alone in the abyss

i'm swimmin in the great ocean with a school of fish but i'm sort of in the back ready to get swept away and scarfed down by an enormous shark.

that's how i feel since i lost my sponsor. it's amazing how quickly shit can go down. one minute i got someone to be accountable to and the next minute - not so much. and now i'm playing with the following thoughts:

1. screw it. let's eat!
2. haha i'm not going to meetings for a whole week!
3. woohoo! i'm not writing every day for 15 minutes!!
4. yeehaaaa! no outreach calls to strange people i don't really like!
5. hmm...i think i can have a little extra protein....maybe another grain or two...OR MAYBE I CAN JUST EAT A WHOLE TUB OF BEN AND JERRY'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's so annoying. my food addiction is like that shark stalking me from behind - ready to grab me when i fall behind just a little.

i need to find a new sponsor and continue doing what i know works, but damnit, i don't want to. i find it to be very very difficult to begin working with a new person. it's painful and uncomfortable. but if i don't work the steps, my next binge is inevitable.

staying in the moment...working it one minute at a time.

happy eating! xo

rebellion and willfulness only brings disappointment

i weighed in today. 145. um. wow. kinda pissed off right now. i started back into abstinence at 145. started p90x at 142...

i am experiencing rage.

perhaps you're thinking... "oh, tina, stop it! you're beautiful!" or "everybody's weight fluctuates" or "you're gaining muscle"

F---k that, man!!! F---K THAT!!!

all i know is i have been working my ASS off and this is extremely frustrating. so i tried on a pair of tight pants that i can only wear on really "good" days...like when i'm not menstruating and it's not humid etc and i can hardly button them and i feel like a stuffed sausage. so that's how i know that something is wrong. i know you can't go by the scale, you have to go by your clothes and so this is real, hard evidence.

OMG i'm so angry, i can't even make this post humorous.

ok so what am i gonna do about it? what kinds of things have i been doing that are hindering my progress??

1. i do not always weigh and measure with care. i continue to want to "eyeball" my food and i always eyeball BIG.
2. i make poor food choices. i eat a lot of cheese instead of lean meat like fish or chicken. i eat mayo and ranch dressing instead of olive oil.
3. i eat a lot of salt on my veggies. i need to ween myself off a little...i really tend to go overboard.

so can i make those slight adjustments today? absolutely. i have become willing to because i only hurt myself when i don't follow directions and when i make a decision based off of angry, self-pity ridden feelings (i.e. "i've given up so much already, i deserve to eat extra salt, a little extra fat, and cheese instead of chicken".

here we go. happy eating. xo

30 days is the landmark anniversary in any recovery group

i've been on the wagon for 30 days. i don't remember the last time i got that many days together. for real! i'd always lose it after 2-3 weeks...then for a while, it got really bad and i was screwing around with my food every few days! yikes! little slips always turned into binges...

so here i am. one whole month in the bag. how do i feel?

um....i feel nothing. i feel like the last 29 days is irrelevant and i have to focus on my recovery today. today is a new day with new challenges and my abstinence is not guaranteed today - not at all! i could easily stray from what i know works.

so here's to a brand new day - just like day 1.

happy eating! xo

workin hard and gettin fat. fabulous.

i weighed in this morning after 3 weeks of abstinence and 2 weeks of p90x and i gained a half a pound...even gained back the 2 that i lost. hmmm........

so upset. pissed off. frustrated. confused. in agony. sad. disappointed.

why why why why why? because muscle weighs more than fat? NO IT DOESN'T!! it makes no sense whatsoever that i'd be turning fat into muscle and gaining weight. how does that make sense? if i were eating more, yes but i'm not! if i were eating more and working out the way i am, i could gain weight and still look good with all that muscle tone. but that's not what's happening here. i'm eatin less and working out more so i should be losing weight while gaining muscle therefore my weight should drop. maybe not significantly but a little!! DAMN!

so what is the solution to this madness? stop everything and binge my face off?? probably not. that was my first thought though. i suppose the solution is to keep doing what i'm doing. not being abstinent is not an option and although i don't HAVE to do the p90x challenge, i really want to. so......i guess i just keep going.

my food plan for today:

3 tbsp oatbran, 1/2 cup milk, 1.5oz cheese, banana

1oz cheese, apple

3.5oz eggs, 1/4 cup miik, 1 pc bread, 1 tsp mayo, 1 tbsp mustard, 2 cups cauli

1oz cheese, banana

7oz yogurt, 1/4 cup milk, 1/4 cup oatmeal, 16oz squash, 2 tbsp mayo

happy eating! xo

big changes, man, big changes!!

so i had this awesome sponsor who made me work really hard for my recovery. i was doin the deal for real! well she just went out and ate...she's back in the food and so i'm sponsorless once again...sad sad sad. what was my first thought when she told me?

"well, screw this! i'm eating too!"

amazing isn't it? what's her eating got to do with my eating? NOTHING. but since i lost her three days ago, i've been really struggling. one of the things she had me do is give up artificial sweeteners and yesterday i decided to put splenda in my coffee and my oatmeal. i also decided i didn't have to go to my meetings AND i didn't have to talk to my 3 live people a day....

and you know what? it doesn't feel good. my coffee and oatmeal didn't taste any better and actually it tasted like shit, i feel lonely because i'm not talking to my people, and i am thinking about eating more than i have been for a few weeks now.

so today i'm getting back on the program wagon where it's safe. i didn't lose my abstinence but i am only hurting myself by not doing the things that work and are healthy for me.

i am drinking my morning coffee right now without sweetener and i actually like it better. what a miracle!!

today's food:

3 tbsp oatbran, 1 cup milk, 2oz egg whites, apple

1 cup mushroom and onion, 1 cup acorn squash, 2oz cheese, 1 pc bread

4oz turkey pepperoni, 16oz butternut squash, 2 tbsp mayo, 2 tbsp sugar-free ketchup, 1/2 cup quinoa

happy eating!! xo

an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face

so i have the biggest little belly you've ever never seen. no one knows about it. it's a big secret. i am the MASTER at hiding it and sucking it in. oh, there are a few people who i have shown my "food belly" to but even they haven't seen the full extent of my fat belly capabilities.

i am on week two of the p90x challenge and i'm not seeing any results. am i a lunatic for wanting to see results already?? i think maybe. it's just hard because i am working really really really really hard and getting up every morning at 5:30am and i still have this little belly. it makes me crazy. genetics are a bitch.

but i'm not giving up. if jillian michaels can work really hard and look as good as jillian michaels, then so can i, damnit!!!!!! i'm gonna keep on goin and see what happens. i mean, why not? what do i have to lose except this little poochy fat thing around my waist!

happy eating! xo

eating sugar or flour is like giving a seagull a cracker

my mom went to the olive garden last night and got my all time FAV dish - crab alfredo. OMG. so good. so her leftovers are in the fridge and boy do they look yummy. i had a thought go through my head "i want to go to the olive garden tomorrow to celebrate labor day and get whatever i want and then i'll just get right back on my food plan"....

wow, tina. that sounds like a great idea. ASS!

if i go to the olive garden tomorrow, it will just set me off and running. i'll eat until i want to throw up and then the next day it will be virtually impossible to start my food plan all over again. that's just the way it is for me. once i start, i lose the freedom of choice and i cannot stop.

today i have a choice and i'm choosing to not stray from my food plan just for today. maybe i can get crab alfredo someday. but not today.

happy eating! xo

a noticable difference

i'm stoked. went to work yesterday and my coworkers commented that i looked slim. they said my waist looked tight and slender......

YEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

all i got to say is fuck yeah, bitches!!! i've been on the wagon with my food and i feel great. and to make matters even better, i've been doing the P90X extreme home finess program. week 1 is in the bag and i'm goin for the 90 day challenge.

the coolest thing is having more energy, being excited to wake up, feeling powerful and sexy, loving being in my clothes, having a clean heart that's ready to give and recieve all the good stuff, and feeling joy all the time even when shit's hard.

and i want to remind myself that abstinence from compulsive eating makes me feel this good. not just working out like a crazed lunatic. when my food is clean, i am free to live my life and enjoy it.

food for today:

3 tbsp oatbran, 1 tsp butter, banana, 1/2 cup milk, 1.5 oz cheese

1oz cheese, apple

2 cups broccoli, 3.5oz eggs, 1/4 cup milk, 1 tsp mayo, 1 tbsp mustard, 1 pc bread

1oz cheese, apple

16oz squash, 2 tbsp dressing, 1 tsp butter, 4oz potato, 4oz chicken

happy eating! xo

i hate the cookie monster

hardest thing i've ever done - well, aside from my first year of marriage haha - doing life without my drug...

giving up alcohol was quite the adjustment but i got used to a life without it and now i don't miss it. but this food thing - OMG. every day is a struggle. every day i want more food. every day i think about it. every day i have to work really hard to fight this monster that lives inside me. it's the cookie monster, man! for real! think about that blue guy - eating those cookies the way he does. flinging that shit every where. all he thinks about is cookies. he lives for them. needs them. that's me to a T. so every day i walk around with the cookie monster inside of me trying to keep him hidden and asleep.

i was talking to a good friend yesterday about my hatred of vegetables and i was sort of joking when i said "eating vegetables goes against everything i'm made for. i'm wired to eat doughnuts not cauliflower!" i was kind of joking and just making a point but you know what, there is some truth in that. i am a food addict and i've been active in my addiction for the duration of my life. now i'm resisting this mother fucking thing and it's like swimming upstream.

i am grateful for the 12 steps, my support network and for God who help me heal and get well one day at a time. today is day 10.

happy eating! xo