sooo the biggest reason i do what i do EVERYDAY and go to the lengths i go EVERYDAY and try to never never never stray from my plan is because i don't wanna be fat. let's be honest here....yeah, the sanity is great. being able to work out is great. but living on this planet and being thin and attractive is the number one reason i am so disciplined. if i could eat like a a fucking horse and still be thin, i'd do it in a second, no joke.
but recently, in the last few months, i have been really struggling. i've had more and more binges recently than i have in a really long time. these are some other things i notice that happen when my food gets messed up and it makes me wanna be abstinent sooo bad:
1. i break out. 1-2 days after a binge, little pimples pop up all over my face.
2. i get really bloated. 1-2 days after, i have a balloon in my stomach which prevents me from being able to comfortably button my pants.
3. i hate everyone. the people that are difficult for me to deal with but i usually have a lot of grace to handle, make me want to committ homicide 1-2 days after a binge.
4. i don't want to do my life. 1-2 days after a binge, i feel like i can't handle ANYTHING. i wanna hide in my house and sleep or simply just avoid being alive as much as possible.
5. i hate getting dressed. even though i haven't even gained weight after a binge (maybe just 2 pounds temporarily) i feel ugly in every single thing i try on. being a fashionista is something i enjoy and really love about myself. i find that fashion is like art and each day is a fashion show for me simply because i like it and it's fun! after i binge i just wanna hide in sweatpants and a t-shirt under a blanket in a closet in a tomb in the ground. if i hate myself, i don't wanna dress myself up! ugh.
6. i'm really spaced out. 1-2 days after a binge, i feel like i am hung over from smoking too much pot. it's not the fun part of the high. it's like 5 hours later when you kinda feel all dopey and icky. that's how i feel after i intoxicate myself with food.
so a binge doesn't really last for 30 minutes. it lasts for 2 whole days. 2 whole days of misery. and then my brain clears up and i start to feel good and i do it all over again. this is the nature of addiction. and this is why i stay on my plan no matter what.
happy eating! xo
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
how to eat like a champ and stay thin - for realz!
some say it's all about the numbers...it's a numbers game - you have to burn more calories than you take in. well i disagree...speaking from first-hand experience, this is not necessarily true.
for a few months, i went on a vegetable hiatus. i decided not to eat them and fill in my hungry places with more protein or fruit or grains or whatever. i'd think to myself, instead of eating 16oz of squash, i will have an extra piece of bread...it's only 80 calories! it all works out - 80 cals of bread instead of 80 cals of squash.
well guess what happened? i gained weight! foods from different food groups process differently in your body and so it doesn't work to replace foods like that. your food plan needs to be balanced.
this is what i ate today:
breakfast
protein: 2 large eggs (3oz), 1/2 cup milk (1oz)
grain: 1/2 english muffin (ezekial bread - flourless)
fruit: banana
fat: skipped it because the egg yolks have fat
lunch
protein: 2.5oz swiss cheese
grain: 1/2 english muffin
vegetables: 16oz roasted butternut squash
fat: skipped it because the cheese has fat
dinner
protein: 5oz chicken
grain: 1 cup whole wheat cous-cous (equivalent of 2 grains because i trained tonight)
vegetables: 1 cup mushrooms and onions
fat: olive oil for making the cous-cous and mushrooms & onions
i think that's pretty damn good if you ask me. how do i eat all that and still maintain my weight? because it's balanced, i don't skip meals, and i'm not eating too much of one food group. for example, if i didn't eat all that squash, i would have needed to fill it in with something else to stave off hunger. perhaps i could have eaten some triscuits or some cottage cheese with fruit or nuts and raisins...but all those items fall into other food groups that i already ate enough of today. so it doesn't work.
you gotta eat your veggies. i believe it is the key to being able to eat the appropriate amount of foods from other food groups (less than what you'd like!) and still feel satisfied and satiated. :)
happy eating! xo
for a few months, i went on a vegetable hiatus. i decided not to eat them and fill in my hungry places with more protein or fruit or grains or whatever. i'd think to myself, instead of eating 16oz of squash, i will have an extra piece of bread...it's only 80 calories! it all works out - 80 cals of bread instead of 80 cals of squash.
well guess what happened? i gained weight! foods from different food groups process differently in your body and so it doesn't work to replace foods like that. your food plan needs to be balanced.
this is what i ate today:
breakfast
protein: 2 large eggs (3oz), 1/2 cup milk (1oz)
grain: 1/2 english muffin (ezekial bread - flourless)
fruit: banana
fat: skipped it because the egg yolks have fat
lunch
protein: 2.5oz swiss cheese
grain: 1/2 english muffin
vegetables: 16oz roasted butternut squash
fat: skipped it because the cheese has fat
dinner
protein: 5oz chicken
grain: 1 cup whole wheat cous-cous (equivalent of 2 grains because i trained tonight)
vegetables: 1 cup mushrooms and onions
fat: olive oil for making the cous-cous and mushrooms & onions
i think that's pretty damn good if you ask me. how do i eat all that and still maintain my weight? because it's balanced, i don't skip meals, and i'm not eating too much of one food group. for example, if i didn't eat all that squash, i would have needed to fill it in with something else to stave off hunger. perhaps i could have eaten some triscuits or some cottage cheese with fruit or nuts and raisins...but all those items fall into other food groups that i already ate enough of today. so it doesn't work.
you gotta eat your veggies. i believe it is the key to being able to eat the appropriate amount of foods from other food groups (less than what you'd like!) and still feel satisfied and satiated. :)
happy eating! xo
139 vs 142
i weigh 142 and i want to kill myself. sooo when i first lost all this weight i got all the way down to 132 but i felt like it was too low so i wanted to get back up to like 135-137. i was there for a bit and then decided to leave my program and i maintained my weight at 139-140. but then i started messing with my food and i got up to 145 and i felt terrible. so i went back to my program and got it back to 139 and felt good. well now i am back to 142 because of some recent binges and what i like to call "skeezy" things that i do with my food. making poor choices...calorie ridden choices.
ok so here we are at 142. i am unhappy here because when you're a small person, you can really feel it when you gain 3 pounds. i don't feel as attractive in my clothes...my belly feels a little bigger and my pants are all very snug. this is a real thing, ya know? it really is. it sucks. i am upset with myself for screwing around with my food because if i'd just follow directions, i'd be happy in my skin.
my plan is to follow directions today and ask God for help in doing so.
happy eating! xo
ok so here we are at 142. i am unhappy here because when you're a small person, you can really feel it when you gain 3 pounds. i don't feel as attractive in my clothes...my belly feels a little bigger and my pants are all very snug. this is a real thing, ya know? it really is. it sucks. i am upset with myself for screwing around with my food because if i'd just follow directions, i'd be happy in my skin.
my plan is to follow directions today and ask God for help in doing so.
happy eating! xo
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
let's get honest, shall we?
ok, i'm making myself vulnerable here. i don't know who is gonna read this but i'm goin for it. i'm gonna write out everything i've been doing that i don't talk about that is actually pretty skeezy stuff. i pretend these things are acceptable but actually, they are adding to my insanity with food:
i don't weigh and measure my food all the time on purpose. if i don't measure it, then i can stay happily in denial while i overeat
since giant ran out of sugar-free ketchup for a while, i was eating the regular shit.
even if i don't work out, i'll add the extra grain that is only supposed to be added on workout days
i'll eat doritoes as a grain because it's technically flourless. but i'll eat a 2oz bag when 1oz corn chips is one serving
i'll go to the whole food store and eat fruit and nut bars as a fat. but i'll eat three of them and say that's 3 fats when really it's more than 3 AND there's fruit in it AND there's fuckin honey in them which i'm not supposed to have
if i feel entitled to more food, i'll just eat more. no questions asked.
yesterday i ate a sugar-free chocolate bar
today i ate regular ketchup
i never count the milk i put in my coffee
i'll save food and eat a big dinner so it feels like a little binge
if i skip something from my meal plan, i will eat it the next day because i think i'm entitled.
i am back to using splenda again. and i use more than i need.
i've gained 5 pounds and it's not fucking muscle. it's tina playing with her food and eating more than she needs to about every 3 days.
i don't tell my sponsor these things because i'm afraid she'll be angry with me
i haven't been to a meeting in like 2 months
if i could do all these things and live a normal life, i'd do it in a second. but i can't. i can't play around like this...it makes my life unmanageable very quickly. my life feels like it's in the toilet right now and it's simply because i've turned to food for help instead of God.
gag.
p.s. plantain chips are not a vegetable no matter how badly i want them to be.
i don't weigh and measure my food all the time on purpose. if i don't measure it, then i can stay happily in denial while i overeat
since giant ran out of sugar-free ketchup for a while, i was eating the regular shit.
even if i don't work out, i'll add the extra grain that is only supposed to be added on workout days
i'll eat doritoes as a grain because it's technically flourless. but i'll eat a 2oz bag when 1oz corn chips is one serving
i'll go to the whole food store and eat fruit and nut bars as a fat. but i'll eat three of them and say that's 3 fats when really it's more than 3 AND there's fruit in it AND there's fuckin honey in them which i'm not supposed to have
if i feel entitled to more food, i'll just eat more. no questions asked.
yesterday i ate a sugar-free chocolate bar
today i ate regular ketchup
i never count the milk i put in my coffee
i'll save food and eat a big dinner so it feels like a little binge
if i skip something from my meal plan, i will eat it the next day because i think i'm entitled.
i am back to using splenda again. and i use more than i need.
i've gained 5 pounds and it's not fucking muscle. it's tina playing with her food and eating more than she needs to about every 3 days.
i don't tell my sponsor these things because i'm afraid she'll be angry with me
i haven't been to a meeting in like 2 months
if i could do all these things and live a normal life, i'd do it in a second. but i can't. i can't play around like this...it makes my life unmanageable very quickly. my life feels like it's in the toilet right now and it's simply because i've turned to food for help instead of God.
gag.
p.s. plantain chips are not a vegetable no matter how badly i want them to be.
Monday, June 7, 2010
i am powerless over food and my life is unmanageable
is my life unmanageable because it's a crazy mess that no one could keep straight OR is it unmanageable simply because I can't manage it? i think it's the latter. i am not well. i'm totally overwhelmed and i can't keep up. i am in school full-time and i work 20 hours a week and i'm training for a triathalon and i'm trying to make sure my marriage doesn't fade away into the background. i'm fucking exhausted. so anyway, to deal with all of this stress and frustration, i found myself at the mall today eating a sugar-free caramel pecan candy bar.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
if you know anything about me and my food struggles or about food addiction in general, you will know that this is bad bad bad bad news. bad. that candy bar led me into a bag of almonds (5 servings), then into 2 english muffins, and finally into about 4oz cheese. are you fucking kidding me? this is enough calories and fat for 2 days. i didn't work out and i didn't drink water and i went shopping and bought shoes and other bull shit i don't need and i fucking hate myself. i fucking hate my fucking self. i feel ENORMOUS and UGLY. what a sad pathetic little day this is.
the worst part is that i did this out of my inability to deal with my life and now instead of one problem (unmanageable life) i have 2 problems: my life is unmanageable and i am fucking fat and insane.
gag. do you know what the worst part is? i wasted this day. this day was a gift and i wasted it. now i have a food hangover and i feel terrible and i'm unable to be "present" and i missed my favorite workout class and i'm a fucking zombie and i couldn't focus in school today and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! please just shoot me in the face. thanks.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
if you know anything about me and my food struggles or about food addiction in general, you will know that this is bad bad bad bad news. bad. that candy bar led me into a bag of almonds (5 servings), then into 2 english muffins, and finally into about 4oz cheese. are you fucking kidding me? this is enough calories and fat for 2 days. i didn't work out and i didn't drink water and i went shopping and bought shoes and other bull shit i don't need and i fucking hate myself. i fucking hate my fucking self. i feel ENORMOUS and UGLY. what a sad pathetic little day this is.
the worst part is that i did this out of my inability to deal with my life and now instead of one problem (unmanageable life) i have 2 problems: my life is unmanageable and i am fucking fat and insane.
gag. do you know what the worst part is? i wasted this day. this day was a gift and i wasted it. now i have a food hangover and i feel terrible and i'm unable to be "present" and i missed my favorite workout class and i'm a fucking zombie and i couldn't focus in school today and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! please just shoot me in the face. thanks.
Friday, June 4, 2010
the secret's out. i'm actually a monkey.
so i'm not fat anymore, praise the Lord in heaven but i still FEEL fat sometimes and i have what i like to call "fat head". sometimes i can be standing in a room and feel ENORMOUS. like my arms are the size of fucking elephant trunks or if i turn to the side, my big fat gut will hit the person next to me or if i turn my head to see who's coming, my double chin will wrap itself around an innocent bystander and choke them to death.
i have no idea what i look like and it sucks big time. rumor on the street is that i'm attractive. i've been told i'm beautiful and i should be a model. i've also been told that i'm "tiny".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????
fuckin weird dude. when i look in the mirror, i see tina but i'm kinda disconnected from who she is. i feel like a pretty huge geek most of the time and when i meet new people i feel this really creepy weird disconnect from myself. i just met like 5 new people tonight and i felt like i was a monkey in a human suit. like i have this kick-ass outer shell that may be pleasing to people and they can put me in whatever box they deem appropriate but what they don't realize is that i'm actually scratching my armpits and flinging poo deep inside my pretty human-shaped space suit.
who knows if i'll ever get passed this. perhaps time will heal me. after all, i have spent more time on this planet as a huge fatty than as a "normal"-sized person. i guess it could be worse. i'd rather feel like a monkey than look like a cow.
i have no idea what i look like and it sucks big time. rumor on the street is that i'm attractive. i've been told i'm beautiful and i should be a model. i've also been told that i'm "tiny".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????
fuckin weird dude. when i look in the mirror, i see tina but i'm kinda disconnected from who she is. i feel like a pretty huge geek most of the time and when i meet new people i feel this really creepy weird disconnect from myself. i just met like 5 new people tonight and i felt like i was a monkey in a human suit. like i have this kick-ass outer shell that may be pleasing to people and they can put me in whatever box they deem appropriate but what they don't realize is that i'm actually scratching my armpits and flinging poo deep inside my pretty human-shaped space suit.
who knows if i'll ever get passed this. perhaps time will heal me. after all, i have spent more time on this planet as a huge fatty than as a "normal"-sized person. i guess it could be worse. i'd rather feel like a monkey than look like a cow.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
temptation attacks
so i'm out and about after my workout. it's late. i'm sweaty....and HUNGRY. i'm at the pet smart of all places and something bright and orange and kinda shiny catches my eye....reeses peanut butter cups. they are my FAVORITE. aside from doughnuts. and double cheese burgers from mcdonalds. and macaroni and cheese. and brownies. with ice cream. or brownie ice cream. FUCK.
ok so reeses peanut butter cups are spotted and i am actually considering eating them. are you kidding me, tina? do you KNOW what you're capable of doing with food? i mean, for real.
let's break this down...
i worked late last night. got like 4 hours sleep. had a long day. worked out really hard at the gym. it's 7:30pm and i haven't had dinner. this is the perfect set up for a fall...a nice slow fall on top of those peanut butter cups. why the hell am i talking about this? because a lot of times feelings trigger me and tonight was a perfect example. all i needed to do is get my ass back in my car and drive home to eat my dinner and rehydrate. pretty much 99% of the time if the food is calling me...or stalking me...or beating me over the head with it's yummy goodness, it usually means i just need to take care of myself. give myself a little TLC. i am reminded of something i learned in recovery. never let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (H.A.L.T.)
happy eating and take good care of YOU! xo
ok so reeses peanut butter cups are spotted and i am actually considering eating them. are you kidding me, tina? do you KNOW what you're capable of doing with food? i mean, for real.
let's break this down...
i worked late last night. got like 4 hours sleep. had a long day. worked out really hard at the gym. it's 7:30pm and i haven't had dinner. this is the perfect set up for a fall...a nice slow fall on top of those peanut butter cups. why the hell am i talking about this? because a lot of times feelings trigger me and tonight was a perfect example. all i needed to do is get my ass back in my car and drive home to eat my dinner and rehydrate. pretty much 99% of the time if the food is calling me...or stalking me...or beating me over the head with it's yummy goodness, it usually means i just need to take care of myself. give myself a little TLC. i am reminded of something i learned in recovery. never let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (H.A.L.T.)
happy eating and take good care of YOU! xo
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