i feel like a hypocrite with this blog anymore...who am i to write about this shit? i'm not free at all. i'm so fucked it's not even funny. i mean, i guess i'm a little bit free. i have moments where i come out of the cage and walk around and enjoy the outside but then i inevitably go back in the creepy, ugly, dingy, depressing, lonely cage and it's hard to come out once i go back in.
if i'm not eating it (cage), i'm thinking about eating it (cage), and if i'm not thinking about eating it, i'm obsessing about my body and how imperfect it is (cage)...when i'm not obsessing about my body or eating or thinking about eating, i'm free (outside the cage) and that happens so rarely anymore.
maybe i need to clarify my goal because it changes all the time. would i feel more free from this madness if i knew what i wanted from my day? i tend to live in the following:
goal 1: sometimes i want to be super strict and really whip myself. like eat only carrots and plain oatmeal. and water.
goal 2: other times i want to stay on the wagon but maybe at least once that day i want to drag my face in the dirt while the wagon is moving. like for the most part eat carrots and oatmeal and water but also throw in some nice meal my mom made like turkey pot pie that sits all warm and cozy in my belly.
goal 3: and then there's the other times where i say fuck that wagon and i jump off and land so easily and conveniently at the wawa tasty cake section. because it can be just sooo fucking tiring to give a shit ALL THE TIME.
oh wow, how interesting...i just re-read this post to try and come to a conclusion (and look for spelling errors) and i realized something...i'm so focused on the food when it's not really about the food at all. how do i forget this? the food is a symptom of a deeper problem...where is my spiritual life? i am so self-centered, i can't see anything else. is there something i'm afraid to see?...hmmmm...food for thought...haha food for thought. get it? haha that's some funny shit.
happy eating! xo
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