sooo the biggest reason i do what i do EVERYDAY and go to the lengths i go EVERYDAY and try to never never never stray from my plan is because i don't wanna be fat. let's be honest here....yeah, the sanity is great. being able to work out is great. but living on this planet and being thin and attractive is the number one reason i am so disciplined. if i could eat like a a fucking horse and still be thin, i'd do it in a second, no joke.
but recently, in the last few months, i have been really struggling. i've had more and more binges recently than i have in a really long time. these are some other things i notice that happen when my food gets messed up and it makes me wanna be abstinent sooo bad:
1. i break out. 1-2 days after a binge, little pimples pop up all over my face.
2. i get really bloated. 1-2 days after, i have a balloon in my stomach which prevents me from being able to comfortably button my pants.
3. i hate everyone. the people that are difficult for me to deal with but i usually have a lot of grace to handle, make me want to committ homicide 1-2 days after a binge.
4. i don't want to do my life. 1-2 days after a binge, i feel like i can't handle ANYTHING. i wanna hide in my house and sleep or simply just avoid being alive as much as possible.
5. i hate getting dressed. even though i haven't even gained weight after a binge (maybe just 2 pounds temporarily) i feel ugly in every single thing i try on. being a fashionista is something i enjoy and really love about myself. i find that fashion is like art and each day is a fashion show for me simply because i like it and it's fun! after i binge i just wanna hide in sweatpants and a t-shirt under a blanket in a closet in a tomb in the ground. if i hate myself, i don't wanna dress myself up! ugh.
6. i'm really spaced out. 1-2 days after a binge, i feel like i am hung over from smoking too much pot. it's not the fun part of the high. it's like 5 hours later when you kinda feel all dopey and icky. that's how i feel after i intoxicate myself with food.
so a binge doesn't really last for 30 minutes. it lasts for 2 whole days. 2 whole days of misery. and then my brain clears up and i start to feel good and i do it all over again. this is the nature of addiction. and this is why i stay on my plan no matter what.
happy eating! xo
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