i've been struggling a lot, hence not posting at all. i don't like to post when i don't feel good about my food because i'm ashamed. but i think i'm starting to have a shift in thinking which may actually help me relax a little...
so i'm a true food addict and i will always struggle with it. that will never change. i am not normal, i can't have just one when it comes to sugar. sugar is like crack to me. there is no such thing as 1 cookie. no way in hell. BUT i've been realizing that maybe i don't have to be perfect and when my food gets a little messy, maybe i don't have to freak out. i have always freaked out in the past because i was so afraid of going back to who i was...the 230 pound person that wanted to die. i am realizing that i am a strong person and i am not a victim and i do have choices today just like everyone else. if i make a wrong choice about my food (just like everyone else on the planet) it doesn't have to be the end of the world.
the other cool thing is that i'm realizing that maybe i can just accept myself right where i am. who cares if i'm a size 6 instead of a 4? who cares if i'm not the skinniest person in the room? who cares if i have imperfections?
i think other people see me as a whole person and they just love me for who i am and i hope to see myself that way someday. what if i could see "tina". just tina...the whole picture...not tina with stretch marks. or tina with a little belly that sticks out after she eats. or tina with a puffy face in the morning. tina with too many freckles and beauty marks....what if i could look at tina and just see an amazing, beautiful, loving woman who is silly and funky and imperfect? it would be great if i could see just tina and not tina + everything that is "wrong" that needs to be fixed.
i kinda feel a little sad...sad that i waste so much time trying to make me be better. maybe i'm okay just the way i am...
XO
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