is my life unmanageable because it's a crazy mess that no one could keep straight OR is it unmanageable simply because I can't manage it? i think it's the latter. i am not well. i'm totally overwhelmed and i can't keep up. i am in school full-time and i work 20 hours a week and i'm training for a triathalon and i'm trying to make sure my marriage doesn't fade away into the background. i'm fucking exhausted. so anyway, to deal with all of this stress and frustration, i found myself at the mall today eating a sugar-free caramel pecan candy bar.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
if you know anything about me and my food struggles or about food addiction in general, you will know that this is bad bad bad bad news. bad. that candy bar led me into a bag of almonds (5 servings), then into 2 english muffins, and finally into about 4oz cheese. are you fucking kidding me? this is enough calories and fat for 2 days. i didn't work out and i didn't drink water and i went shopping and bought shoes and other bull shit i don't need and i fucking hate myself. i fucking hate my fucking self. i feel ENORMOUS and UGLY. what a sad pathetic little day this is.
the worst part is that i did this out of my inability to deal with my life and now instead of one problem (unmanageable life) i have 2 problems: my life is unmanageable and i am fucking fat and insane.
gag. do you know what the worst part is? i wasted this day. this day was a gift and i wasted it. now i have a food hangover and i feel terrible and i'm unable to be "present" and i missed my favorite workout class and i'm a fucking zombie and i couldn't focus in school today and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! please just shoot me in the face. thanks.
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