so there was pizza in my face last night. and it looked like the best pizza that was ever created by man. it had that thick crust and all the pieces were square and loaded with shit. i watched everyone eat it and felt strong in my conviction to stay away....pizza doesn't help people reach weight loss/fitness goals does it? um...no.
about two hours later, after a mega-stressful evening, that pizza was literally all over me. it was fucking talking to me...whispering dirty things in my ear like a temptress....that little whore! it's not an imaginary thing for me...when i get stressed, i LITERALLY feel like i'm starving to death and i need to house some food or i'm gonna die. somehow by the grace of God, i did not touch it and i came home exhausted and went to bed.
weighed in this morning....
lost two pounds. YEEHAAAAAA!
so for real, let's revisit what would have happened if i ate that pizza....
i would say to myself "you're up late, and this is stressful, you deserve it". i would eat a slice. then it would turn into two slices. i would want more but wouldn't want everyone to think i was a pig so i'd only eat those two and stop at wawa on the way home to finish the job...whatever struck my fancy, i would have eaten. 6,000 calories later - sleepy time. i'd wake up today all hungover from carb overload and i'd have some major moon face. have you ever experienced moon face? it's when your face is twice it's size because of all the salt and sugar.
it's highly possible that i would have weighed in just to torture myself and the scale would have been up 3 pounds. i would feel like the biggest, fattest, ugliest, piece of shit on the planet and walking through today would be awful.
that is why i feel truly victorious today. i got through stress without turning to food and the payoff is invaluable. today is a new day with new stresses but i don't have to eat over any of them. i can if i want to, but i don't have to.
happy eating! xo
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
some shite i'm learning...
there is no "i'll start tomorrow"...
"ima wait til sunday because it's the beginning of the week"
"i can't start today, it's the 29th of the month. i'll start on the 1st"
"i have this dinner to go to in 4 days so why start now? i'll just wait til after that"
"i haven't worked out in two weeks and i'm going on vacation next week so why even bother THIS week?"
blah blah blah.
i'm just realizing more and more that it comes down to what i want for myself TODAY. am i gonna be a total waste today or am i gonna take care of myself? my body is like a well-oiled machine and i feel excellent when i'm eating well, working out, drinking water, getting rest, etc...some days i just wanna check out and do a little zombie-eating (eating to numb out and escape) and i ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS regret it. it's just not worth it. i like to wake up and feel good. i like to get dressed and feel good. i like to look in the mirror and not wanna vomit. i like to not envy every skinny girl i see because i feel so gross about me.
my mom made a pineapple upside down cake last night and today is my lazy sunday and of course i want my lazy sunday to include cake for breakfast. but if i eat it then this whole day is gonna feel like shit. i'm a food addict, i can't have cake for breakfast and move on. i'm so sensitive to that shit. eating cake today doesn't line up with my goals so just for today, i'm gonna pass. here's to another bottle of water...
happy eating! xo
"ima wait til sunday because it's the beginning of the week"
"i can't start today, it's the 29th of the month. i'll start on the 1st"
"i have this dinner to go to in 4 days so why start now? i'll just wait til after that"
"i haven't worked out in two weeks and i'm going on vacation next week so why even bother THIS week?"
blah blah blah.
i'm just realizing more and more that it comes down to what i want for myself TODAY. am i gonna be a total waste today or am i gonna take care of myself? my body is like a well-oiled machine and i feel excellent when i'm eating well, working out, drinking water, getting rest, etc...some days i just wanna check out and do a little zombie-eating (eating to numb out and escape) and i ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS regret it. it's just not worth it. i like to wake up and feel good. i like to get dressed and feel good. i like to look in the mirror and not wanna vomit. i like to not envy every skinny girl i see because i feel so gross about me.
my mom made a pineapple upside down cake last night and today is my lazy sunday and of course i want my lazy sunday to include cake for breakfast. but if i eat it then this whole day is gonna feel like shit. i'm a food addict, i can't have cake for breakfast and move on. i'm so sensitive to that shit. eating cake today doesn't line up with my goals so just for today, i'm gonna pass. here's to another bottle of water...
happy eating! xo
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
life is at me. i want cookies.
i'm feeling a lot of stuff today i don't like. anxiety, powerlessness, self-loathing, fear of the unknown, fear of failure...and somehow that makes me feel so hungry i could eat a house. or a horse. a cow. moo.
so i've processed some of these feelings over the last 6 hours, talked about them with my friends and husband, cried and screamed, ate my vegetables, and drank some water and the urgency to stuff my face has passed. thank God.
there's always a reason to eat. always something that's uncomfortable in life and i have to learn to just walk through it...the alternative is a miserable miserable existence as an obese, insane person. i have the same illness that those 500 pound people on biggest loser have. i have what it takes to get there EASY. so it's really one day at a time of not turning to food to cope.
there is hope for me because tomorrow i could potentially wake up and feel amazing. these troubles will absolutely work themselves out and i didn't have to harm myself in the proccess. being abstinent and on the wagon means i can walk through my life that is full of the same awesome stuff and the same shit that everyone else has but i don't have to be fat while doing it. AND i have energy and i feel good about myself. i have confidence. i'm strong. my creative talent can flow. that's a good thing. it's totally worth it...i go to bed with a good feeling.
happy eating! xo
so i've processed some of these feelings over the last 6 hours, talked about them with my friends and husband, cried and screamed, ate my vegetables, and drank some water and the urgency to stuff my face has passed. thank God.
there's always a reason to eat. always something that's uncomfortable in life and i have to learn to just walk through it...the alternative is a miserable miserable existence as an obese, insane person. i have the same illness that those 500 pound people on biggest loser have. i have what it takes to get there EASY. so it's really one day at a time of not turning to food to cope.
there is hope for me because tomorrow i could potentially wake up and feel amazing. these troubles will absolutely work themselves out and i didn't have to harm myself in the proccess. being abstinent and on the wagon means i can walk through my life that is full of the same awesome stuff and the same shit that everyone else has but i don't have to be fat while doing it. AND i have energy and i feel good about myself. i have confidence. i'm strong. my creative talent can flow. that's a good thing. it's totally worth it...i go to bed with a good feeling.
happy eating! xo
Saturday, January 1, 2011
i heart wagons
today marks 1 full week (since christmas) of eating well and treating my body like the awesome machine it is and i feel GREAT. the reason i'm excited about it being a week is because it takes me that long to start feeling normal after i fuck off with my food. i don't eat like the average american that gains 1 pound over the holiday season. i eat like every kind of barn yard animal you can think of.
so yeah, that's pretty much it. i'm on the wagon and i feel good. i'm sitting here with no guilt or shame or remorse about my eating and i don't feel like a huge stuffed sausage. i'm not in "crave" mode because i haven't eaten the shit that triggers me. i've lost a pound of the shit i put on. and i don't totally loathe myself. woot!
it's the new year and i do have some goals...no cliche resolutions, just goals that i can aspire to do. i'd like to get back into running and run a half marathon in the spring. never did one of those yet. i'd like to do another warrior's dash in the fall. i'm planning to participate in a polar plunge in february. i will become a licensed cosmetologist after i pass my state board exam. i want to start saving money after i pay off some of my debts to my family. maybe i'll read a book or two. i haven't read in so long. i want to continue bringing models in to work so i can keep learning and practicing how to do beautiful hair...
so much to do, no time to be sittin around eating!!
so yeah, that's pretty much it. i'm on the wagon and i feel good. i'm sitting here with no guilt or shame or remorse about my eating and i don't feel like a huge stuffed sausage. i'm not in "crave" mode because i haven't eaten the shit that triggers me. i've lost a pound of the shit i put on. and i don't totally loathe myself. woot!
it's the new year and i do have some goals...no cliche resolutions, just goals that i can aspire to do. i'd like to get back into running and run a half marathon in the spring. never did one of those yet. i'd like to do another warrior's dash in the fall. i'm planning to participate in a polar plunge in february. i will become a licensed cosmetologist after i pass my state board exam. i want to start saving money after i pay off some of my debts to my family. maybe i'll read a book or two. i haven't read in so long. i want to continue bringing models in to work so i can keep learning and practicing how to do beautiful hair...
so much to do, no time to be sittin around eating!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)