ok, i'm making myself vulnerable here. i don't know who is gonna read this but i'm goin for it. i'm gonna write out everything i've been doing that i don't talk about that is actually pretty skeezy stuff. i pretend these things are acceptable but actually, they are adding to my insanity with food:
i don't weigh and measure my food all the time on purpose. if i don't measure it, then i can stay happily in denial while i overeat
since giant ran out of sugar-free ketchup for a while, i was eating the regular shit.
even if i don't work out, i'll add the extra grain that is only supposed to be added on workout days
i'll eat doritoes as a grain because it's technically flourless. but i'll eat a 2oz bag when 1oz corn chips is one serving
i'll go to the whole food store and eat fruit and nut bars as a fat. but i'll eat three of them and say that's 3 fats when really it's more than 3 AND there's fruit in it AND there's fuckin honey in them which i'm not supposed to have
if i feel entitled to more food, i'll just eat more. no questions asked.
yesterday i ate a sugar-free chocolate bar
today i ate regular ketchup
i never count the milk i put in my coffee
i'll save food and eat a big dinner so it feels like a little binge
if i skip something from my meal plan, i will eat it the next day because i think i'm entitled.
i am back to using splenda again. and i use more than i need.
i've gained 5 pounds and it's not fucking muscle. it's tina playing with her food and eating more than she needs to about every 3 days.
i don't tell my sponsor these things because i'm afraid she'll be angry with me
i haven't been to a meeting in like 2 months
if i could do all these things and live a normal life, i'd do it in a second. but i can't. i can't play around like this...it makes my life unmanageable very quickly. my life feels like it's in the toilet right now and it's simply because i've turned to food for help instead of God.
gag.
p.s. plantain chips are not a vegetable no matter how badly i want them to be.
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