the last time i got that many days together. for real! i'd always lose it after 2-3 weeks...then for a while, it got really bad and i was screwing around with my food every few days! yikes! little slips always turned into binges...
so here i am. one whole month in the bag. how do i feel?
um....i feel nothing. i feel like the last 29 days is irrelevant and i have to focus on my recovery today. today is a new day with new challenges and my abstinence is not guaranteed today - not at all! i could easily stray from what i know works.
so here's to a brand new day - just like day 1.
happy eating! xo
so here i am. one whole month in the bag. how do i feel?
um....i feel nothing. i feel like the last 29 days is irrelevant and i have to focus on my recovery today. today is a new day with new challenges and my abstinence is not guaranteed today - not at all! i could easily stray from what i know works.
so here's to a brand new day - just like day 1.
happy eating! xo
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
workin hard and gettin fat. fabulous.
i weighed in this morning after 3 weeks of abstinence and 2 weeks of p90x and i gained a half a pound...even gained back the 2 that i lost. hmmm........
so upset. pissed off. frustrated. confused. in agony. sad. disappointed.
why why why why why? because muscle weighs more than fat? NO IT DOESN'T!! it makes no sense whatsoever that i'd be turning fat into muscle and gaining weight. how does that make sense? if i were eating more, yes but i'm not! if i were eating more and working out the way i am, i could gain weight and still look good with all that muscle tone. but that's not what's happening here. i'm eatin less and working out more so i should be losing weight while gaining muscle therefore my weight should drop. maybe not significantly but a little!! DAMN!
so what is the solution to this madness? stop everything and binge my face off?? probably not. that was my first thought though. i suppose the solution is to keep doing what i'm doing. not being abstinent is not an option and although i don't HAVE to do the p90x challenge, i really want to. so......i guess i just keep going.
my food plan for today:
3 tbsp oatbran, 1/2 cup milk, 1.5oz cheese, banana
1oz cheese, apple
3.5oz eggs, 1/4 cup miik, 1 pc bread, 1 tsp mayo, 1 tbsp mustard, 2 cups cauli
1oz cheese, banana
7oz yogurt, 1/4 cup milk, 1/4 cup oatmeal, 16oz squash, 2 tbsp mayo
happy eating! xo
so upset. pissed off. frustrated. confused. in agony. sad. disappointed.
why why why why why? because muscle weighs more than fat? NO IT DOESN'T!! it makes no sense whatsoever that i'd be turning fat into muscle and gaining weight. how does that make sense? if i were eating more, yes but i'm not! if i were eating more and working out the way i am, i could gain weight and still look good with all that muscle tone. but that's not what's happening here. i'm eatin less and working out more so i should be losing weight while gaining muscle therefore my weight should drop. maybe not significantly but a little!! DAMN!
so what is the solution to this madness? stop everything and binge my face off?? probably not. that was my first thought though. i suppose the solution is to keep doing what i'm doing. not being abstinent is not an option and although i don't HAVE to do the p90x challenge, i really want to. so......i guess i just keep going.
my food plan for today:
3 tbsp oatbran, 1/2 cup milk, 1.5oz cheese, banana
1oz cheese, apple
3.5oz eggs, 1/4 cup miik, 1 pc bread, 1 tsp mayo, 1 tbsp mustard, 2 cups cauli
1oz cheese, banana
7oz yogurt, 1/4 cup milk, 1/4 cup oatmeal, 16oz squash, 2 tbsp mayo
happy eating! xo
Sunday, September 12, 2010
big changes, man, big changes!!
so i had this awesome sponsor who made me work really hard for my recovery. i was doin the deal for real! well she just went out and ate...she's back in the food and so i'm sponsorless once again...sad sad sad. what was my first thought when she told me?
"well, screw this! i'm eating too!"
amazing isn't it? what's her eating got to do with my eating? NOTHING. but since i lost her three days ago, i've been really struggling. one of the things she had me do is give up artificial sweeteners and yesterday i decided to put splenda in my coffee and my oatmeal. i also decided i didn't have to go to my meetings AND i didn't have to talk to my 3 live people a day....
and you know what? it doesn't feel good. my coffee and oatmeal didn't taste any better and actually it tasted like shit, i feel lonely because i'm not talking to my people, and i am thinking about eating more than i have been for a few weeks now.
so today i'm getting back on the program wagon where it's safe. i didn't lose my abstinence but i am only hurting myself by not doing the things that work and are healthy for me.
i am drinking my morning coffee right now without sweetener and i actually like it better. what a miracle!!
today's food:
3 tbsp oatbran, 1 cup milk, 2oz egg whites, apple
1 cup mushroom and onion, 1 cup acorn squash, 2oz cheese, 1 pc bread
4oz turkey pepperoni, 16oz butternut squash, 2 tbsp mayo, 2 tbsp sugar-free ketchup, 1/2 cup quinoa
happy eating!! xo
"well, screw this! i'm eating too!"
amazing isn't it? what's her eating got to do with my eating? NOTHING. but since i lost her three days ago, i've been really struggling. one of the things she had me do is give up artificial sweeteners and yesterday i decided to put splenda in my coffee and my oatmeal. i also decided i didn't have to go to my meetings AND i didn't have to talk to my 3 live people a day....
and you know what? it doesn't feel good. my coffee and oatmeal didn't taste any better and actually it tasted like shit, i feel lonely because i'm not talking to my people, and i am thinking about eating more than i have been for a few weeks now.
so today i'm getting back on the program wagon where it's safe. i didn't lose my abstinence but i am only hurting myself by not doing the things that work and are healthy for me.
i am drinking my morning coffee right now without sweetener and i actually like it better. what a miracle!!
today's food:
3 tbsp oatbran, 1 cup milk, 2oz egg whites, apple
1 cup mushroom and onion, 1 cup acorn squash, 2oz cheese, 1 pc bread
4oz turkey pepperoni, 16oz butternut squash, 2 tbsp mayo, 2 tbsp sugar-free ketchup, 1/2 cup quinoa
happy eating!! xo
Friday, September 10, 2010
an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face
so i have the biggest little belly you've ever never seen. no one knows about it. it's a big secret. i am the MASTER at hiding it and sucking it in. oh, there are a few people who i have shown my "food belly" to but even they haven't seen the full extent of my fat belly capabilities.
i am on week two of the p90x challenge and i'm not seeing any results. am i a lunatic for wanting to see results already?? i think maybe. it's just hard because i am working really really really really hard and getting up every morning at 5:30am and i still have this little belly. it makes me crazy. genetics are a bitch.
but i'm not giving up. if jillian michaels can work really hard and look as good as jillian michaels, then so can i, damnit!!!!!! i'm gonna keep on goin and see what happens. i mean, why not? what do i have to lose except this little poochy fat thing around my waist!
happy eating! xo
i am on week two of the p90x challenge and i'm not seeing any results. am i a lunatic for wanting to see results already?? i think maybe. it's just hard because i am working really really really really hard and getting up every morning at 5:30am and i still have this little belly. it makes me crazy. genetics are a bitch.
but i'm not giving up. if jillian michaels can work really hard and look as good as jillian michaels, then so can i, damnit!!!!!! i'm gonna keep on goin and see what happens. i mean, why not? what do i have to lose except this little poochy fat thing around my waist!
happy eating! xo
Sunday, September 5, 2010
eating sugar or flour is like giving a seagull a cracker
my mom went to the olive garden last night and got my all time FAV dish - crab alfredo. OMG. so good. so her leftovers are in the fridge and boy do they look yummy. i had a thought go through my head "i want to go to the olive garden tomorrow to celebrate labor day and get whatever i want and then i'll just get right back on my food plan"....
wow, tina. that sounds like a great idea. ASS!
if i go to the olive garden tomorrow, it will just set me off and running. i'll eat until i want to throw up and then the next day it will be virtually impossible to start my food plan all over again. that's just the way it is for me. once i start, i lose the freedom of choice and i cannot stop.
today i have a choice and i'm choosing to not stray from my food plan just for today. maybe i can get crab alfredo someday. but not today.
happy eating! xo
wow, tina. that sounds like a great idea. ASS!
if i go to the olive garden tomorrow, it will just set me off and running. i'll eat until i want to throw up and then the next day it will be virtually impossible to start my food plan all over again. that's just the way it is for me. once i start, i lose the freedom of choice and i cannot stop.
today i have a choice and i'm choosing to not stray from my food plan just for today. maybe i can get crab alfredo someday. but not today.
happy eating! xo
a noticable difference
i'm stoked. went to work yesterday and my coworkers commented that i looked slim. they said my waist looked tight and slender......
YEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
all i got to say is fuck yeah, bitches!!! i've been on the wagon with my food and i feel great. and to make matters even better, i've been doing the P90X extreme home finess program. week 1 is in the bag and i'm goin for the 90 day challenge.
the coolest thing is having more energy, being excited to wake up, feeling powerful and sexy, loving being in my clothes, having a clean heart that's ready to give and recieve all the good stuff, and feeling joy all the time even when shit's hard.
and i want to remind myself that abstinence from compulsive eating makes me feel this good. not just working out like a crazed lunatic. when my food is clean, i am free to live my life and enjoy it.
food for today:
3 tbsp oatbran, 1 tsp butter, banana, 1/2 cup milk, 1.5 oz cheese
1oz cheese, apple
2 cups broccoli, 3.5oz eggs, 1/4 cup milk, 1 tsp mayo, 1 tbsp mustard, 1 pc bread
1oz cheese, apple
16oz squash, 2 tbsp dressing, 1 tsp butter, 4oz potato, 4oz chicken
happy eating! xo
YEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
all i got to say is fuck yeah, bitches!!! i've been on the wagon with my food and i feel great. and to make matters even better, i've been doing the P90X extreme home finess program. week 1 is in the bag and i'm goin for the 90 day challenge.
the coolest thing is having more energy, being excited to wake up, feeling powerful and sexy, loving being in my clothes, having a clean heart that's ready to give and recieve all the good stuff, and feeling joy all the time even when shit's hard.
and i want to remind myself that abstinence from compulsive eating makes me feel this good. not just working out like a crazed lunatic. when my food is clean, i am free to live my life and enjoy it.
food for today:
3 tbsp oatbran, 1 tsp butter, banana, 1/2 cup milk, 1.5 oz cheese
1oz cheese, apple
2 cups broccoli, 3.5oz eggs, 1/4 cup milk, 1 tsp mayo, 1 tbsp mustard, 1 pc bread
1oz cheese, apple
16oz squash, 2 tbsp dressing, 1 tsp butter, 4oz potato, 4oz chicken
happy eating! xo
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
i hate the cookie monster
hardest thing i've ever done - well, aside from my first year of marriage haha - doing life without my drug...
giving up alcohol was quite the adjustment but i got used to a life without it and now i don't miss it. but this food thing - OMG. every day is a struggle. every day i want more food. every day i think about it. every day i have to work really hard to fight this monster that lives inside me. it's the cookie monster, man! for real! think about that blue guy - eating those cookies the way he does. flinging that shit every where. all he thinks about is cookies. he lives for them. needs them. that's me to a T. so every day i walk around with the cookie monster inside of me trying to keep him hidden and asleep.
i was talking to a good friend yesterday about my hatred of vegetables and i was sort of joking when i said "eating vegetables goes against everything i'm made for. i'm wired to eat doughnuts not cauliflower!" i was kind of joking and just making a point but you know what, there is some truth in that. i am a food addict and i've been active in my addiction for the duration of my life. now i'm resisting this mother fucking thing and it's like swimming upstream.
i am grateful for the 12 steps, my support network and for God who help me heal and get well one day at a time. today is day 10.
happy eating! xo
giving up alcohol was quite the adjustment but i got used to a life without it and now i don't miss it. but this food thing - OMG. every day is a struggle. every day i want more food. every day i think about it. every day i have to work really hard to fight this monster that lives inside me. it's the cookie monster, man! for real! think about that blue guy - eating those cookies the way he does. flinging that shit every where. all he thinks about is cookies. he lives for them. needs them. that's me to a T. so every day i walk around with the cookie monster inside of me trying to keep him hidden and asleep.
i was talking to a good friend yesterday about my hatred of vegetables and i was sort of joking when i said "eating vegetables goes against everything i'm made for. i'm wired to eat doughnuts not cauliflower!" i was kind of joking and just making a point but you know what, there is some truth in that. i am a food addict and i've been active in my addiction for the duration of my life. now i'm resisting this mother fucking thing and it's like swimming upstream.
i am grateful for the 12 steps, my support network and for God who help me heal and get well one day at a time. today is day 10.
happy eating! xo
Sunday, August 29, 2010
day 7 and moving forward
here it is. day 7. i've had a million day sevens. but this time i'm actually doing something differently.
repentance literally means turning around and going in the opposite direction. so if something isn't working but you keeping doing the same shit, what's that called? INSANITY. i've been insane for a while now with food and it hasn't really shown on the ouside. unless you are intuitive and have noticed that i'm in a bad mood ALL THE TIME, you really wouldn't know that i've been a wreck. i wonder how many other people out there are a wreck but nobody notices....hmm....
it's not just about the weight. i gained 9 pounds back. not the end of the world. but what about waking up every day with a sense of dread? being a bitchy wife? never wanting to be touched because i feel like a cow? hating everyone i interact with because really, i hate myself? wanting to hide in bed all day and doing so unless absolutely necessary to leave? or NOT hiding in bed all day and going through the motions of life but not enjoying it at all? that's even worse!!!
so that's where i was but not where i'm going. today is day 7 of not only being on the wagon, but it's day 7 of my new life - my life being committed to spiritual principles again, being an active, live member of my family, salon, and school and being of service to God and my fellows. how 'bout it? let's see where this road takes me. this new road to freedom.
happy eating! xo
repentance literally means turning around and going in the opposite direction. so if something isn't working but you keeping doing the same shit, what's that called? INSANITY. i've been insane for a while now with food and it hasn't really shown on the ouside. unless you are intuitive and have noticed that i'm in a bad mood ALL THE TIME, you really wouldn't know that i've been a wreck. i wonder how many other people out there are a wreck but nobody notices....hmm....
it's not just about the weight. i gained 9 pounds back. not the end of the world. but what about waking up every day with a sense of dread? being a bitchy wife? never wanting to be touched because i feel like a cow? hating everyone i interact with because really, i hate myself? wanting to hide in bed all day and doing so unless absolutely necessary to leave? or NOT hiding in bed all day and going through the motions of life but not enjoying it at all? that's even worse!!!
so that's where i was but not where i'm going. today is day 7 of not only being on the wagon, but it's day 7 of my new life - my life being committed to spiritual principles again, being an active, live member of my family, salon, and school and being of service to God and my fellows. how 'bout it? let's see where this road takes me. this new road to freedom.
happy eating! xo
Friday, August 27, 2010
i'm on the boat. my boat is red. what color is yours?
up until like, what?...4 days ago? i can't remember...i was drowning. people were throwing me lifesavers but i'd only hold on for a little until i thought i could swim on my own again. so finally i got tired of keeping myself just above water and decided to hop in the first boat i saw. the boat was red. and it's probably the safest boat i've ever been in.
my red boat looks like this:
1. no sugar or flour ever. no matter what.
2. work a full 12-step program
3. call people in my group every day. at least 3. and it only counts if i reach someone.
4. write for 15 minutes a day. every day.
5. give up artificial sweeteners completely. weigh and measure everything. no matter what.
6. if i want to eat something not on my plan, i have to call the captain of the ship (my sponsor) or she'll kick me out of the boat and make me find a new one.
7. i have to commit my food and talk to my sponsor daily.
8. experience true freedom and sanity and happiness and actually like being alive
this seems like a really fucking intense boat right? well here are some other boats i've been in...
purple boat: do whatever i want and gain all the weight back that i've lost and want to kill myself
green boat: work a half-ass program and gain some of my weight back AND become an insane crazy lunatic and lose my relationship with God and become a horrible wife, daughter, coworker, employee, friend, sister, and hate waking up in the morning and feel a sense of dread every day.
i like the red boat the best. i have to work really hard but it's what i gotta do to stay sane, happy, joyous, and free.
happy eating! xo
my red boat looks like this:
1. no sugar or flour ever. no matter what.
2. work a full 12-step program
3. call people in my group every day. at least 3. and it only counts if i reach someone.
4. write for 15 minutes a day. every day.
5. give up artificial sweeteners completely. weigh and measure everything. no matter what.
6. if i want to eat something not on my plan, i have to call the captain of the ship (my sponsor) or she'll kick me out of the boat and make me find a new one.
7. i have to commit my food and talk to my sponsor daily.
8. experience true freedom and sanity and happiness and actually like being alive
this seems like a really fucking intense boat right? well here are some other boats i've been in...
purple boat: do whatever i want and gain all the weight back that i've lost and want to kill myself
green boat: work a half-ass program and gain some of my weight back AND become an insane crazy lunatic and lose my relationship with God and become a horrible wife, daughter, coworker, employee, friend, sister, and hate waking up in the morning and feel a sense of dread every day.
i like the red boat the best. i have to work really hard but it's what i gotta do to stay sane, happy, joyous, and free.
happy eating! xo
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
i might not die of cancer afterall
my new sponsor says no artificial sweeteners. not even stevia. nothing in my coffee. no soda. no diet tea. no sugar-free condiments. nothing in my oatmeal. no gum.
hmm...you'd think i'd want to kill myself but i'm actually excited. why? because i need these boundaries or i will always lean toward hurting myself. i lack the ability to say no to things that give me pleasure. artificial sweeteners give me a little jolt. i look forward to them. i mean let's be honest - it's just like sugar. the only difference is it's chemicals so i get a little sugar jolt AND i get to die of cancer. so i'm kinda stoked that someone else out there cares more about my health than i do.
so i'm sippin my coffee right now with nothing in it. kinda wanna throw up. BUT i know i will get used to it. my taste buds will adjust and i will learn to like it. i officially start my new food plan today that my new sponsor tailored toward me. praise the good Lord in heaven that i don't have to start over with the 30 day detox. here's my plan for today:
breakfast: 3 tbsp oatbran, banana, 1 cup milk/1 oz cheese, 1 tsp butter
snack: 1oz cheese, 1 apple
lunch: 4oz turkey, 1 pc bread, 1 tsp mayo, 2 cups broccoli
snack: 1pc bread, 1oz cheese, mustard
dinner: 4oz eggs, 1 tsp mayo, 2 tbsp dressing, 2 cups cauli, 1 pc bread
happy eating! xo
hmm...you'd think i'd want to kill myself but i'm actually excited. why? because i need these boundaries or i will always lean toward hurting myself. i lack the ability to say no to things that give me pleasure. artificial sweeteners give me a little jolt. i look forward to them. i mean let's be honest - it's just like sugar. the only difference is it's chemicals so i get a little sugar jolt AND i get to die of cancer. so i'm kinda stoked that someone else out there cares more about my health than i do.
so i'm sippin my coffee right now with nothing in it. kinda wanna throw up. BUT i know i will get used to it. my taste buds will adjust and i will learn to like it. i officially start my new food plan today that my new sponsor tailored toward me. praise the good Lord in heaven that i don't have to start over with the 30 day detox. here's my plan for today:
breakfast: 3 tbsp oatbran, banana, 1 cup milk/1 oz cheese, 1 tsp butter
snack: 1oz cheese, 1 apple
lunch: 4oz turkey, 1 pc bread, 1 tsp mayo, 2 cups broccoli
snack: 1pc bread, 1oz cheese, mustard
dinner: 4oz eggs, 1 tsp mayo, 2 tbsp dressing, 2 cups cauli, 1 pc bread
happy eating! xo
Monday, August 23, 2010
on planet tina, 2 tbsp is really 1/4 cup. so i've decided to move.
i weigh and measure my food. if you know me, you know this. i do it because i have to. not because i'm some diet saint or because i like it. if i don't do it, my head spins and i start thinking about more more more. it sounds crazy but weighing and measuring my food is not a straight jacket for me. it is the key to my freedom.
i weigh 144.5 today. about 2 weeks ago, i was 139. you might think "that's normal! everybody's weight fluctuates!" but i'm hear to tell you, it's not normal for me. i consistently put these 5 pounds back on because i weigh and measure MY WAY. a heaping tablespoon is always in order in my house. eyeballing my food never works because i always eyeball BIG. not to mention the binges. i can seriously HOUSE some food. i can easily take in about 5,000 calories in one day without blinking an eye.
so. i got myself a sponsor again and i will call her to committ my food in 45 minutes. i am afraid. i am so used to doing this program MY WAY...when i want, how i want and i'm prepared to do whatever she says. it makes me sick with anxiety.
but i must do this because i am not free. do you know what it's like to taste freedom? freedom to really LIVE? to enjoy life? to be excited about the littlest things? praising God for the cool breeze? loving the most annoying people? having amazing patience and grace to give others? have you ever had that? i've tasted it and lost it. and i want it back.
i'm not making any big promises. all i'm saying is that in 45 minutes, i'm gonna call my new sponsor and committ my food. and i'm gonna stay in this day and only do what's right in front of my face.
happy eating! xo
i weigh 144.5 today. about 2 weeks ago, i was 139. you might think "that's normal! everybody's weight fluctuates!" but i'm hear to tell you, it's not normal for me. i consistently put these 5 pounds back on because i weigh and measure MY WAY. a heaping tablespoon is always in order in my house. eyeballing my food never works because i always eyeball BIG. not to mention the binges. i can seriously HOUSE some food. i can easily take in about 5,000 calories in one day without blinking an eye.
so. i got myself a sponsor again and i will call her to committ my food in 45 minutes. i am afraid. i am so used to doing this program MY WAY...when i want, how i want and i'm prepared to do whatever she says. it makes me sick with anxiety.
but i must do this because i am not free. do you know what it's like to taste freedom? freedom to really LIVE? to enjoy life? to be excited about the littlest things? praising God for the cool breeze? loving the most annoying people? having amazing patience and grace to give others? have you ever had that? i've tasted it and lost it. and i want it back.
i'm not making any big promises. all i'm saying is that in 45 minutes, i'm gonna call my new sponsor and committ my food. and i'm gonna stay in this day and only do what's right in front of my face.
happy eating! xo
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
fat head is almost worse than actually being fat...or NOT
i don't know what i look like. it's a shame. supposedly i'm decent looking. i know this because every time i go to wawa, men stumble over the food displays just to get a glimpse. now, i'm not being a cocky bitch...this is my life. it's kinda creepy and annoying but my mom says to enjoy it because when i'm 59, no one will even notice me...unless i dress like a skanky middle-aged woman and walk around with my wrinkled tits hanging out...BTW, which is better? being a skanky 60 year old or being a 60 year old who wears winnie the pooh sweatshirts with a turtle neck underneath??
moving on...
so i have fat head. when i look in the mirror, i see fat. not that my head is fat but that i am still enormous!! i wish i could leave my body and watch myself walk down the street. i wonder what i'd see?? it's frustrating because i have worked really hard to get where i am and i still don't realize WHO i am and what i'm capable of.
i think i've talked about this before. sorry if i'm being redundant, but this is my life. i am never satisfied. i am rarely content with myself. but i will step back and look at the big picture...i've lost approximately 100 pounds. i enjoy being creative with my style and i like waking up in the morning. i feel good. i am healthy. i have goals and i meet them. i have dreams and i strive for them. i'm nowhere near where i want to be, but i'm pretty damn proud of myself.
happy eating! xo
moving on...
so i have fat head. when i look in the mirror, i see fat. not that my head is fat but that i am still enormous!! i wish i could leave my body and watch myself walk down the street. i wonder what i'd see?? it's frustrating because i have worked really hard to get where i am and i still don't realize WHO i am and what i'm capable of.
i think i've talked about this before. sorry if i'm being redundant, but this is my life. i am never satisfied. i am rarely content with myself. but i will step back and look at the big picture...i've lost approximately 100 pounds. i enjoy being creative with my style and i like waking up in the morning. i feel good. i am healthy. i have goals and i meet them. i have dreams and i strive for them. i'm nowhere near where i want to be, but i'm pretty damn proud of myself.
happy eating! xo
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
grains, grains, are good for your heart...they make you fart?
this detox shit has got to go. 4 days left until my triathalon and i'm sooooo over it. today i added a grain to fuel my workout and then i ate one afterward to help my body recover.
and now i feel fat.
this is maddening sometimes. either i feel like a cow or i'm starving to death. how can i find balance?
happy eating! xo
and now i feel fat.
this is maddening sometimes. either i feel like a cow or i'm starving to death. how can i find balance?
happy eating! xo
Friday, August 6, 2010
muffin tops and camel toe are AWESOME.
have you ever seen a woman with a little extra fun around the middle and in order to make her pants NOT accentuate the flab, she hikes her pants up as high as she can totally introducing us all to her fabulous camel toe? yes, i have seen it and i'm gonna tell you a little secret....it potentially could happen to me. yes, i could be one of those women and it scares me half to death.
i envy women who have itty bitty waste lines and large apple bottoms...you will always look good in your clothes no matter what. the shape is sexy and attractive. but someone like me?!!? when i gain weight, i get it right around the middle and my ass stays tiny so i look like a walking ball on stilts. can you picture it? a large ball....on stilts...walking....yes.
today is great. i am wearing my low rise jeans right where they're supposed to be and they don't have to be cranked up my hoo-ha in order to look good. one more reason to stick to my food plan.
happy eating! xo
i envy women who have itty bitty waste lines and large apple bottoms...you will always look good in your clothes no matter what. the shape is sexy and attractive. but someone like me?!!? when i gain weight, i get it right around the middle and my ass stays tiny so i look like a walking ball on stilts. can you picture it? a large ball....on stilts...walking....yes.
today is great. i am wearing my low rise jeans right where they're supposed to be and they don't have to be cranked up my hoo-ha in order to look good. one more reason to stick to my food plan.
happy eating! xo
Thursday, August 5, 2010
like a punch in the face
it just hit me tonight. i feel a little obsessive about getting some food in me. i want crackers or bread or potatoes or something...but it really just hit me, and i want to record it, one piece of bread isn't gonna make a difference. 1 grain at each meal isn't gonna fix this. my hunger goes deeper. i want three loaves of bread not 3 slices!! i could totally "give in" and eat more food but it's not gonna do me any good. i need to learn to live my life and NOT fill my belly every time i feel the need!!!
i feel like i don't make sense. i need to go to bed. but i don't want to forget this...i'll rewrite it tomorrow.
i feel like i don't make sense. i need to go to bed. but i don't want to forget this...i'll rewrite it tomorrow.
i have the coolest pants. and i'm wearing them.
i have this pair of pants from express...actually, i have a few pairs from express that i LOVE LOVE LOVE. they are a size 4 and they require no bull shit. you can't have your period and wear these bitches. so i'm wearing them right now and they fit.
i feel fabulously beautiful.
today is day 11 of my detox and i kinda wanna jump off a bridge a little. just a little. my body is drained and tired and i feel like a smoked a little something...but i didn't. so i'm just gonna stay in the day and do another one no matter how shitty i feel. i will reach my goal. i WILL reach my goal!
happy eating! xo
i feel fabulously beautiful.
today is day 11 of my detox and i kinda wanna jump off a bridge a little. just a little. my body is drained and tired and i feel like a smoked a little something...but i didn't. so i'm just gonna stay in the day and do another one no matter how shitty i feel. i will reach my goal. i WILL reach my goal!
happy eating! xo
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
4 pounds of unneccessary flab around my middle GONE!
so i weighed in this morning and my detox is paying off. to get back to my goal, i need to drop 6 more pounds. i really really really hope i can do it. i've been wrestling with these last few for MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!! it seems i always get stuck right here and give up. i don't wanna give up this time. i've worked too hard to be unhappy and to have clothes in my closet that make me feel like a sausage.
so let's break it down into something i can handle. all i have to do is stay on my detox plan today, work out after school, and drink lots of water. i can do this.
today's food plan - day 10:
3oz pork chop, 1/2 cup milk, 3/4 cup cherries
10oz cauliflower, 6oz carrots, 4oz turkey pepperoni
6oz salad, 16oz squash, 2 tbsp dressing, 4oz beef
happy eating! xo
so let's break it down into something i can handle. all i have to do is stay on my detox plan today, work out after school, and drink lots of water. i can do this.
today's food plan - day 10:
3oz pork chop, 1/2 cup milk, 3/4 cup cherries
10oz cauliflower, 6oz carrots, 4oz turkey pepperoni
6oz salad, 16oz squash, 2 tbsp dressing, 4oz beef
happy eating! xo
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
just like the parting of the red sea, i shit you not
miracles do happen. for realz. it's a miracle that i didn't say fuck it today and eat shit i'm not supposed to eat. temptation was high for a few reasons:
1. i worked out super hard yesterday. i'm always hungrier the day after a tough work out.
2. i got sick late morning. a migraine sent me home from school and being sick is a huge trigger for me. somehow my sick head says food will make it all better.
3. i had a really lame dinner planned. 2oz cheese and raw carrots. GAG.
4. i'm legitimately hungry right now. my stomach hurts.
but i'm not giving in. why? because it's not worth it!!!! i have a goal i'm aiming for! i want to lose the 8 pounds i gained and i want to stop this roller coaster madness that food takes me on when i allow the door to open even just a smidge. so i'm going to bed hungry but abstinent. it's truly a miracle.
happy eating! xo
1. i worked out super hard yesterday. i'm always hungrier the day after a tough work out.
2. i got sick late morning. a migraine sent me home from school and being sick is a huge trigger for me. somehow my sick head says food will make it all better.
3. i had a really lame dinner planned. 2oz cheese and raw carrots. GAG.
4. i'm legitimately hungry right now. my stomach hurts.
but i'm not giving in. why? because it's not worth it!!!! i have a goal i'm aiming for! i want to lose the 8 pounds i gained and i want to stop this roller coaster madness that food takes me on when i allow the door to open even just a smidge. so i'm going to bed hungry but abstinent. it's truly a miracle.
happy eating! xo
day 9 here we come
soooo i'm on day 9 of my detox...no grains and limited fats...basically protein and veggies only.
it's amazing how little food we really need. i feel humbled by this whole thing. despite some of the great freedoms i experience with food and with my body, food is still a very important thing in my life...always gotta make sure i have my food packed, "oh my gosh, i gotta eat every 4 hours or i'll fucking die!" i am experiencing the same "wow factor" that i experienced the first time i detoxed 3 years ago...food is fuel, and you don't need a whole lot.
most days are a struggle for me not to put more food in my mouth than i need. i always think i'm hungry but i'm discovering that it's only emotional. i am definitely a stress eater...an emotional eater...so when things come up throughout my day that are hard (even just boredom) i automatically think "i'm hungry!" but i'm really not! this food plan is teaching me that food is for fuel only and while i can enjoy my meals and eat the things i like, it's still always gotta come down to this:
i eat to fuel my body so i can live. period.
happy eating! xo
it's amazing how little food we really need. i feel humbled by this whole thing. despite some of the great freedoms i experience with food and with my body, food is still a very important thing in my life...always gotta make sure i have my food packed, "oh my gosh, i gotta eat every 4 hours or i'll fucking die!" i am experiencing the same "wow factor" that i experienced the first time i detoxed 3 years ago...food is fuel, and you don't need a whole lot.
most days are a struggle for me not to put more food in my mouth than i need. i always think i'm hungry but i'm discovering that it's only emotional. i am definitely a stress eater...an emotional eater...so when things come up throughout my day that are hard (even just boredom) i automatically think "i'm hungry!" but i'm really not! this food plan is teaching me that food is for fuel only and while i can enjoy my meals and eat the things i like, it's still always gotta come down to this:
i eat to fuel my body so i can live. period.
happy eating! xo
Saturday, July 31, 2010
the missing link: vegetables
it's an ongoing issue. every day is a battle. i go to bed at night and hope that when the sun rises again, i will have a deep love for all things green.
still waiting.
i hate hate hate hate hate eating vegetables. i don't look forward to them. they are a pain in my ass. when 2:00pm hits, i don't want to eat a bag of fucking carrots for the umpteenth time. i want a bag of doritoes and maybe a couple cookies...
but for real, i talk about this a lot and i want to drive the point home again. you can't have your cake and eat it too - literally! if you want to maintain a low weight and still feel like you're eating and NOT starving to death, you must eat your vegetables. right now during my detox i am allowed to eat...let's see...16+32= 48oz of vegetables...1 frozen bag of veggies is 12oz...so that means i can have 4 bags of frozen vegetables in one day?? YUP. and that's the only way i can get up early, go to bed late, work, go to school, exercise while only eating my alloted protein and fat. soooo this is why i want to hang my own self every day. EVERY single day i'm trying to figure out how to enjoy those green fuckers. i have yet to attain this goal. that's why we take it one day at a time. i can do in 12 hours what i couldn't possibly do for a lifetime.
happy eating! xo
still waiting.
i hate hate hate hate hate eating vegetables. i don't look forward to them. they are a pain in my ass. when 2:00pm hits, i don't want to eat a bag of fucking carrots for the umpteenth time. i want a bag of doritoes and maybe a couple cookies...
but for real, i talk about this a lot and i want to drive the point home again. you can't have your cake and eat it too - literally! if you want to maintain a low weight and still feel like you're eating and NOT starving to death, you must eat your vegetables. right now during my detox i am allowed to eat...let's see...16+32= 48oz of vegetables...1 frozen bag of veggies is 12oz...so that means i can have 4 bags of frozen vegetables in one day?? YUP. and that's the only way i can get up early, go to bed late, work, go to school, exercise while only eating my alloted protein and fat. soooo this is why i want to hang my own self every day. EVERY single day i'm trying to figure out how to enjoy those green fuckers. i have yet to attain this goal. that's why we take it one day at a time. i can do in 12 hours what i couldn't possibly do for a lifetime.
happy eating! xo
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
detox is a bitch
so i kinda think i might die a little. i'm detoxing for 30 days and i swear if i poked myself in the eye with my pen, my head would feel better than it does right now. i'm detoxing because i had a little slip with sugar.....ok, i'm a liar...i had a big fat enormous binge like no other. like, if you think you're an awesome binger, move aside and let me have the big king chair. so here we go...30 days of detox which i find to be very very difficult considering my love of fats and grains and my hatred for all things vegetable.
this is my plan today:
2oz cheese
banana
4oz beef, 12oz V8, 6oz carrots
4oz pork, 8oz salad, 16oz squash, 2 tbsp dressing
the one cool thing though is that there are at least 5 women i talk to almost every day that are doing the same thing. it helps to know i'm not alone...and i'm probably not gonna die.
happy eating! xo
this is my plan today:
2oz cheese
banana
4oz beef, 12oz V8, 6oz carrots
4oz pork, 8oz salad, 16oz squash, 2 tbsp dressing
the one cool thing though is that there are at least 5 women i talk to almost every day that are doing the same thing. it helps to know i'm not alone...and i'm probably not gonna die.
happy eating! xo
Monday, July 26, 2010
what are you doing in the closet?
are you struggling to lose weight? can't get those last 5 pounds off (ME!)? feel like you're working your ass off and making sacrifices but nothing is happening?
well, i am a fucking genius because i know why.
do you really want help? do you reeealllly wanna know what the fuck is wrong? are you ready to come out of denial? are you really ready to give up your yummys and do something about your unhappiness with self? if you are, this is what you need to do...
i dare you to write down everything you put in your mouth for a week. EVERYTHING.
it's easy to blindly look at your GOOD meals while forgetting about that picnic you went to this weekend. it's easy to forget about that extra super large coffee drink from starbucks that had 6,000 calories in it. it's easy to forget that when you eat out and get a piece of cake, it's about 1,000 calories.
and don't forget about what you do in the dark. if you're anything like me, you can consume a whole box of granola bars in the kitchen while someone is working out in the basement and another person is watching t.v. in the living room. or how about this one - stuffing food in your mouth while making dinner and then sitting down to a full dinner with the rest of the family. telling yourself you had 1 glass of wine when really you had 2 fish bowl size glasses of wine...and a beer. grabbing a candy bar at the grocery store and throwing the wrapper out the window so no one knows. have you ever done that one? i can go on and on and on about the skeezy-ass things i have done with food. if you struggle with your weight, come out of the dark and into the light. really shine a flashlight on what you're doing and then you'll see the changes you need to make.
happy eating - in broad day light! xo
well, i am a fucking genius because i know why.
do you really want help? do you reeealllly wanna know what the fuck is wrong? are you ready to come out of denial? are you really ready to give up your yummys and do something about your unhappiness with self? if you are, this is what you need to do...
i dare you to write down everything you put in your mouth for a week. EVERYTHING.
it's easy to blindly look at your GOOD meals while forgetting about that picnic you went to this weekend. it's easy to forget about that extra super large coffee drink from starbucks that had 6,000 calories in it. it's easy to forget that when you eat out and get a piece of cake, it's about 1,000 calories.
and don't forget about what you do in the dark. if you're anything like me, you can consume a whole box of granola bars in the kitchen while someone is working out in the basement and another person is watching t.v. in the living room. or how about this one - stuffing food in your mouth while making dinner and then sitting down to a full dinner with the rest of the family. telling yourself you had 1 glass of wine when really you had 2 fish bowl size glasses of wine...and a beer. grabbing a candy bar at the grocery store and throwing the wrapper out the window so no one knows. have you ever done that one? i can go on and on and on about the skeezy-ass things i have done with food. if you struggle with your weight, come out of the dark and into the light. really shine a flashlight on what you're doing and then you'll see the changes you need to make.
happy eating - in broad day light! xo
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
that sweet tooth you're experiencing is a manipulative, lying bitch! don't listen to her!
if you find yourself craving something sweet, i dare you to try this experiment.
drink a shit ton of water.
i shit you not, every time i find myself wanting something sweet, 9 times out of 10 i'm actually dehydrated and just plain THIRSTY.
try it. i dare you. if it doesn't work, i'll give you a dollar.
happy eating! xo
drink a shit ton of water.
i shit you not, every time i find myself wanting something sweet, 9 times out of 10 i'm actually dehydrated and just plain THIRSTY.
try it. i dare you. if it doesn't work, i'll give you a dollar.
happy eating! xo
food plan for thursday
this is what i'm eatin thursday, july 22nd
breakfast:
1 cup milk, 1oz cheese (protein)
1/4 cup dry, flourless cereal (1 grain)
1 cup grapes (1 fruit)
2 tbsp half and half (1 fat)
lunch:
4oz turkey breast, 1/2oz cheese (protein)
1oz triscuits (1 grain)
16oz bag baby carrots (2 vegetables)
2 tbsp dressing (1 fat)
1 tbsp mayo (1 fat)
1 cup blueberries (1 fruit)
dinner:
2.5oz cheese (protein)
1oz triscuits (1 grain)
8oz salad (all vegetables), 8oz V8 (2 vegetables)
2 tbsp dressing (1 fat)
1/2oz almonds (1 fat)
**if i were eating meat at dinner for protein, i could have 5oz. when you use cheese as protein, it needs to be cut in half due to the fat content.
**most packages will tell you that 1oz of nuts is a fat. in my group, we only get a 1/2oz.
**hot and cold cereals all have different serving sizes listed on the box. some are 1/4 cup, some are a whole cup. in my group, we keep it straight across the board. you get 1/4 cup dry cereal or you can weigh it to be 1oz.
happy eating! xo
breakfast:
1 cup milk, 1oz cheese (protein)
1/4 cup dry, flourless cereal (1 grain)
1 cup grapes (1 fruit)
2 tbsp half and half (1 fat)
lunch:
4oz turkey breast, 1/2oz cheese (protein)
1oz triscuits (1 grain)
16oz bag baby carrots (2 vegetables)
2 tbsp dressing (1 fat)
1 tbsp mayo (1 fat)
1 cup blueberries (1 fruit)
dinner:
2.5oz cheese (protein)
1oz triscuits (1 grain)
8oz salad (all vegetables), 8oz V8 (2 vegetables)
2 tbsp dressing (1 fat)
1/2oz almonds (1 fat)
**if i were eating meat at dinner for protein, i could have 5oz. when you use cheese as protein, it needs to be cut in half due to the fat content.
**most packages will tell you that 1oz of nuts is a fat. in my group, we only get a 1/2oz.
**hot and cold cereals all have different serving sizes listed on the box. some are 1/4 cup, some are a whole cup. in my group, we keep it straight across the board. you get 1/4 cup dry cereal or you can weigh it to be 1oz.
happy eating! xo
richard simmons is a fucking genius
aside from his AWESOME afro and little flamer shorts, no offense, he had this BRILLIANT idea called the deal-a-meal. do you remember that? you'd get so many cards a day and once you used them up, you were done? i pretty much live that every day. because i have low blood sugar issues, i split up my meals as i need to in order to keep my sugar stable. so i don't necessarily look at each meal but rather a whole day...every day i get this much food...
14oz protein
3 grains (when i train, i get 4)
32oz vegetables
2 fruits
5 fats
i do balance out my food throughout the day - if i used my allotted food at breakfast, by dinner time i will want to rip all your faces off. i recommend you balance your food too BUT it's also a very cool thing to know how much food you need to live in a day. i think a lot of people's food looks like this:
20-25oz protein
7-8 grains
0-1 vegetable
1/2 fruit
600 fats
so what the hell am i trying to say...? i think what i'm saying is that you CAN eat out and eat yummy burgers and tacos and shit but just keep in mind that once you eat that fat-laden, high calorie lunch, go easy at dinner. get an angus burger at mcdonalds but know that you just ate 2 starches, 1.5 proteins, and at least 3 fats. so don't get the fries with it, drink a V8. don't eat another sandwich at dinner, get a salad. when you want a snack later, get your veggies in and eat carrot sticks.
i'm not talking to health freaks and "let's go green and never eat at mcdonald's because it takes too much energy to make a burger hippys" (no offense). i'm talking to normal people that want to live a fucking life and enjoy eating and also NOT be a fat ass. my favorite meals include cheese, mayonnaise, hotdogs, and whole milk. just use a little common sense and create balance. it's worth it.
happy eating! xo
14oz protein
3 grains (when i train, i get 4)
32oz vegetables
2 fruits
5 fats
i do balance out my food throughout the day - if i used my allotted food at breakfast, by dinner time i will want to rip all your faces off. i recommend you balance your food too BUT it's also a very cool thing to know how much food you need to live in a day. i think a lot of people's food looks like this:
20-25oz protein
7-8 grains
0-1 vegetable
1/2 fruit
600 fats
so what the hell am i trying to say...? i think what i'm saying is that you CAN eat out and eat yummy burgers and tacos and shit but just keep in mind that once you eat that fat-laden, high calorie lunch, go easy at dinner. get an angus burger at mcdonalds but know that you just ate 2 starches, 1.5 proteins, and at least 3 fats. so don't get the fries with it, drink a V8. don't eat another sandwich at dinner, get a salad. when you want a snack later, get your veggies in and eat carrot sticks.
i'm not talking to health freaks and "let's go green and never eat at mcdonald's because it takes too much energy to make a burger hippys" (no offense). i'm talking to normal people that want to live a fucking life and enjoy eating and also NOT be a fat ass. my favorite meals include cheese, mayonnaise, hotdogs, and whole milk. just use a little common sense and create balance. it's worth it.
happy eating! xo
Saturday, June 19, 2010
another 500 reasons i stay on my food plan
sooo the biggest reason i do what i do EVERYDAY and go to the lengths i go EVERYDAY and try to never never never stray from my plan is because i don't wanna be fat. let's be honest here....yeah, the sanity is great. being able to work out is great. but living on this planet and being thin and attractive is the number one reason i am so disciplined. if i could eat like a a fucking horse and still be thin, i'd do it in a second, no joke.
but recently, in the last few months, i have been really struggling. i've had more and more binges recently than i have in a really long time. these are some other things i notice that happen when my food gets messed up and it makes me wanna be abstinent sooo bad:
1. i break out. 1-2 days after a binge, little pimples pop up all over my face.
2. i get really bloated. 1-2 days after, i have a balloon in my stomach which prevents me from being able to comfortably button my pants.
3. i hate everyone. the people that are difficult for me to deal with but i usually have a lot of grace to handle, make me want to committ homicide 1-2 days after a binge.
4. i don't want to do my life. 1-2 days after a binge, i feel like i can't handle ANYTHING. i wanna hide in my house and sleep or simply just avoid being alive as much as possible.
5. i hate getting dressed. even though i haven't even gained weight after a binge (maybe just 2 pounds temporarily) i feel ugly in every single thing i try on. being a fashionista is something i enjoy and really love about myself. i find that fashion is like art and each day is a fashion show for me simply because i like it and it's fun! after i binge i just wanna hide in sweatpants and a t-shirt under a blanket in a closet in a tomb in the ground. if i hate myself, i don't wanna dress myself up! ugh.
6. i'm really spaced out. 1-2 days after a binge, i feel like i am hung over from smoking too much pot. it's not the fun part of the high. it's like 5 hours later when you kinda feel all dopey and icky. that's how i feel after i intoxicate myself with food.
so a binge doesn't really last for 30 minutes. it lasts for 2 whole days. 2 whole days of misery. and then my brain clears up and i start to feel good and i do it all over again. this is the nature of addiction. and this is why i stay on my plan no matter what.
happy eating! xo
but recently, in the last few months, i have been really struggling. i've had more and more binges recently than i have in a really long time. these are some other things i notice that happen when my food gets messed up and it makes me wanna be abstinent sooo bad:
1. i break out. 1-2 days after a binge, little pimples pop up all over my face.
2. i get really bloated. 1-2 days after, i have a balloon in my stomach which prevents me from being able to comfortably button my pants.
3. i hate everyone. the people that are difficult for me to deal with but i usually have a lot of grace to handle, make me want to committ homicide 1-2 days after a binge.
4. i don't want to do my life. 1-2 days after a binge, i feel like i can't handle ANYTHING. i wanna hide in my house and sleep or simply just avoid being alive as much as possible.
5. i hate getting dressed. even though i haven't even gained weight after a binge (maybe just 2 pounds temporarily) i feel ugly in every single thing i try on. being a fashionista is something i enjoy and really love about myself. i find that fashion is like art and each day is a fashion show for me simply because i like it and it's fun! after i binge i just wanna hide in sweatpants and a t-shirt under a blanket in a closet in a tomb in the ground. if i hate myself, i don't wanna dress myself up! ugh.
6. i'm really spaced out. 1-2 days after a binge, i feel like i am hung over from smoking too much pot. it's not the fun part of the high. it's like 5 hours later when you kinda feel all dopey and icky. that's how i feel after i intoxicate myself with food.
so a binge doesn't really last for 30 minutes. it lasts for 2 whole days. 2 whole days of misery. and then my brain clears up and i start to feel good and i do it all over again. this is the nature of addiction. and this is why i stay on my plan no matter what.
happy eating! xo
Sunday, June 13, 2010
how to eat like a champ and stay thin - for realz!
some say it's all about the numbers...it's a numbers game - you have to burn more calories than you take in. well i disagree...speaking from first-hand experience, this is not necessarily true.
for a few months, i went on a vegetable hiatus. i decided not to eat them and fill in my hungry places with more protein or fruit or grains or whatever. i'd think to myself, instead of eating 16oz of squash, i will have an extra piece of bread...it's only 80 calories! it all works out - 80 cals of bread instead of 80 cals of squash.
well guess what happened? i gained weight! foods from different food groups process differently in your body and so it doesn't work to replace foods like that. your food plan needs to be balanced.
this is what i ate today:
breakfast
protein: 2 large eggs (3oz), 1/2 cup milk (1oz)
grain: 1/2 english muffin (ezekial bread - flourless)
fruit: banana
fat: skipped it because the egg yolks have fat
lunch
protein: 2.5oz swiss cheese
grain: 1/2 english muffin
vegetables: 16oz roasted butternut squash
fat: skipped it because the cheese has fat
dinner
protein: 5oz chicken
grain: 1 cup whole wheat cous-cous (equivalent of 2 grains because i trained tonight)
vegetables: 1 cup mushrooms and onions
fat: olive oil for making the cous-cous and mushrooms & onions
i think that's pretty damn good if you ask me. how do i eat all that and still maintain my weight? because it's balanced, i don't skip meals, and i'm not eating too much of one food group. for example, if i didn't eat all that squash, i would have needed to fill it in with something else to stave off hunger. perhaps i could have eaten some triscuits or some cottage cheese with fruit or nuts and raisins...but all those items fall into other food groups that i already ate enough of today. so it doesn't work.
you gotta eat your veggies. i believe it is the key to being able to eat the appropriate amount of foods from other food groups (less than what you'd like!) and still feel satisfied and satiated. :)
happy eating! xo
for a few months, i went on a vegetable hiatus. i decided not to eat them and fill in my hungry places with more protein or fruit or grains or whatever. i'd think to myself, instead of eating 16oz of squash, i will have an extra piece of bread...it's only 80 calories! it all works out - 80 cals of bread instead of 80 cals of squash.
well guess what happened? i gained weight! foods from different food groups process differently in your body and so it doesn't work to replace foods like that. your food plan needs to be balanced.
this is what i ate today:
breakfast
protein: 2 large eggs (3oz), 1/2 cup milk (1oz)
grain: 1/2 english muffin (ezekial bread - flourless)
fruit: banana
fat: skipped it because the egg yolks have fat
lunch
protein: 2.5oz swiss cheese
grain: 1/2 english muffin
vegetables: 16oz roasted butternut squash
fat: skipped it because the cheese has fat
dinner
protein: 5oz chicken
grain: 1 cup whole wheat cous-cous (equivalent of 2 grains because i trained tonight)
vegetables: 1 cup mushrooms and onions
fat: olive oil for making the cous-cous and mushrooms & onions
i think that's pretty damn good if you ask me. how do i eat all that and still maintain my weight? because it's balanced, i don't skip meals, and i'm not eating too much of one food group. for example, if i didn't eat all that squash, i would have needed to fill it in with something else to stave off hunger. perhaps i could have eaten some triscuits or some cottage cheese with fruit or nuts and raisins...but all those items fall into other food groups that i already ate enough of today. so it doesn't work.
you gotta eat your veggies. i believe it is the key to being able to eat the appropriate amount of foods from other food groups (less than what you'd like!) and still feel satisfied and satiated. :)
happy eating! xo
139 vs 142
i weigh 142 and i want to kill myself. sooo when i first lost all this weight i got all the way down to 132 but i felt like it was too low so i wanted to get back up to like 135-137. i was there for a bit and then decided to leave my program and i maintained my weight at 139-140. but then i started messing with my food and i got up to 145 and i felt terrible. so i went back to my program and got it back to 139 and felt good. well now i am back to 142 because of some recent binges and what i like to call "skeezy" things that i do with my food. making poor choices...calorie ridden choices.
ok so here we are at 142. i am unhappy here because when you're a small person, you can really feel it when you gain 3 pounds. i don't feel as attractive in my clothes...my belly feels a little bigger and my pants are all very snug. this is a real thing, ya know? it really is. it sucks. i am upset with myself for screwing around with my food because if i'd just follow directions, i'd be happy in my skin.
my plan is to follow directions today and ask God for help in doing so.
happy eating! xo
ok so here we are at 142. i am unhappy here because when you're a small person, you can really feel it when you gain 3 pounds. i don't feel as attractive in my clothes...my belly feels a little bigger and my pants are all very snug. this is a real thing, ya know? it really is. it sucks. i am upset with myself for screwing around with my food because if i'd just follow directions, i'd be happy in my skin.
my plan is to follow directions today and ask God for help in doing so.
happy eating! xo
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
let's get honest, shall we?
ok, i'm making myself vulnerable here. i don't know who is gonna read this but i'm goin for it. i'm gonna write out everything i've been doing that i don't talk about that is actually pretty skeezy stuff. i pretend these things are acceptable but actually, they are adding to my insanity with food:
i don't weigh and measure my food all the time on purpose. if i don't measure it, then i can stay happily in denial while i overeat
since giant ran out of sugar-free ketchup for a while, i was eating the regular shit.
even if i don't work out, i'll add the extra grain that is only supposed to be added on workout days
i'll eat doritoes as a grain because it's technically flourless. but i'll eat a 2oz bag when 1oz corn chips is one serving
i'll go to the whole food store and eat fruit and nut bars as a fat. but i'll eat three of them and say that's 3 fats when really it's more than 3 AND there's fruit in it AND there's fuckin honey in them which i'm not supposed to have
if i feel entitled to more food, i'll just eat more. no questions asked.
yesterday i ate a sugar-free chocolate bar
today i ate regular ketchup
i never count the milk i put in my coffee
i'll save food and eat a big dinner so it feels like a little binge
if i skip something from my meal plan, i will eat it the next day because i think i'm entitled.
i am back to using splenda again. and i use more than i need.
i've gained 5 pounds and it's not fucking muscle. it's tina playing with her food and eating more than she needs to about every 3 days.
i don't tell my sponsor these things because i'm afraid she'll be angry with me
i haven't been to a meeting in like 2 months
if i could do all these things and live a normal life, i'd do it in a second. but i can't. i can't play around like this...it makes my life unmanageable very quickly. my life feels like it's in the toilet right now and it's simply because i've turned to food for help instead of God.
gag.
p.s. plantain chips are not a vegetable no matter how badly i want them to be.
i don't weigh and measure my food all the time on purpose. if i don't measure it, then i can stay happily in denial while i overeat
since giant ran out of sugar-free ketchup for a while, i was eating the regular shit.
even if i don't work out, i'll add the extra grain that is only supposed to be added on workout days
i'll eat doritoes as a grain because it's technically flourless. but i'll eat a 2oz bag when 1oz corn chips is one serving
i'll go to the whole food store and eat fruit and nut bars as a fat. but i'll eat three of them and say that's 3 fats when really it's more than 3 AND there's fruit in it AND there's fuckin honey in them which i'm not supposed to have
if i feel entitled to more food, i'll just eat more. no questions asked.
yesterday i ate a sugar-free chocolate bar
today i ate regular ketchup
i never count the milk i put in my coffee
i'll save food and eat a big dinner so it feels like a little binge
if i skip something from my meal plan, i will eat it the next day because i think i'm entitled.
i am back to using splenda again. and i use more than i need.
i've gained 5 pounds and it's not fucking muscle. it's tina playing with her food and eating more than she needs to about every 3 days.
i don't tell my sponsor these things because i'm afraid she'll be angry with me
i haven't been to a meeting in like 2 months
if i could do all these things and live a normal life, i'd do it in a second. but i can't. i can't play around like this...it makes my life unmanageable very quickly. my life feels like it's in the toilet right now and it's simply because i've turned to food for help instead of God.
gag.
p.s. plantain chips are not a vegetable no matter how badly i want them to be.
Monday, June 7, 2010
i am powerless over food and my life is unmanageable
is my life unmanageable because it's a crazy mess that no one could keep straight OR is it unmanageable simply because I can't manage it? i think it's the latter. i am not well. i'm totally overwhelmed and i can't keep up. i am in school full-time and i work 20 hours a week and i'm training for a triathalon and i'm trying to make sure my marriage doesn't fade away into the background. i'm fucking exhausted. so anyway, to deal with all of this stress and frustration, i found myself at the mall today eating a sugar-free caramel pecan candy bar.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
if you know anything about me and my food struggles or about food addiction in general, you will know that this is bad bad bad bad news. bad. that candy bar led me into a bag of almonds (5 servings), then into 2 english muffins, and finally into about 4oz cheese. are you fucking kidding me? this is enough calories and fat for 2 days. i didn't work out and i didn't drink water and i went shopping and bought shoes and other bull shit i don't need and i fucking hate myself. i fucking hate my fucking self. i feel ENORMOUS and UGLY. what a sad pathetic little day this is.
the worst part is that i did this out of my inability to deal with my life and now instead of one problem (unmanageable life) i have 2 problems: my life is unmanageable and i am fucking fat and insane.
gag. do you know what the worst part is? i wasted this day. this day was a gift and i wasted it. now i have a food hangover and i feel terrible and i'm unable to be "present" and i missed my favorite workout class and i'm a fucking zombie and i couldn't focus in school today and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! please just shoot me in the face. thanks.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
if you know anything about me and my food struggles or about food addiction in general, you will know that this is bad bad bad bad news. bad. that candy bar led me into a bag of almonds (5 servings), then into 2 english muffins, and finally into about 4oz cheese. are you fucking kidding me? this is enough calories and fat for 2 days. i didn't work out and i didn't drink water and i went shopping and bought shoes and other bull shit i don't need and i fucking hate myself. i fucking hate my fucking self. i feel ENORMOUS and UGLY. what a sad pathetic little day this is.
the worst part is that i did this out of my inability to deal with my life and now instead of one problem (unmanageable life) i have 2 problems: my life is unmanageable and i am fucking fat and insane.
gag. do you know what the worst part is? i wasted this day. this day was a gift and i wasted it. now i have a food hangover and i feel terrible and i'm unable to be "present" and i missed my favorite workout class and i'm a fucking zombie and i couldn't focus in school today and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! please just shoot me in the face. thanks.
Friday, June 4, 2010
the secret's out. i'm actually a monkey.
so i'm not fat anymore, praise the Lord in heaven but i still FEEL fat sometimes and i have what i like to call "fat head". sometimes i can be standing in a room and feel ENORMOUS. like my arms are the size of fucking elephant trunks or if i turn to the side, my big fat gut will hit the person next to me or if i turn my head to see who's coming, my double chin will wrap itself around an innocent bystander and choke them to death.
i have no idea what i look like and it sucks big time. rumor on the street is that i'm attractive. i've been told i'm beautiful and i should be a model. i've also been told that i'm "tiny".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????
fuckin weird dude. when i look in the mirror, i see tina but i'm kinda disconnected from who she is. i feel like a pretty huge geek most of the time and when i meet new people i feel this really creepy weird disconnect from myself. i just met like 5 new people tonight and i felt like i was a monkey in a human suit. like i have this kick-ass outer shell that may be pleasing to people and they can put me in whatever box they deem appropriate but what they don't realize is that i'm actually scratching my armpits and flinging poo deep inside my pretty human-shaped space suit.
who knows if i'll ever get passed this. perhaps time will heal me. after all, i have spent more time on this planet as a huge fatty than as a "normal"-sized person. i guess it could be worse. i'd rather feel like a monkey than look like a cow.
i have no idea what i look like and it sucks big time. rumor on the street is that i'm attractive. i've been told i'm beautiful and i should be a model. i've also been told that i'm "tiny".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????
fuckin weird dude. when i look in the mirror, i see tina but i'm kinda disconnected from who she is. i feel like a pretty huge geek most of the time and when i meet new people i feel this really creepy weird disconnect from myself. i just met like 5 new people tonight and i felt like i was a monkey in a human suit. like i have this kick-ass outer shell that may be pleasing to people and they can put me in whatever box they deem appropriate but what they don't realize is that i'm actually scratching my armpits and flinging poo deep inside my pretty human-shaped space suit.
who knows if i'll ever get passed this. perhaps time will heal me. after all, i have spent more time on this planet as a huge fatty than as a "normal"-sized person. i guess it could be worse. i'd rather feel like a monkey than look like a cow.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
temptation attacks
so i'm out and about after my workout. it's late. i'm sweaty....and HUNGRY. i'm at the pet smart of all places and something bright and orange and kinda shiny catches my eye....reeses peanut butter cups. they are my FAVORITE. aside from doughnuts. and double cheese burgers from mcdonalds. and macaroni and cheese. and brownies. with ice cream. or brownie ice cream. FUCK.
ok so reeses peanut butter cups are spotted and i am actually considering eating them. are you kidding me, tina? do you KNOW what you're capable of doing with food? i mean, for real.
let's break this down...
i worked late last night. got like 4 hours sleep. had a long day. worked out really hard at the gym. it's 7:30pm and i haven't had dinner. this is the perfect set up for a fall...a nice slow fall on top of those peanut butter cups. why the hell am i talking about this? because a lot of times feelings trigger me and tonight was a perfect example. all i needed to do is get my ass back in my car and drive home to eat my dinner and rehydrate. pretty much 99% of the time if the food is calling me...or stalking me...or beating me over the head with it's yummy goodness, it usually means i just need to take care of myself. give myself a little TLC. i am reminded of something i learned in recovery. never let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (H.A.L.T.)
happy eating and take good care of YOU! xo
ok so reeses peanut butter cups are spotted and i am actually considering eating them. are you kidding me, tina? do you KNOW what you're capable of doing with food? i mean, for real.
let's break this down...
i worked late last night. got like 4 hours sleep. had a long day. worked out really hard at the gym. it's 7:30pm and i haven't had dinner. this is the perfect set up for a fall...a nice slow fall on top of those peanut butter cups. why the hell am i talking about this? because a lot of times feelings trigger me and tonight was a perfect example. all i needed to do is get my ass back in my car and drive home to eat my dinner and rehydrate. pretty much 99% of the time if the food is calling me...or stalking me...or beating me over the head with it's yummy goodness, it usually means i just need to take care of myself. give myself a little TLC. i am reminded of something i learned in recovery. never let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (H.A.L.T.)
happy eating and take good care of YOU! xo
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
my grandma always called it a BM
when i was a kid, i didn't know what a BM was. i was so confused when my grandmother asked "did you do a BM?" she was the only one that called it that. i thought it was some weird old lady thing. nowadays, i call it something else but we won't get into that.
why the hell am i talking about this? probably because i'm all stopped up and my belly is still enormous. and i think i figured out why.
it's the beans.
i've been eating a shit ton of beans lately (shit ton - haha)! beans on my salad, beans on my quinoa, hummus and carrots, beans with faux-meat, beans, beans, beans. i thought beans got things moving?? WTF?! i remember this happening to me last year. i started eating hummus because all the healthy eaters would ask me why i don't eat such an awesome food. "why do you always eat cheese, tina? what about BEANS?!" well the huge spare tire i'm carrying around is reminding me why i don't eat them. they are amazing slow burners so it's a bummer that they don't work for me. but i miss the BM thing. i like BMs.
here's my plan for today:
breakfast: 1 pc sprouted grain bread, 4oz egg whites, 2oz prunes (so i can poo), 2 tbsp half and half in my coffee
lunch: 2.5oz tuna, 2.5oz chicken, 1oz crackers, 1 tbsp mayo, 2 tbsp dressing, 1 tbsp dijon mustard, 12oz V8, 6oz salad, 1 cup mixed fresh fruit
dinner: pre-workout: 1/2 cup quinoa, 1/2 cup faux-meat
post-workout: 3oz egg whites, 1/4 cup oatmeal, 16oz butternut squash, 1oz almonds
happy eating...and poopin! xo
why the hell am i talking about this? probably because i'm all stopped up and my belly is still enormous. and i think i figured out why.
it's the beans.
i've been eating a shit ton of beans lately (shit ton - haha)! beans on my salad, beans on my quinoa, hummus and carrots, beans with faux-meat, beans, beans, beans. i thought beans got things moving?? WTF?! i remember this happening to me last year. i started eating hummus because all the healthy eaters would ask me why i don't eat such an awesome food. "why do you always eat cheese, tina? what about BEANS?!" well the huge spare tire i'm carrying around is reminding me why i don't eat them. they are amazing slow burners so it's a bummer that they don't work for me. but i miss the BM thing. i like BMs.
here's my plan for today:
breakfast: 1 pc sprouted grain bread, 4oz egg whites, 2oz prunes (so i can poo), 2 tbsp half and half in my coffee
lunch: 2.5oz tuna, 2.5oz chicken, 1oz crackers, 1 tbsp mayo, 2 tbsp dressing, 1 tbsp dijon mustard, 12oz V8, 6oz salad, 1 cup mixed fresh fruit
dinner: pre-workout: 1/2 cup quinoa, 1/2 cup faux-meat
post-workout: 3oz egg whites, 1/4 cup oatmeal, 16oz butternut squash, 1oz almonds
happy eating...and poopin! xo
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
blown up like a F#$%ing BALLOON
so yeah, my hatred for water is exacerbated by the fact that i am a HUGE BALLOON today. my rings don't fit. my shoes are tight. and my belly is sticking out like there's a little babe in there - BUT THERE'S NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so if i don't drink water, life sucks and if i do drink water, life sucks.
drama.
ok so what do i do? stop eating salt. F that. stop drinking water? yes, that's what i'm gonna do. psych.
FML.
so if i don't drink water, life sucks and if i do drink water, life sucks.
drama.
ok so what do i do? stop eating salt. F that. stop drinking water? yes, that's what i'm gonna do. psych.
FML.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
dehydrated much? asshole.
so i am a huge turd when it comes to drinking water. i HATE it. HATE. and you know what else i hate just as much? all the people out there that love, love, love drinking water. you can all go suck it. ok so i'm kidding....not really...ok moving on.
every time i go for a run outside, the following happens:
1. i run until i can't run anymore. sometimes that's 3 miles. sometimes it's 7. and sometimes it's 10. depends on the day.
2. i start to get a headache about 3 hours later and i ignore it
3. i go to bed with a headache and think i can sleep it off
4. i wake up in the middle of the night - like 2am - and my head is THROBBING
5. i take some generic ibuprofen or whatever
6. i go back to bed and lay there for an hour because the medicine isn't working
7. i get up and go to the nearest convenience store in my pajamas and no bra looking like a crack addict and i purchase extra-strength exedrin migraine
8. i try to swallow it in the car with no fluids and i choke while i'm driving
9. the headache goes away in 20 minutes and i can finally sleep by like 3:30am
i shit you not, this happens to me ALL THE FUCKING TIME. you'd think i'd learn a few things from all this experience. like purchase a drink when i go to wawa for drugs so i can swallow with ease. OR HAVE EXEDRIN IN THE BATHROOM CLOSET ASSWIPE!!!! OR even better - figure out what the hell is wrong and fix it.
i went online and discovered that i either have a brain hemmorage and i'm gonna die in 3 days OR i'm dehydrated. a runner's world blog told me that chugging a glass of water before and after a run is not sufficient. i need to STAY hydrated at all times.
so here i go. determined to fall in love with drinking water so i can stop this madness.
happy hydrating! xo
every time i go for a run outside, the following happens:
1. i run until i can't run anymore. sometimes that's 3 miles. sometimes it's 7. and sometimes it's 10. depends on the day.
2. i start to get a headache about 3 hours later and i ignore it
3. i go to bed with a headache and think i can sleep it off
4. i wake up in the middle of the night - like 2am - and my head is THROBBING
5. i take some generic ibuprofen or whatever
6. i go back to bed and lay there for an hour because the medicine isn't working
7. i get up and go to the nearest convenience store in my pajamas and no bra looking like a crack addict and i purchase extra-strength exedrin migraine
8. i try to swallow it in the car with no fluids and i choke while i'm driving
9. the headache goes away in 20 minutes and i can finally sleep by like 3:30am
i shit you not, this happens to me ALL THE FUCKING TIME. you'd think i'd learn a few things from all this experience. like purchase a drink when i go to wawa for drugs so i can swallow with ease. OR HAVE EXEDRIN IN THE BATHROOM CLOSET ASSWIPE!!!! OR even better - figure out what the hell is wrong and fix it.
i went online and discovered that i either have a brain hemmorage and i'm gonna die in 3 days OR i'm dehydrated. a runner's world blog told me that chugging a glass of water before and after a run is not sufficient. i need to STAY hydrated at all times.
so here i go. determined to fall in love with drinking water so i can stop this madness.
happy hydrating! xo
Friday, May 21, 2010
training for a triathalon and NOT starving to death
so i talked to a fabulous personal trainer and she gave me great tips for my food plan while i train for this triathalon. i'm so excited because i had this sneaking suspicion that i don't eat enough when i work out and i as it turns out, i was right! so i've added a few things (with permission and discussion with my sponsor) and i made some adjustments. i tried it out tonight for the first time and i feel great! i don't have this awful depleted feeling and i'm not obsessing about getting more food in me because i don't need it! all i did so far to start out is i added a grain at my dinner meal and a fat and i increased my protein at lunch and dinner by an ounce - so instead of 4oz, i get 5oz. tomorrow i'm gonna eat the following:
bfast: 4oz eggs (2), 1 pc sprouted grain bread, 2 tbsp half and half for coffee, 1 cup strawberries
lunch: 8oz salad, 8oz V8, 2oz black beans, 1/2 cup milk, 2oz tuna, 1/2 tbsp mayo, 1 tbsp half and half, 2 tbsp salad dressing, 1 banana, 8 low-fat triscuits
dinner: 5oz chicken, 1 cup quinoa, 16oz butternut squash (faux-french fries!), 1oz walnuts
if i wasn't training tomorrow, i'd only have 1/2 cup quinoa.
by the way, if you never had quinoa, you need to try it like right now. it's an AMAZING whole grain full of good stuff, even protein and it tastes fabulous. my mom and i cook it with chicken broth instead of water and it gives it some flavor.
happy eating! xo
bfast: 4oz eggs (2), 1 pc sprouted grain bread, 2 tbsp half and half for coffee, 1 cup strawberries
lunch: 8oz salad, 8oz V8, 2oz black beans, 1/2 cup milk, 2oz tuna, 1/2 tbsp mayo, 1 tbsp half and half, 2 tbsp salad dressing, 1 banana, 8 low-fat triscuits
dinner: 5oz chicken, 1 cup quinoa, 16oz butternut squash (faux-french fries!), 1oz walnuts
if i wasn't training tomorrow, i'd only have 1/2 cup quinoa.
by the way, if you never had quinoa, you need to try it like right now. it's an AMAZING whole grain full of good stuff, even protein and it tastes fabulous. my mom and i cook it with chicken broth instead of water and it gives it some flavor.
happy eating! xo
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
new yummy discovery!
i like beans. who knew? i found this bean salad in a can - southwest bean salad - it's soooooo yummy on a salad. it's like corn and black beans and tomato and a yummy sauce...put it on a salad with a little ranch dressing OR fage greek yogurt. yay!
so i had a little spill last night after work. i was soooooo hungry from doing full-time at work and then went to work and i am training for this triathalon and it caught up with me last night. ew. i ate more than i needed but i know i needed some of the food. i'm planning to get some help from a professional who can help me with my food since i work out so much and i'm so active. can't wait.
happy eating! xo
so i had a little spill last night after work. i was soooooo hungry from doing full-time at work and then went to work and i am training for this triathalon and it caught up with me last night. ew. i ate more than i needed but i know i needed some of the food. i'm planning to get some help from a professional who can help me with my food since i work out so much and i'm so active. can't wait.
happy eating! xo
Saturday, May 15, 2010
foods that really mean something
i'm learning some lessons about my food choices. i follow this plan where as long as a food falls into a certain category, i can choose which one i want. for example...if we're talking protein, i can choose if i want it to be chicken, steak, cheese, milk, yogurt, fish, soynuts, legumes etc. if we're talking fruit, i can choose if i want it to be a banana, cantaloupe, all-fruit jelly, raisins, strawberries, kiwi, plums, etc. grains? i can pick rice, bread, potatoes, corn, snap peas, quinoa, oatmeal, crackers, etc.
get what i'm sayin? ok so this is what i'm learning....certain foods really stay with me and are very satisfying while others are not good choices because i get hungry really fast and i have trouble making it to my next meal.
proteins that last for tina: cheese, eggs
grains that last for tina: oatmeal, quinoa, ezekial bread
fruits that last for tina: cantaloupe, mango, berries
fats that last for tina: salad dressing, nuts
veggies that last for tina: squash, carrots
and here's my list of foods that are on my plan and are options for me but they do not help me feel satiated (full/satisfied)
proteins that suck for tina: yogurt, milk, fish
grains that suck for tina: potatoes, tortilla chips,
fruits that suck for tina: all-fruit spread, dried fruit, bananas
fats that suck for tina: half and half, sourcream, mayonnaise
veggies that suck for tina: V8 juice, mostly lettuce salads
find the foods that work for you and choose them most often. it will help you keep from getting too hungry and will help you prevent the "fuck its" when it comes to your food. you have lots to choose from, so make the best choices for YOU.
get what i'm sayin? ok so this is what i'm learning....certain foods really stay with me and are very satisfying while others are not good choices because i get hungry really fast and i have trouble making it to my next meal.
proteins that last for tina: cheese, eggs
grains that last for tina: oatmeal, quinoa, ezekial bread
fruits that last for tina: cantaloupe, mango, berries
fats that last for tina: salad dressing, nuts
veggies that last for tina: squash, carrots
and here's my list of foods that are on my plan and are options for me but they do not help me feel satiated (full/satisfied)
proteins that suck for tina: yogurt, milk, fish
grains that suck for tina: potatoes, tortilla chips,
fruits that suck for tina: all-fruit spread, dried fruit, bananas
fats that suck for tina: half and half, sourcream, mayonnaise
veggies that suck for tina: V8 juice, mostly lettuce salads
find the foods that work for you and choose them most often. it will help you keep from getting too hungry and will help you prevent the "fuck its" when it comes to your food. you have lots to choose from, so make the best choices for YOU.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
emotional hunger feels so REAL
it's amazing how some uncomfortable emotion automatically translates into "i'm hungry". i mean for real - my body actually FEELS hungry. but how do i know i'm not really hungry? first of all, i follow a food plan and eat the same things all the time AND my tummy never rumbles because i'm always satiated. as a compulsive eater, my hunger mechanism is all out of wack. i remember during my biggest binges in the past, it was like that thing in my brain that says "hey, you're full" totally stops working!!! but when i'm tryin to stay on the wagon and i'm really tired or stressed or sad or lonely or whatever....i feel HUNGRY! so today i'm grateful for my food plan that i follow. it keeps me in check and if i'm following it and staying hydrated, when the food calls me, i know it's not real. :)
p.s. sorry if i offended anyone with my last post...got a little carried away. :(
p.s. sorry if i offended anyone with my last post...got a little carried away. :(
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
how about a little Q&A so i don't blow my brains out
i get BOMBARDED with questions about my food plan and simply because i'm only human, i want to claw out the eyeballs of everyone that asks me questions. don't get me wrong - i LOVE talking about my transformation - LOVE IT. BUT when i get questions about my food over and over again, it kinda makes me crazy. here are the most frequently asked questions...and their answers:
Q. why can't you just have a little bite of something sweet?
A. because i'm a food ADDICT. A.D.D.I.C.T. get out the dictionary or google it...once i start i CANNOT stop.
Q. why can't you have soy flour or wheat flour?
A. because flour is flour is flour and it's very triggering for me. if you don't understand what it means to be triggered, go fuck yourself. psych. actually, see the previous question and answer...also, you may not know this, but when flour mixes with saliva, IT TURNS INTO A SUGAR.
Q. will you ever have sweets again? what about your birthday? anniversary? vacations?
A. no and thanks for reminding me. go fuck yourself
Q. what is considered a fat?
A. cream in your coffee (2 tbsp), cream cheese (1 tbsp), butter (1 tsp), oil (1 tsp), avacado (1/8 of a whole one), all nuts except soy nuts (1 tbsp), salad dressing (2 tbsp), sour cream (1 tbsp)
Q. why doesn't the cheese in your blue cheese dressing count toward your protein?
A. i don't know, it just doesn't fuck face
Q. why is cheese a protein on your plan? isn't it a dairy? isn't it really fattening?
A. because, yes, and yes. i get half the amount of cheese as i do meat because of the fat. so i can have 4oz meat and 2oz cheese. and yes, cheese and milk are both good sources of protein. are they the best sources? of course not. but who cares. it's cheese and it's fucking delicious.
Q. why do you have to measure everything you eat? can't you just guess?
A. no, because i'm a food addict. food is my drug of choice. tell a coke addict to have one snort. tell an alcoholic to have 1 beer. and then go fuck yourself.
Q. why can't you just have a little bite of something sweet?
A. because i'm a food ADDICT. A.D.D.I.C.T. get out the dictionary or google it...once i start i CANNOT stop.
Q. why can't you have soy flour or wheat flour?
A. because flour is flour is flour and it's very triggering for me. if you don't understand what it means to be triggered, go fuck yourself. psych. actually, see the previous question and answer...also, you may not know this, but when flour mixes with saliva, IT TURNS INTO A SUGAR.
Q. will you ever have sweets again? what about your birthday? anniversary? vacations?
A. no and thanks for reminding me. go fuck yourself
Q. what is considered a fat?
A. cream in your coffee (2 tbsp), cream cheese (1 tbsp), butter (1 tsp), oil (1 tsp), avacado (1/8 of a whole one), all nuts except soy nuts (1 tbsp), salad dressing (2 tbsp), sour cream (1 tbsp)
Q. why doesn't the cheese in your blue cheese dressing count toward your protein?
A. i don't know, it just doesn't fuck face
Q. why is cheese a protein on your plan? isn't it a dairy? isn't it really fattening?
A. because, yes, and yes. i get half the amount of cheese as i do meat because of the fat. so i can have 4oz meat and 2oz cheese. and yes, cheese and milk are both good sources of protein. are they the best sources? of course not. but who cares. it's cheese and it's fucking delicious.
Q. why do you have to measure everything you eat? can't you just guess?
A. no, because i'm a food addict. food is my drug of choice. tell a coke addict to have one snort. tell an alcoholic to have 1 beer. and then go fuck yourself.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
butternut french fries?
ok so i have another thing i can't stop eating...roasted butternut squash with ketchup. how gross does that sound?? but for real - it tastes like french fries. my husband says i'm crazy - that i must forget what french fries taste like. maybe i do...it's been 2.5 years...BUT i swear that my new discovery is at least similar and it makes me excited to eat my veggies!
preheat oven to 450. peel the squash and chop off the ends...chop it up like home fries or slice it like steak fries...whatever fry you want to simulate...spray your pan...spray your "fries" with pam or spray butter for a totally fat-free vegetable. if you want to coat them in olive oil, go for it but i like to keep the fat out of my veggie recipes so i can use the fat for something else - like cream in my coffee. put a little salt on them and bake for about 20 minutes...after 20 mins, flip 'em around....bake for 10 more mins or until they start to get crispy or "hard" on the outside like a french fry. grab your ketchup (sugar-free is what i use) and fuckin eat. AWESOME.
preheat oven to 450. peel the squash and chop off the ends...chop it up like home fries or slice it like steak fries...whatever fry you want to simulate...spray your pan...spray your "fries" with pam or spray butter for a totally fat-free vegetable. if you want to coat them in olive oil, go for it but i like to keep the fat out of my veggie recipes so i can use the fat for something else - like cream in my coffee. put a little salt on them and bake for about 20 minutes...after 20 mins, flip 'em around....bake for 10 more mins or until they start to get crispy or "hard" on the outside like a french fry. grab your ketchup (sugar-free is what i use) and fuckin eat. AWESOME.
Friday, April 2, 2010
artificial sweeteners are the devil
um. i think 10 splendas in my coffee is a little obnoxious. and how about 6 packets in 1/4 cup oatmeal. and how about never drinking water because i'm totally addicted to diet soda....so today is day one of giving up artificial bull shit and i feel great. great because i know it's the next right thing to do. i had coffee today with half and half and no sweetener and it wasn't spectacular but i think i can get used to it.
another change i'm making is choosing better foods for ME. in my food plan, i can have 2 fruits a day so check it out. for one fruit i can pick what i want and do the portion thing....which would you rather - 2 tbsp polaner all-fruit (jelly) OR 1/2 a cantaloupe?
i mean REALLY????? what a stupid fucking question. but because i am an idiot, i'd eat the all-fruit because it's so sugary and sweet but it does NOTHING for me! all it does is leave me hungry. so tomorrow i'm going to eat half a cantaloupe and 1 cup of mango for my fruits and i can't wait!
happy eating! xo
another change i'm making is choosing better foods for ME. in my food plan, i can have 2 fruits a day so check it out. for one fruit i can pick what i want and do the portion thing....which would you rather - 2 tbsp polaner all-fruit (jelly) OR 1/2 a cantaloupe?
i mean REALLY????? what a stupid fucking question. but because i am an idiot, i'd eat the all-fruit because it's so sugary and sweet but it does NOTHING for me! all it does is leave me hungry. so tomorrow i'm going to eat half a cantaloupe and 1 cup of mango for my fruits and i can't wait!
happy eating! xo
Thursday, March 25, 2010
how does lonely equal cheese?? i mean, for real!?
my mom is in arizona, ryan is at work, i'm tired and alone and i can't stop thinking about housin a block of cheese. it's amazing to me how my hunger mechanism gets all screwy....like how does some negative emotion actually make me think i truly need more food??? i didn't work out yet today and i ate all my veggies and it's just not really physically possible that i'd need to eat anything else........but the cheese is calling me...it's creamy and salty and fatty and i fucking love it.
BUT it's just not an option for me tonight. maybe "normal" people out there can say "i had a long week, who cares - i can get back on the wagon tomorrow!" there is no such thing for a food addict. once the door is open to using food for emotional reasons, it's all over for me. food is simply fuel so i can live my life. that's how it has to be. i don't eat for fun, for feelings, for celebration, for loneliness....
my freedom from compulsive eating is sooooooo worth it. i'm gonna stick it out tonight because these feelings are temporary. ryan will be home in 2 hours and tomorrow is another day with a whole new food plan and a whole new set of feelings that i have to learn to live with and deal with WITHOUT stuffing my fucking face.
XO happy eating!
BUT it's just not an option for me tonight. maybe "normal" people out there can say "i had a long week, who cares - i can get back on the wagon tomorrow!" there is no such thing for a food addict. once the door is open to using food for emotional reasons, it's all over for me. food is simply fuel so i can live my life. that's how it has to be. i don't eat for fun, for feelings, for celebration, for loneliness....
my freedom from compulsive eating is sooooooo worth it. i'm gonna stick it out tonight because these feelings are temporary. ryan will be home in 2 hours and tomorrow is another day with a whole new food plan and a whole new set of feelings that i have to learn to live with and deal with WITHOUT stuffing my fucking face.
XO happy eating!
Friday, March 19, 2010
birthday funk
while everyone else had birthday fun, i was PISSED. oh man...it was so hard today. all the things i used to totally HOUSE down were in the classroom...subs, doritos, cup cakes, sheet cake, brownies...ugh. i had to leave the room a lot and sit in the cafeteria by myself because i couldn't stand looking at it and smelling it and watching other people eat it...
imagine a crack addict watching someone else smoke it....that's how i feel about food. icky icky. totally not fun. i fantasize about diving into an enormous cake and eating my way out...swimming in it...using the frosting as a pillow.
but i made it through the day without losing my abstinence and i didn't give in to the temptation to throw away my freedom from compulsive eating. i am grateful right now that i am NOT 230 pounds and i am healthy and happy. food is not worth it.
happy eating! XO
imagine a crack addict watching someone else smoke it....that's how i feel about food. icky icky. totally not fun. i fantasize about diving into an enormous cake and eating my way out...swimming in it...using the frosting as a pillow.
but i made it through the day without losing my abstinence and i didn't give in to the temptation to throw away my freedom from compulsive eating. i am grateful right now that i am NOT 230 pounds and i am healthy and happy. food is not worth it.
happy eating! XO
Thursday, March 18, 2010
friday food fun
it's my instructor's birthday tomorrow. so there's gonna be cake and doritos and sugary soda and FUCK.
this is what i'm gonna eat while everyone else gets fat...no offense..
7oz yogurt, 1/4 cup milk, 1/4 cup oatmeal, 1 cup black berries, 2 tbsp 1/2 and 1/2
2oz cheese, 1oz crackers, 2 cups carrots, 2 tbsp dressing, 2 tbsp 1/2 and 1/2
OR if my good friend leah makes this strawberry thing i can actually eat, i'm gonna plan to add a fruit (strawberries) and oatmeal and cream...
dinner...let's see...
big fat salad, 4oz steak, 2 tbsp dressing, 1/4 cup oatmeal
we'll see how this party goes tomorrow! good times.
happy eating! XO
this is what i'm gonna eat while everyone else gets fat...no offense..
7oz yogurt, 1/4 cup milk, 1/4 cup oatmeal, 1 cup black berries, 2 tbsp 1/2 and 1/2
2oz cheese, 1oz crackers, 2 cups carrots, 2 tbsp dressing, 2 tbsp 1/2 and 1/2
OR if my good friend leah makes this strawberry thing i can actually eat, i'm gonna plan to add a fruit (strawberries) and oatmeal and cream...
dinner...let's see...
big fat salad, 4oz steak, 2 tbsp dressing, 1/4 cup oatmeal
we'll see how this party goes tomorrow! good times.
happy eating! XO
Sunday, March 14, 2010
um. bad day.
i feel so fattylicious today, i hate it. i feel ugly and bloated and chubby and ICK! i have not lost my abstinence, so i don't know why i feel like this. i guess it's not worth obsessing about...we all have fat days, right?
this is what i plan to eat tomorrow:
3oz soynuts, 2 oz dried currants, 1/2 cup milk, 2 tbsp half and half, 1/4 cup oatmeal
1/4 cup oatmeal, 2oz cheese, 2 cups eggplant, 1/2 cup marinara sauce, 2 tbsp dressing, 2 tbsp 1/2 and 1/2, 2 oz dates
4oz steak, 1 cup lettuce, 1 cup mushroom and onion, 2 tbsp dressing, 1/4 cup oatmeal
i've been obsessed with cinnamon oatmeal...it's like dessert 3 times a day. woot!
happy eating! XO
this is what i plan to eat tomorrow:
3oz soynuts, 2 oz dried currants, 1/2 cup milk, 2 tbsp half and half, 1/4 cup oatmeal
1/4 cup oatmeal, 2oz cheese, 2 cups eggplant, 1/2 cup marinara sauce, 2 tbsp dressing, 2 tbsp 1/2 and 1/2, 2 oz dates
4oz steak, 1 cup lettuce, 1 cup mushroom and onion, 2 tbsp dressing, 1/4 cup oatmeal
i've been obsessed with cinnamon oatmeal...it's like dessert 3 times a day. woot!
happy eating! XO
Saturday, March 13, 2010
to die for eggplant
sooooo i'm ending my strike against cooking - it all started with that damn sauteed mushroom and onion salad!
being with my mom has made taking the time to create meals WAY more enjoyable for me. tonight we made the most BOMB-ASS eggplant you could ever eat in your whole life and it worked with my food plan. check it -
slice an eggplant into coins. you don't need to skin it. in fact, don't.
have a bowl of egg whites and a bowl of grated parm cheese
dip the eggplant into the egg and then dredge through the cheese
using a non-stick pan - it has to be non-stick or your eggplant will suck ass - fry up your coins until the cheese browns and gets crispy. it works best on a low heat so the eggplant has time to cook. another tip - let the coins settle for a bit in the pan before moving and flipping so the cheese has time to mold to the coin.
we tried 3 different dipping sauces and they all were totally delish. marinara sauce has a traditional eggplant parm taste. ketchup (sugar-free for us food nutt cases) makes it taste like french fries or some totally fattening-ass fried food you'd get at a bar. and blue cheese or ranch just makes it taste fucking awesome. woot!
give it a go...it's worth the effort. and it's really filling...i kinda feel like i might vomit. good times.
XO happy eating
being with my mom has made taking the time to create meals WAY more enjoyable for me. tonight we made the most BOMB-ASS eggplant you could ever eat in your whole life and it worked with my food plan. check it -
slice an eggplant into coins. you don't need to skin it. in fact, don't.
have a bowl of egg whites and a bowl of grated parm cheese
dip the eggplant into the egg and then dredge through the cheese
using a non-stick pan - it has to be non-stick or your eggplant will suck ass - fry up your coins until the cheese browns and gets crispy. it works best on a low heat so the eggplant has time to cook. another tip - let the coins settle for a bit in the pan before moving and flipping so the cheese has time to mold to the coin.
we tried 3 different dipping sauces and they all were totally delish. marinara sauce has a traditional eggplant parm taste. ketchup (sugar-free for us food nutt cases) makes it taste like french fries or some totally fattening-ass fried food you'd get at a bar. and blue cheese or ranch just makes it taste fucking awesome. woot!
give it a go...it's worth the effort. and it's really filling...i kinda feel like i might vomit. good times.
XO happy eating
dang it: new blog
i thought i could rename my blog but i had to create a whole new one. bummer. i'll have to let my followers know....i only have 5 so it shouldn't be hard. :)
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