the secret's out. i'm actually a monkey.

so i'm not fat anymore, praise the Lord in heaven but i still FEEL fat sometimes and i have what i like to call "fat head". sometimes i can be standing in a room and feel ENORMOUS. like my arms are the size of fucking elephant trunks or if i turn to the side, my big fat gut will hit the person next to me or if i turn my head to see who's coming, my double chin will wrap itself around an innocent bystander and choke them to death.

i have no idea what i look like and it sucks big time. rumor on the street is that i'm attractive. i've been told i'm beautiful and i should be a model. i've also been told that i'm "tiny".

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????

fuckin weird dude. when i look in the mirror, i see tina but i'm kinda disconnected from who she is. i feel like a pretty huge geek most of the time and when i meet new people i feel this really creepy weird disconnect from myself. i just met like 5 new people tonight and i felt like i was a monkey in a human suit. like i have this kick-ass outer shell that may be pleasing to people and they can put me in whatever box they deem appropriate but what they don't realize is that i'm actually scratching my armpits and flinging poo deep inside my pretty human-shaped space suit.

who knows if i'll ever get passed this. perhaps time will heal me. after all, i have spent more time on this planet as a huge fatty than as a "normal"-sized person. i guess it could be worse. i'd rather feel like a monkey than look like a cow.